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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I don’t and can’t deny that I did these things and breaking a whole lot of rules to do them and risking severe punishment for it. Sometimes, I’d hate myself when having a good time having sex with my brother or sister because I knew I shouldn’t be but the fact remained that it would happen and everyone had a good time doing it.

I’d sometimes find myself feeling very guilty, dirty, and nasty when sucking a boy’s dick or having him on top of me and fucking me until he squirted his sperm in my butt and it would be so strong that I’d often want to throw up and run away from it.

Still, I wouldn’t throw up, didn’t run away and, in fact, couldn’t wait to do it again but, yeah, I hated that I liked - and dare I say, loved - having sex with other boys as well as having sex with girls. I didn’t know there was a word for this but what I did know was wasn’t supposed to be having sex yet and, yep, doing it would often not make me feel good before, during, and after the fact.

I’d sometimes feel horrible to just think about having sex and wanting to do it with a boy... and it didn’t make any sense to me to feel this way - and I wanted - needed - to find out why.

It took decades to find the answer. I asked a lot of questions and questions that often got me into big time trouble and punished for even thinking about such things and, again, told not to do it. Too late - already doing it but I need to know why doing something that feels so good keep trying to make me feel bad about it.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I am a 64 year old bisexual. I’ve been sexually active since I was eight years old and over all of this time, I’ve had sex in ways that would give some people a stroke and with a lot of it, I’ve felt guilt and self-loathing but not so much denial because even to my young mind, it didn’t make sense to deny something I liked doing... even thought I’d been told not to.

Why would I feel guilty after having sex with another boy? Because I was made to feel guilty over having broken the rules and rules I was very much aware of. I had asked myself a question: Why does something that’s supposed to be so bad feel so good?

The answer? Because it’s supposed to feel good to have sex but only with girls so if you have with with a boy, it’s bad and I should feel bad for even thinking about it.

And I would and did feel bad, not just about that but having sex, period and more so when you add in the fact that I was having sex with people I shouldn’t never have sex with, like my brother, my older sister, a lot of cousins and quite a few adults.[/SIZE][/FONT]

This is the third and second last of the series regarding my acceptance of my sexuality and elaborates on the [URL="https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual"]Accepting I am Bisexual[/URL] post.

[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4337-The-Internal-Struggle[/URL]
[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual[/URL]

[I]I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.....
[/I]
How fitting the Ace of Base song is. You definitely see the signs, whether or not you choose to acknowledge them for what they may be is a different story so in this blog I'll point out some of my more major signs that I experienced through my life that lead to this point. They won't be in much detail nor will I cover them all but there were quite a few, some insignificant at the time but when you add them all up it shows a pattern. It would be interesting to read some of the signs others experienced from those who also took a long time to accept their sexuality.

1) There was no such thing as the internet in my teenage years nor did my father have a stash of pornography for a bi-curious horny teenager to look at so the only way I could cop a look was in the changing rooms. I was curious about cock but I had to be careful not get seen so for the most part it was eyes down but plenty liked showing off what they had and they seemed to get their kicks off doing so. I really thought this was out of curiosity but it in fact it was one of the earlier signs. You definitely didn't want to be caught looking as this would be giving them an excuse to bully and in the 1980's.... you get my drift.

2) In my early twenties I started to appreciate the male form and would cop a look in admiration of any well built male walking around in a singlet or topless. I still do today and it's probably the reason why I try and keep my body toned to some extent, that and I'm vain.

3) I've always had a fascination with anal and felt my anus was a two way street. For me, there was something highly arousing seeing a man penetrate another anally in gay porn that I couldn't get enough of but I stopped when I was nearly caught masturbating to it. In absence of gay porn I went back to straight focusing now on both cock and pussy. If it didn't have cock I wasn't interested. Lesbian porn has never done anything for me, but throw conventional straight sex in and I'm interested. The fascination with anal eventually led me to buying something cock-shaped to satisfy that curiosity and from the moment it slid up past my prostate, I knew it was for me. I didn't last long.

