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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I vividly remember the "worst" thought and feeling I ever had. The guy was fucking me nicely and I was so relaxed and comfortable that I trying not to nod off when he started going faster and deeper, cussed, and I felt his dick swell and start pumping when, out of nowhere, my brain said, "He's trying to make you pregnant!" and the feelings that came with that thought weren't good at all; in fact, they felt so bad that I wanted to throw up and I felt so... dirty that if I could have jumped up and ran somewhere, I would have.

The thought and feelings upset me so badly that I didn't even register the fact that he had pulled out of me and, honestly, I have no idea where I was when he rolled me over and started sucking me to get me hard before lubing things up and sitting down on my dick. I felt so... detached and that made things even worse; I could see what was going on as he ground his ass on my dick and while my body was enjoying being in him, my thoughts and feelings were stuck in place, giving me a rather unpleasant epiphany and the reality of it feeling like I'd been liver-punched.

Still, feeling my cock buried in his tight hole started to "clear my head," I blinked and noticed that his dick was hard again and bouncing up and down in time with his movements so I reached for it, wrapped my hand around it, and started stroking which he apparently liked very much. The thought and associated feelings had faded into the background... but it left me with that "bad taste in my mouth" but in a whole body kind of way. He shot another load just before I unloaded inside him and my asshole brain said, "Now you're trying to get him pregnant so now you're even!"

Yeah... my mind kinda worked like that and I fully understood that there was nothing I could do about it and being able to empty my mind, well, that wasn't gonna happen because I realized that it never happened. Now the thing I had to learn how to do was to be able to enjoy what was going on and no matter what I was thinking and pay more attention to how I was feeling; the good thing was that I was getting enough dick - and almost on a daily basis - that it didn't take me long to make the "unimportant" thoughts and feelings go to the back of the bus so I could, again, pay more attention to the important thoughts and feelings and the most exciting part of being fucked for me:

Feeling him cumming in me. Some guys didn't like going in; they just wanted to stick it between my cheek and hump me until they came... and I thought and felt that this was very enjoyable to wind up with that sticky mess between my butt cheeks and to feel his knob bumping up against my hole; sometimes, oh, man - I'd lie under him, feeling his knob pressing against my hole and wishing that it would "accidentally" go in - and sometimes it did but, bleh, some guys would feel that happen and pull it right back out even though I'd say, "Leave it where it is!" - and then learned to not be all unhappy if he didn't, well, unless he'd been doing it for however long he did and he didn't or couldn't cum.

I mean, that's the "whole point" of having a dick in your ass, ain't it? Letting him do whatever he's gotta do so he can unload his balls into me? Yeah, it would feel good while he was working on getting there... and sometimes it didn't which made feeling him cum in me more of an important thing but in that "hurry up and get out of me" way. Still, dealing with all the thoughts and feelings that would be going on in my head - and no matter what was going on - was important to me since I couldn't just shut my brain off; the "trick" was to just let the thoughts and feelings just flow the way they wanted to... as I patiently or impatiently waited for him to cum inside me. If the fucking was... annoying, I could not pay attention to it and just focus and wait on the moment he'd cum in me; that always made everything feel better and even when I would wish he'd just get the fuck out of me.

Weird, I know...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Being fucked; lots of thoughts and feelings and beginning with, "He's gonna stick it in me!" and feeling excited and even a little anxious because I wouldn't know what that first moment of penetration was going to feel like; was it gonna hurt real bad or hurt real good? He's pushing it in and my thoughts would be on staying relaxed and not holding my breath and even pushing out to help him get in. Feeling his knob spreading my hole open would be like, "Ahh..." or "Oh, shit!" and if it was that one, did I want and need him to hold up for a moment or just tough it out? Sometimes, by the time I got around to thinking about it, he'd already be in... or still trying no matter how lubed up everything was or, yeah, sometimes, he just couldn't figure out how to get it in me, his dick got too soft to get in there and sometimes he didn't get to get in me; I'd hear him curse... then feel his sperm splashing against my unfilled hole.

