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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]There was no question over whether or not my lust was alive, well, and at work; when I moved, I pretty much manhandled him into position so I could get my mouth on him... and I was once more feeling very detached and that clinical voice said, "You're sucking another man's dick..." and paying "too much" attention to what my body was doing "all by itself."

My lust to suck him was consuming me and as usual but I couldn't shake that odd feeling of watching myself doing it and as if I was watching a movie; I was aware of everything and it was even more exciting being in this peculiar state of mind and using my mouth, lips, and tongue to entice another man to spill his seed... and thinking about every way I knew of to get him to do just that.

I collected a lot of spit on my thumb and just pushed it into his hole until I could feel the base of my thumb come to a stop; I heard and felt him gasp; felt his cock pulse and ripple for just a moment; heard him say, "No, no...," and felt his hands on my head, his fingers absently feeling my face and felt him screwing himself onto my thumb. It just felt so...weird to witness myself having my way with him and being further encouraged being very aware of the exact moment when he had whatever control he may have had wrested from him, giving himself up to what I was doing to him and knowing that at this point, I could do anything I wanted and he was completely helpless and at my mercy.

I could feel my dick getting hard and the clinical part of this moment of absolute clarity suggested that it would be fun to stop sucking him and fuck him, to see the look on his face as my dick got pushed into him and "giggling evilly" to know that he would do - could do - nothing to stop me from fucking him. But that meant that I'd have to stop sucking him and I didn't want to disrupt the moment; I was still detached from it all but with my lust still running strong as Jim fucked into my mouth and worked his ass on my thumb; I even noticed the moment he grabbed one of the pillows that had been on the sofa and covered his face and mouth so he could let out a primal scream as his dick got harder and more swollen... and he spilled for me.

Not that he had a choice in the matter. In that moment of absolute clarity and being so detached, I found his cock pulsing in my mouth to be... interesting and that part of my mind was busy and happily thinking about the mechanisms involved in that delicious pumping action; his sperm was filling my mouth and that part of my mind not only said that his spunk tasted wonderful, it was even going over the makeup of his spunk and how his body was producing so much of it... all while the lusty animal that was driving my actions was losing its shit over how damned good I felt to have sucked his dick and made him cum.

Then that detached part of being so clear said, "You should fuck him because fucking another man is so wrong and nasty..."

I don't think that Jim was even aware that I had moved; I don't think he was even aware that I was flipping him over onto his stomach and arranging him and myself so that, after I applied as much spit as I could to my dick, I could push my dick into him and, oh, yeah - if he hadn't be aware before any of that, he was very much aware now. In that detached clarity, I could hear him saying yes and no; was aware of how his body wasn't resisting me and I watched with great clinical interest as my cock spread his hole open and went inside of him and noted how he was starting to fuck back against me and so much that the rest of my dick just went into him until it couldn't go any further.

And, in that detached state, I heard my voice saying, "You like this, don't you?" I felt him shudder when he said that he did and everything seemed to go... quiet as I fucked my dick in and out of Jim's ass and the only two things I was very much aware of was that I had no business fucking another man... and it felt very damned good to be fucking another man. Besides, he wasn't complaining...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I was very much into what he was doing; I could hear the way I was breathing, could feel my pulse racing and could hear it in my ears; a sheen of perspiration coated all of my nakedness and I was... content to let my body fuck into his mouth on its own accord. I offered no resistance when Jim slid his hands under my ass and started "shoving" me into his mouth but I felt a spasm of disappointment because, I dunno, I thought or was hoping that when he got his hands under my ass and lifted me, he was going work his dick into my ass... but he didn't and I was also okay that he didn't.

Jim was working very hard to get me to cum and because I was in this moment of absolute clarity, it was... holding things back a bit but not purposely so... which is what I hated about these moments but what I also loved about them because of the stark reality taking place on that sofa: A very masculine kind of guy sucking my cock and doing it well enough that I could easily think of all the women who'd be put to shame due to their comparative lack of enthusiasm.

Jim looked up at me, holding the head of my dick in his mouth and letting his tongue do whatever it felt like, probing and searching for those sweet spots so that he could hit them in just the right way and make me just lose control... but in this moment of absolute clarity - and until it got out of my system - what he was doing didn't have the full effect that both of us wanted. He didn't seem to be... disappointed or impatient but he clearly wanted me to cum and I sure as fuck wanted and needed to.