4) Like all men, if I don't masturbate enough I will have sex dreams and these both included men and women. I used to wake up shocked and ashamed when these were male thinking it must be a mistake, however I would be rock hard and the sheets soaked from pre-cum. Sleeping lets your sub-conscious reign supreme and often shows you the truth, unfettered. Sometimes these were men I knew and it was difficult to look at them next time I saw them after what happened in the dream. Whoops.

5) I experienced a couple of same sex crushes in my mid twenties to mid thirties. Nothing major and I feel these were more of an emotional connection rather than sexual or perhaps I just didn't realise. The one that started all this and the reason why you have to read all this guff happened in my late thirties where I experienced an incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. This still remains the only time I have felt this. This attraction was definitely sexual but also went deeper and could have developed in to a romantic one over time had it been allowed to progress.

6) I got propositioned by a man I have known for some time for sex three years ago over Skype (messaging) but I turned it down even though my body was telling me different. I was rock hard and excited at the prospect but my suppression won out. I really considered it. The question how did he know when I hadn't even accepted it myself? Outwardly I act very straight so this could be a pheromone thing or him just throwing caution to the wind I suppose.

7) I wanted to know what semen tasted like so I had to try my own and I actually quite enjoyed it. I still have issues in this department and can only do it when I'm horny enough, it's a work in progress. I have tried to deposit directly in to my mouth, but I'm too old to accomplish that now.

8) When masturbating for the few years prior to 2017 before my acceptance, I often but not always used gay sex fantasies or written stories. For some strange reason I thought written stories weren't as bad as visual, well, that's how I rationalised it to myself. Once I ejaculated I was embarrassed and ashamed even though I knew I really enjoyed it. This tended to happen the longer the session went so when I discovered edging....

This entry took a while to write because I had to choose which signs I felt had the most impact. In writing and posting on the forum I have become more comfortable talking about my sexuality and the exploration I used during my journey to acceptance. Most of these details I have shared over time in various posts however some I have not shared before but due to their impact on the process I felt compelled to mention them. Everyone is different but this is what really affected me and yes, it's hard to see why I didn't accept it a lot earlier.

[FONT=trebuchet ms][FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I don’t want or need any of that porn shit; I don’t want to shoot my load on your face and I will be disappointed if you push me into the abyss and take your marvelous mouth away and let my spunk go to waste.

Take my cum; taste it; swallow it so I can be more of a part of you and share my maleness with you because this is a part of the experience, the only real way to feed the hungry beast that lives within you that needs cock and cum to survive.

Just suck me. Make me tremble in the face of your passion; make me shiver with delight. Make me sweat; make my heart pound hard and fast in my chest so you can feel my pulse in your mouth.

Suck me. Suck my dick. No playing. No teasing. Suck me, and finish me so I can show you my lust, passion and desire, too, and no - there will be no escape for you.

The only thing you have to “prove” to me is how much you love it, how much you need to do it. Let your beast loose on me and suck me until I flood your mouth with cum.

Yes... do it... show me your cock sucking beast...[/SIZE][/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Show me how much you love to suck dick; make my body start to fuck into your mouth all by itself, to keep pushing me out of control, until there’s nothing else in the world except your mouth on my dick.

Don’t look for me to grab your head and fuck your mouth like a maniac; I don’t want to fuck you in the mouth - I want you to blow me. Make me groan; make me cuss; make my eyes roll up in my head because you’re making it feel so good.

And by all means, don’t concern yourself with whether you’re good at this - your passion and desire will speak for you. If you need to catch your breath, that’s okay - I understand because I’ve been where you and it won’t be long before I will be where you are and exposing you to my passion and desire.

I won’t show you any mercy and I expect none to be given. Suck me. Push me to the edge and shove me over it; make me cum in your mouth; feel the urgency of my cock pulsing in your mouth because you made me give up my spunk so your hunger can be fed.

Take it. Suck it. Make me cum. Show me your raw passion and desire to suck cock. My dick isn’t a toy - don’t play with it. Suck it, lick it; fondle my balls and leave my ass alone - that’s for some other time and a time when I just might want you to make love to my cock but for now?

Suck me. Eat my dick. Force me to give up my seed to your hunger. This is what I need you to do more than anything else. Suck me. Own me. Make me feel your raw passion, lust, and desire.