I had to learn how to not be upset when that happened. I'd think, "Damn it..." and my feelings would be like, "Well, he did cum and it felt good to feel it..." But if he made it in, I realized that all kinds of shit would be going through my mind and my feelings would also be all over the place but the one thing that always stood out was waiting for the moment he'd shoot his cum in me... provided the guy in my ass wasn't doing or saying something to break my groove into little pieces.

Sometimes I'd be thinking, "Come on and cum, I gotta feel it..." and sometimes my thoughts and feelings would be in sync and I'm thinking, "Jesus, hurry up and cum, damn it!" Sometimes he'd feel so good in me that my thoughts and feelings would agree that it would be a damned shame if he were to cum any time soon so I wouldn't be mad at him if it took him a long time to nut. Depending on how I was being fucked, when I could tell he was getting very close to losing it, that's when I'd be like, "Yay!" or "About damned time!"[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]My favorite part of sex with a guy is when he cums in my mouth or, when I was into it up to my eyeballs, in my ass and I found that whatever I was thinking sometimes affected the way I felt in that moment.

Sometimes - most of the time, to be honest - it would be, "Yes!" to feel that first warm spurt of cum jetting into my mouth and getting busy to swallow it as it continued to flow in... unless it tasted not all that great and I'd go from, "Yes!" to "Ew!" and now I'm thinking about spitting whatever is left out or be resolved to finish swallowing it... and thinking about needing to rinse my mouth out. Feeling his dick twitching and pumping between my lips would evoke a lot of thoughts and feelings that defied being put into words but, again, whatever I was thinking and feeling would be affected by each other and, of course, whatever was going on with the guy who just unloaded in my mouth.

Ask someone what they're thinking about during sex and they'll usually say that they aren't thinking about anything but I found that despite being focused on what was going on, my mind would be hard at work just being in the moment even if my thoughts would be all over the place and, usually, whatever was going on in my head as I sucked a dick would match the way I was feeling.

Excited; having been nervous before the fact forgotten; and focused on the dick in my mouth and even then my mind would be working at doing this or that with the dick so that my combined efforts would get him to do the thing I wanted him to do: Cum in my mouth... and that included whether I wanted him to cum "now" or later.

Or, sometimes, wishing he'd hurry the fuck up and cum; I could usually tell when a guy jerked off before we got together to suck each other and that's always a bummer in my thoughts and feelings but he's here, I'm here and now it's about settling in and working to get him to cum again. Sometimes, when the guy was... behaving badly, I'd find myself thinking about maybe this was a mistake and my feelings would be muted; it was great to be able to suck a dick but his behavior would often take something that was supposed to be a great deal of fun for me and make it less than the fun I was looking forward to. One of the things I learned to tune out was whatever the guy was saying as I blew him - and provided he didn't have a mouthful of my dick, too. I'd found out that there were certain things a guy might say as I sucked him that would instantly piss me off, like calling me baby, a bitch, or telling me to suck his dick like a good little girl.

I'd hear this... and the urge to give his cock a good, hard bite was hard to resist and I'll admit to giving him a non-damaging nip but my enthusiasm for blowing him would go from 10 to maybe about 2 and now all I want him to do is cum... and he might not get to do it in my mouth... or if I lost my temper, the blow job would stop right then and there.[/SIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Was I some kind of "sex fiend?" Well, yeah, to be honest about it but only in the sense that I loved to have sex - it was just a thing that I wasn't all that picky about who I had it with male or female. I didn't matter to me whether I was eating and fucking pussies or sucking dicks and fucking asses or being fucked. It was sex. It was fun. It all made me feel good to be able to have sex and even more when there were a whole lot of guys moaning and groaning about not being able to get laid and even if they liked dick; they were, as I'd find out, being too picky about it and I'd often find myself sitting around and listening to them being rather proud about themselves about all the dick they were turning down because of this, that, or the other... but also complaining and whining about not being able to get any dick.