He took me deep and held me there; he'd finally gotten some saliva on his finger and enough to push his finger into my very unresisting hole and far enough that I felt that... twist in my stomach when he poked my prostate, which got me to start fucking his mouth with a purpose... but I still felt detached. I knew I was talking to him, telling him how good it was feeling; I could feel the little tremors that had been rippling up and down and through my shaft become bigger tremors and I watched myself preparing to cum with that same clinical detachment... well, until our combined efforts pushed me to the point of no return.

My dick swelled in his mouth and so hard and fast it made me gasp for breath... and "the bomb" went off in my head as I started shooting my load into his mouth and disconnected that moment of absolute clarity. His finger in my ass felt like a hot poker and as my dick pulsed, I could feel my ass muscles clamping around his invading finger with each pulse. Jim sucked harder to milk every drop from me and I could hear myself... growling like some kind of wild animal as my dick began to soften and, for a moment, I didn't think that Jim was going to let go of me so I could get my mouth around his dick and I was sure he was licking my very sensitive cock head to "punish" me for making him work so hard to make me cum.

But he released me and said something about how nice my dick was and how good it and my nut tasted... and I barely heard him, not because I was still going through the "afterglow" of my release but because I was... confused when that damned moment of absolute clarity returned but now with a specific focus on sucking Jim's cock.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I was lying on "Jim's" sofa with one foot on the back of it and the other planted on the floor; Jim was settled in between my splayed legs and sucking my dick for all he was worth, holding on to it with one hand while the other alternated between playing with my balls and rubbing my hole with a finger - and making me wish he'd stop messing with it like that and just stick his probing finger in there.

We'd gotten to this moment because between the two of us, we just couldn't figure out what else we could do after I'd come over to help him with a home project he was working on, which got finished rather quickly. We had a couple of beers, called ourselves watching TV for a few before he just blurted out, "I wanna suck your dick; you good with that?"

Shit... why not? I wasn't particularly horny and getting my dick sucked was the last thing on my mind but since he offered, again, why not? I had kinda suspected he was a cock sucker but didn't put much stock in my suspicions and before his declaration, he'd never really given me any indication that he was down like that.

As he sucked me, I blinked... and had what I call a moment of absolute clarity to hear that voice in my head saying, "There's a guy between your legs and sucking your dick..." and with that announcement, all of the prohibitions and the taboo flashed through my mind but I just shoved it aside... but now I'm just watching him blow me. I felt... detached and like I was watching him suck someone else's dick... but I was also in the moment despite having the reality of the situation put me into this peculiar state of mind.

I was "clinically" thinking about how good his mouth felt on me; how he fondled my balls with a gentle urgency and how, at times, he'd go lower and suck them with that same gentle urgency. I was thinking about his finger rubbing my hole, which felt nice but since he'd not thought or bothered to wet that finger - and he certainly had enough saliva cascading down my cock shaft to get it good and wet - the heat producing friction was nice but irritating.

I watched as he took me deep; very much noticed how his nostrils flared so he could breathe; saw the concentration on his face as well as the beads of sweat that would appear on his forehead then trickle downward and threatening to get into his eyes. I watched him back way off until only the head of my dick was in his mouth; watched him with detached interest as he licked and sucked my knob with growing urgency. I looked further down and saw his own prick which was very hard and bouncing around with all of his movements; I knew I wanted to suck him and knew that I would and for a brief moment, I had to smile to myself when I had reached for his dick to stroke it, he actually slapped my hand and with my dick in his mouth, gave me a very stern look that said, "Hands off!"

I found myself wondering what he was thinking about as he sucked me from tip to base, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly; sometimes with that same gentle urgency I was finding to my liking... and sometimes hard enough to shake my stomach up just a little bit. I liked that he was so very much into sucking my dick... and didn't like that I was paying such close attention to what he was doing being in that moment of absolute clarity.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I remember having a philosophical discussion with a guy about being bisexual and me telling him that the difference between him and myself was that I wasn't all that picky about who I had sex with. He had asked me the now very annoying question of if I had to choose between pussy and dick, which one would I choose. I understood why people would ask this question because it's the way they were taught to think about these things so when I told him, "I'd take the pussy first... but I wouldn't say no to the dick and if I can have both at the same time, so much the better!" - wow, you should have seen the look on his face. He didn't and couldn't understand my answer but, again, I knew why he couldn't.

