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This is the third and second last of the series regarding my acceptance of my sexuality and elaborates on the [URL="https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual"]Accepting I am Bisexual[/URL] post.

[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4337-The-Internal-Struggle[/URL]
[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual[/URL]

[I]I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.....
[/I]
How fitting the Ace of Base song is. You definitely see the signs, whether or not you choose to acknowledge them for what they may be is a different story so in this blog I'll point out some of my more major signs that I experienced through my life that lead to this point. They won't be in much detail nor will I cover them all but there were quite a few, some insignificant at the time but when you add them all up it shows a pattern. It would be interesting to read some of the signs others experienced from those who also took a long time to accept their sexuality.

1) There was no such thing as the internet in my teenage years nor did my father have a stash of pornography for a bi-curious horny teenager to look at so the only way I could cop a look was in the changing rooms. I was curious about cock but I had to be careful not get seen so for the most part it was eyes down but plenty liked showing off what they had and they seemed to get their kicks off doing so. I really thought this was out of curiosity but it in fact it was one of the earlier signs. You definitely didn't want to be caught looking as this would be giving them an excuse to bully and in the 1980's.... you get my drift.

2) In my early twenties I started to appreciate the male form and would cop a look in admiration of any well built male walking around in a singlet or topless. I still do today and it's probably the reason why I try and keep my body toned to some extent, that and I'm vain.

3) I've always had a fascination with anal and felt my anus was a two way street. For me, there was something highly arousing seeing a man penetrate another anally in gay porn that I couldn't get enough of but I stopped when I was nearly caught masturbating to it. In absence of gay porn I went back to straight focusing now on both cock and pussy. If it didn't have cock I wasn't interested. Lesbian porn has never done anything for me, but throw conventional straight sex in and I'm interested. The fascination with anal eventually led me to buying something cock-shaped to satisfy that curiosity and from the moment it slid up past my prostate, I knew it was for me. I didn't last long.

4) Like all men, if I don't masturbate enough I will have sex dreams and these both included men and women. I used to wake up shocked and ashamed when these were male thinking it must be a mistake, however I would be rock hard and the sheets soaked from pre-cum. Sleeping lets your sub-conscious reign supreme and often shows you the truth, unfettered. Sometimes these were men I knew and it was difficult to look at them next time I saw them after what happened in the dream. Whoops.

5) I experienced a couple of same sex crushes in my mid twenties to mid thirties. Nothing major and I feel these were more of an emotional connection rather than sexual or perhaps I just didn't realise. The one that started all this and the reason why you have to read all this guff happened in my late thirties where I experienced an incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. This still remains the only time I have felt this. This attraction was definitely sexual but also went deeper and could have developed in to a romantic one over time had it been allowed to progress.

6) I got propositioned by a man I have known for some time for sex three years ago over Skype (messaging) but I turned it down even though my body was telling me different. I was rock hard and excited at the prospect but my suppression won out. I really considered it. The question how did he know when I hadn't even accepted it myself? Outwardly I act very straight so this could be a pheromone thing or him just throwing caution to the wind I suppose.

7) I wanted to know what semen tasted like so I had to try my own and I actually quite enjoyed it. I still have issues in this department and can only do it when I'm horny enough, it's a work in progress. I have tried to deposit directly in to my mouth, but I'm too old to accomplish that now.

8) When masturbating for the few years prior to 2017 before my acceptance, I often but not always used gay sex fantasies or written stories. For some strange reason I thought written stories weren't as bad as visual, well, that's how I rationalised it to myself. Once I ejaculated I was embarrassed and ashamed even though I knew I really enjoyed it. This tended to happen the longer the session went so when I discovered edging....

This entry took a while to write because I had to choose which signs I felt had the most impact. In writing and posting on the forum I have become more comfortable talking about my sexuality and the exploration I used during my journey to acceptance. Most of these details I have shared over time in various posts however some I have not shared before but due to their impact on the process I felt compelled to mention them. Everyone is different but this is what really affected me and yes, it's hard to see why I didn't accept it a lot earlier.