I felt good that I wasn't one of those guys; I was getting all the dick I could handle because I made it so damned easy to get it but, yeah, I would say no... I just didn't say it a whole lot. Even as I got older and HIV/AIDS hit the scene, I knew I had to be careful and more selective... but it was still any guy who wanted to as long as he was healthy and, something new I came up with, not my idea of being an asshole. I still didn't care if the guy was white, Black, orange or whatever... but if he had an uncut dick, well, shit; okay, the cock sucker in me wasn't going to be happy about that and I knew that my problem with it was... just me and something I'd have to learn to not bother me as much as it did.

Didn't matter if he was short, tall, fat, skinny, humongous dick or a small one. It was dick and dick equaled sex and sex was not only good but damned good. Gay men would give me fits because they usually wanted more from me than I was willing to give and even after I'd eventually fall in love with a white, very effeminate gay man; we could be friends, could even be occasional sex partners, but the "I want you to be my boyfriend!" thing? Wasn't feeling that a whole lot and, no, there's no way you're gonna convince me to give up the pussy I love so much and you're not ever gonna make me believe that I'm really gay.

No, I don't give a fuck how big your dick is; does it work? Is it healthy? Okay, at least we got that out of the way. And while I knew that I grew up being a slut when it came to dicks, I was okay with it because, again, I was getting more dick than I knew what to do with while other guys like me were barely getting some because they cared about some shit that I just didn't give a fuck about... except those damned uncut dicks... and I'd eventually - and "all late and wrong" - get over my issues with an uncut dick and I did feel more... complete and whole once I got that taken care of.

What kind of guy to I like? Any guy who is of legal age to have sex with me, who's clean and healthy, and who isn't my idea of an asshole. I came to understand that there are guys who won't and can't pass my "asshole test" and it's okay that they fail. Younger than myself? Older? Never mattered and still doesn't as long as they're legal and all that. White? Chinese? Whatever? Means nothing to me and, no, it doesn't bother me one bit to look at a guy and not start drooling over him... well, unless he's gonna let me play with his dick - then he's got my attention.

It's just the way I am; it's the way I learned to be. It's why I've had so much sex with men because I don't go out of my way to find reasons not to; I want to blow them (more than anything else these days) and I want them to blow me so it just makes sense to make being able to do this easier than to make it harder.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Earl and I wound up back in his bedroom and there we were on his bed, locked into a serious 69 that included fingers being used to fuck each other's holes... but I was distracted because the things that made such a difference to him didn't make much of a difference to me. For the first time between us, dicks replaced fingers in each other's butts and him for the first time but for me, seriously old news.

I laid under him, feeling his weight on me and his dick being shoved into me with some... urgency and in my mind, who he was didn't make any difference to me but being able to have his dick in my ass was all that I really cared about and more so when, duh, we didn't have a beef with each other. It felt like he'd busted the biggest nut he ever did in my ass and it felt gloriously "nasty..." but it always did and no matter who was fucking me and if I really "noticed" anything, it was how comfortable his dick felt in me.

It took some doing to get my dick into him but we managed it and as I gently fucked him he asked me, "So it can feel this good even if the guy is white or whatever?"

"Yeah," I said. "It really doesn't matter to me all that much."

"Even with some old dude?" he asked.

"Still doesn't matter a whole lot," I said, feeling my dick starting to get fatter in Earl's ass. He moaned, I groaned and cussed and exploded inside him and that part of my brain that never gets affected by anything took note that cumming in my friend's ass felt just as good as any other guy's ass I had cum in and, no, when he had cum inside me, there was only the fact that it felt good that he creamed me.

Why would anything else really matter? Back in the old neighborhood, sure - the word had gotten around that if you wanted to do it with a guy, just come and find me and I'd be more than happy... and it was clear that was very much more than happy to suck them until they came or to have them fucking my ass until they came. I was really understanding that it wasn't the guy so much... but the sex? That's what mattered the most to me and it just "made sense" to me - and in ways that I really didn't understand - that if I liked it as much as I obviously did, saying no a whole lot to any guy didn't make a lot of sense even though, sure - sometimes, letting a guy do it to me wasn't always thought of as such a great idea but, okay - it happened and that's a good thing because it could have not happened... and there's no fun in not getting any dick at all.[/SIZE][/FONT]