Growing up bisexual taught me that there are some people who think they know "all about sex" right up to the moment when they find out that they don't really know a damned thing about it and they sure as hell didn't know what I knew about it. It was never a thing about my not knowing or understanding the morality involved; I just knew the truth that morality tries to hide from everyone and while I had to endure people telling me that being wiling and able to go both ways meant there was something wrong with me, it kept becoming clearer that if anyone had a problem with sex, it wasn't me - it was all those people who didn't believe that someone would want to go both ways. They had limits imposed upon them... and I had - have - very few of them because, well, I just didn't. And, of course, the most important lesson I learned was that just because I could do it didn't mean I had to.

Today, I see so many men and women who are confused by this; they're troubled by a lot of stuff being said today and stuff that's not even close to being new to me because I grew up hearing it. A friend asked me if I had any regrets over growing up bisexual and I told him that I have no regrets whatsoever. That same friend asked me if I hadn't grown up with this, would I have eventually become bisexual... and I didn't know how to answer that except to tell her that, yeah, I probably would have... but it's a moot point because I did grow up with it and, as such, I do not know what it's like to not be bisexual.

I remember the look on her face when I told her that chances are good that I've sucked more dick and have been fucked more than she had. She didn't get offended by that but she did say, "Now I know why you make love the way you do; you know what it's like to be a girl!" Yeah, I do know and, yeah, knowing this changed the way I have sex with women and made me more considerate, if nothing else.

Growing up bi was the best thing to ever happen to me...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I would eventually learn something that I didn't know about this: What it's like not to be bisexual right out of the gate. I grew up with it and a lot of guys and gals I knew and would meet also grew up with it but the older I got, the more I'd start running into guys who were "just now" finding out about how much fun one could have with another guy's dick. Sometimes curious, sometimes out of a sense of desperation, and sometimes so emotionally distraught that just having sex kinda made things better.

All of the angst about homosexuals made being bisexual a big time problem and I considered myself fortunate that I didn't get subjected to a whole lot of that hatred and prejudice but experienced it just the same. Even with all of that going on, it didn't really change anything for me because before I even got to high school, I knew for a fact that what everyone was saying about it being wrong and all fucked up was... wrong and I knew why it was wrong. Growing up with this is... different than, say, being 18 and just now wondering what it would be like to do it with another dude... or, as I'd learn later on, being in your 40s and getting a serious craving for dick and one that seemed to just come out of nowhere. The thing that bothered me the most wasn't exactly not knowing why this would show up late for some guys: It was not knowing or having any real experience with going from straight to bi and having to deal with a bunch of thoughts and feelings that everyone still says are forbidden and taboo.

The good thing was that I was learning a whole lot about this from the many men and women who grew up not giving this any thought and never experimented when they were younger... and now they very much wanted and needed to have sex in this way and how troubling just knowing this was to them... and how much it troubled me because I had no idea what this was like because I never went through this, well, not like so many others were. Had my first sexual experience with a girl when I was eight; had my first sexual experience with a male when I was nine and the time difference between the two events was merely months apart... but not a whole lot of years and like so many found themselves running into.

I didn't know what it was like to be straight for "most of my life" then find out that I was bi... so I had to learn about what that was like from other people and by doing that, it completed the circle for me and allowed me to understand bisexuality better. I better understood that it can hit someone at any time in their life and for a whole lot of reasons; I used to say that a guy just didn't wake up one morning and say to himself, "You know, today would be a good day to suck a dick!" - and wound up throwing that notion away because I'd learned that for some guys, that was exactly what happened for them and many of them really had no idea why, after all this time, this thought would land on them hard and heavy.

You live and learn, right?

Growing up with this allowed me to experience sex in ways not many people get to experience it. I got to a point where I could confidently say that if there was a way two guys could have sex, I've done it and if I hadn't, it was because I didn't want to and not because I didn't have a chance to. Group sex? Very old news to me because I grew up with it, whether it was with the fellas, with very hot-in-the-ass girls, and with both in attendance and all before I was even a teenager. I'd come in contact with people who had all of this as a fantasy but for me? It was all reality; been there, done that and never stopped; been around the block so many times that I owned it.