Yes... suck my cock...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Go down on me. Take my cock and cover it with licks and kisses then make me gasp as you close your mouth around me. Let’s not have any of that teasing or edging shit; don’t keep looking up at me to see if I’m looking at you or otherwise making goo-goo eyes at me.

Dont make love to my prick - suck it. Show me how hungry you are; work your mouth, lips, and tongue on me as if your life depends on it. Forget about impressing me with your skill, not that it won’t be appreciated but it’s not your skill I want to experience.

It’s your desire. I don’t want you to be concerned with making me last or making me cum “too fast;” just suck my dick like you mean it.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I don't knock people for having preferences but those horny-ass white kids I knew taught me that the only real preference was to have sex - period. Let's do it because we can do it and worry about the consequences later. When getting with a Black person became a "thing" at first, I was thrilled... until it started to become clear to me that most of the time, a white person would want to get with me just because I was Black - and not so much because of my sparkling personality, intelligence and wit.

It took me a long time to stop being miffed about that and, yeah, sometimes, it still fucks with me to run into people who see this as some kind of novelty or something to check off of their bucket list. I understand it but I grew up understanding that it shouldn't make a difference so, yeah, sometimes, it still bugs me a little.

My protege has a thing about Black men and I've remained curious as to why some folks have this preference. I've asked him about it and the funny thing is that he can't really tell me why he has this preference but, this, too, over the years and decades, has taught me something: Familiarity does breed contempt. Or, as he put it, he sees white guys all of the time and, as such, he just doesn't pay much attention to them and, as strange as it might sound, it actually makes sense. I see Black people all of the time and, um, yeah, I wanna have sex with most of them but sure - you don't always go that way because it's "par for the course" - I can't explain it any better than that.

Those horny-assed white kids helped to teach me that I can look at anyone and feel a desire to have sex with them... because they're people... and a lot of people like having sex. It's a big-picture look; seeing sex for what it is and can be more than what it's supposed to be or even how we can tend to make it be. Again, I don't turn my nose up at anyone who has, let's say, racial preferences; I just don't see the real point in having them since if they serve to do anything else, it eliminates people from consideration when you're horny and wanna let laid.

I know white folks who would never consider having sex with me... because I'm Black. And they can't explain why although, in some situations, eh, they did and came away with a less than stellar opinion of it but, I think, not fully considering that it wasn't the color of the person's skin that made the sex shitty - it was whatever was going on inside their head that made the sex shitty.

The very white poly-wife I had told me once that she grew up knowing Black kids and that she even liked this one Black guy. Did she have sex with him? Nope - never crossed her mind and until I had gone to her that night and made love to her, well, it was a first time for her. She told me that before that time, she just never thought about it and probably because "she wasn't supposed to" have sex with a Black guy.

And all it did was make me think about how... insular and tribal we can be about having sex with each other, that utter nonsense that races should never mix when, hmm, they've been mixing all along. I learned before I was a teenager that if I didn't want to have sex with you, the color of your skin wasn't they reason why - it would because there was something about you I didn't like, that "beauty" is only skin deep... and ugly is sure as shit very deep to the bone.

As long as someone isn't my idea of an asshole or a cunt, sure - we can have sex if that's what you wanna do and I hate admitting that there are a lot of people who can't "pass" this particular test of mine... but it's just us being human and I get that - I just don't think we should keep being like this and one day, we'll fully learn not to let our differences stop us from enjoying sex together... because we're supposed to enjoy doing it to each other and in any way we can.[/SIZE][/FONT]

I've wanted to write this post for a long time. This is a bit of a leap because I can't find anything on this particular topic on Bisexual.Com, especially nothing like what I'm about to share, so here goes...

As a man, I feel lucky to have had some amazing opportunities to explore my sexuality through workshops on sacred sexuality. I feel I owe it to my journey to pass along some of what I've learned. -- and this topic is especially one that's very near and dear to me, one that has amounted to the most for me in terms of my growth and understanding on so many levels.

Over the years, my experiences of sacred sex have included workshops at hot springs on sex and spirit, erotic massage training, tantra gatherings; books, classes and loads of online resources.