And while I was very much aware of how much this bothered a lot of people, it was, at first, hard to understand why it did because growing up with it taught me that what bothered them wasn't that big of a deal to me. While so many had opinions about going both ways, my head was full of hard fact borne out of real-deal experiences, many very good and some of them not so much and even the "I wish I hadn't done it" moments didn't do much to make me think twice about sex and being bisexual.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I'd also say that once some of us made that connection, some kids would "drop out" of the sexual activities and for those of us who didn't, eh, we just didn't care that boys doing it to boys were faggots and girls doing it to girls were dykes - it was sex... and sex was good and especially when us guys got around to shooting sperm instead of having that really good feeling and not knowing - or maybe not even caring - why at times our dicks would be twitching and jerking and that's all they did.

If anything, it made it possible to have that good, twitchy feeling, take a moment to catch your breath, then go right back at it. Other than having sex with a girl, there just wasn't anything that was more fun than to have a friend's dick in your mouth - and even more so when he was shooting stuff - or having it in your butt and feeling him on top of you and humping away like his life depended on it... then hearing him groan just before you felt his dick twitching in your butt and knowing that he was shooting his baby-making stuff in you and just like we could do with girls.

My friends and I were convinced that the adults who were saying that sex was bad were definitely crazy and didn't know what they were talking about, well, right up until some kids got either careless or just unlucky and got caught in the act... and the punishments were severe for many and sent a message to the rest of us but didn't go a long way to making us stop having sex. The message was very clear: [B]Don't get caught doing it[/B].

In between having sex like it was going out of style, I was learning a lot about it because, not to brag or anything, I was an incredibly smart kid and a very damned curious one. Since my parents and other adults would often lose their cool over all the questions I'd ask them, it just made sense to me that if they didn't want to answer something, well, I had a library card and I loved to read and it also made sense to me to read everything I could get away with reading about sex and all those rules that were getting pounded into my head.

I found out that having sex with boys and girls was called bisexuality. I found out what was wrong about incest and I actually had a medical dictionary that had pictures in and information on how penises and vaginas looked like on the inside, how they worked, and how girls can get pregnant if we shoot our stuff in them at the right time. In this, okay - I better understood why some girls didn't want to have sex and that was regretful... but there were always boys who wanted to so it wasn't that much of a "loss," to put it that way.

Even eventually getting caught screwing my brother didn't change my view of having sex as a bisexual and I still think that I didn't get my ass kicked like I was expecting because my mom probably knew we were doing it and took that moment to stop it... which didn't happen but that's not really the point... but is at a higher level of thought.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]It's very different when you grow up with that "thing" for boys and girls. Kinda scary and/or very exciting to, first, find out about sex and then find out that, if you're a guy, girls aren't the only people you can have sex with. It's a whirlwind of physical and emotional stimulation and, at least for myself, the beginning of questioning everything I'd been told... and what my parents didn't want to tell me.

So much sex; so many experiences in a relatively short period of time. And along the way, learning so much that I'm surprised my head didn't explode trying to process everything and make some kind of sense of it. Still, having sex with a boy, girl, and both at times became second nature to me; it was both very damned exciting and just "more of the same" whenever a bunch of us got together and decided that our time would be best spent having sex with each other and when time and other factors allowed, sometimes all day long especially when school was out.

And so very addictive. I could understand why adults were saying that sex could get you into all kinds of trouble because me and the crew would take risks to do it that, as an adult, I wouldn't dare even think about. And while in those early days life was full of stuff like doing chores and going to school and getting good grades, the highlight of those days was being able to have sex with someone... and pretty much anyone who wanted to and, yeah, that included the dreaded "I" word which, at least back then, was very damned confusing and adults went to great lengths to make sure that their children weren't fucking each other and, well, let's just say that they weren't as successful as they may have hoped to be.

Or, as I was beginning to suspect, they knew what could be going on and chose to do or say nothing unless (a) ya got caught in the act or (b) someone complained about it. We knew about faggots and bull dykes because we'd hear adults talking about this and I don't think any of us connected any of this with what we were doing, well, not 'at first', I'll say.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]If you're not doing this to yourself when you shower, give it a try but do yourself a huge favor: Make sure your fingernails are clipped nice and short and there are no jagged edges! After my shower this morning and thinking about getting a toy, eh, it's not that I have to worry about my wife giving me some shit about having one since she knows all about me. It's just that I know it would be good for me to keep it in my shower... but if someone else were to use that bathroom and get nosey and peek in the shower, yeah, I'm not of a mind to have to deal with someone giving me funny looks or asking me questions I either don't want to answer... or they're not gonna like hearing the answers.

I wouldn't have to reach for it since it's easy just to use a very soapy digit and I don't have to clean a toy or remember to clean it.[/SIZE][/FONT]