Also, I'll say -- for sure, and from personal experience and with a strong sense of sincerity: I have found the world of sacred sexuality to be very open to bisexual men -- indeed very accepting of men and women of ALL orientations, life experience and lifestyle.

Put simply: bi men have a place, can find respect, can connect with community, and are welcome in many, many of these communities, and I'm happy to share this -- and if you don't get anything else from this post, you'll get the best I have to offer by taking this one point to heart.

So, here's a brief synopsis, a few key highlights of what I've learned.

First off, I'd like to stress what I believe sacred sexuality is -- and what it is not.

Here's my own definition: Sacred sexuality is any of a number of approaches or practices which accept and embrace sex or erotic pleasure as a positive force to inform and enrich one's life. Sacred sex is intended to assist human potential, emotional and psychological growth and development, expand consciousness, cultivate inner peace, find happiness, feel one's heart, heal inner wounds, experience contentment, and realize ease of being. Sacred sex can include a focus on the experience of what is sexually arousing and exciting to break through barriers and experience higher states of consciousness. Ultimately, sacred sex may help us realize how all things are inter-related and interdependent. Sacred approaches to sex can help us realize how Sex is like a light within us. It can radiate and shine into our lives and our relationships with others if we choose to allow it.

What sacred sex is NOT: it's not a free-for-all; it's not about orgies. It's not about "free love"... Sacred sex is not a quick-fix; it often involves rigorous practices and techniques that require discipline and committed effort over a longer period of time. in fact, many of the sacred sex events I've attended don't even involve nudity (though a few do).

What I find best around approaching and navigating sacred sexuality is to drop any preconceived ideas you might have -- especially at the beginning -- and allow your own investigation and experience to be your guide. Trust in your own experience, how ever that may manifest for you.


Sacred sexuality can include aspects of and resources from:

Tantra
Sex-positivity
Mindful sex
Union of sexuality and spirituality
Sacred self-pleasure / spiritual solo sex - masturbation intentionally focused on generating higher states of energy awareness within the body
Conscious open relationships - polyamory
Sex Magik
Ecstatic Dance
Erotic Yoga
Somatic Sex



Some key points I've learned from Sacred sex -- these are my own, your mileage may vary:


1. Sex is a journey -- we might better regard our sexuality as a process rather than a goal. We might open to the possibilities that our sex lives can reveal a deeper meaning to our experience of life, and that meaning may have a sacred or spiritual dimension to it. The journey of our sexual lives might not need a destination, rather the wisdom is found in the unfolding of it. Sex and sexuality might be here as resources to help inform us of something deeper about ourselves.

2. Sacred sex can be healing -- we have wounds, all of us. We wouldn't be alive if we weren't being injured or hurt along the way; pain is a reminder that we ARE alive. Sacred outlook around our sexuality is here to help us heal our hearts and open our minds.

3 You are good just as you are -- who you are and what you are all there really is. Your life is workable and good just as you find it. Especially for bisexual men, we have to overcome so many biases and judgments and expectations and categorizations -- many from society, but many of our own making -- this message I find to be particularly helpful.

4. We are meant to experience the joy and pleasure that sexual energy can bring us. By attuning us to the subtle energies that sex is about -- ones that so often go unnoticed -- applying sacred outlook to our sexual being is a wonderful way to discover and learn and grow and expand and fully embrace our erotic pleasure.

5. Sacred Sex can make us aware of the harm we may cause -- As men (and women), we can learn how better to engage with our sexuality in ways that cultivate respect and love and honor and compassion and overcome the cycle that creates harm for ourselves and harm for one another.

6. Ultimately, we are all light. We are love itself. While we are living our busy, burdensome lives, mindlessly marching to fulfill our many obligations in life, it's easy to forget the profundity of this simple existence. With each breath we take, it's a miracle that we are alive now but for a fleeting space of time. We come and we go - yet there is something unique, even sacred in between. Sacred sexuality is a way of finding meaning in our lives, in ways that can go far deeper, tapping into our deeper consciousness -- and we can remember who we are as sacred beings through our sacred opportunity -- which is right now...


Let me know what you think... I look forward to your thoughts and comments... I love Bisexual.Com and come here often.

-- Perry in the San Francisco Bay Area