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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I figured out that if nothing else, it's a trust issue; it's normal to trust someone you know more than someone you just met five minutes ago. The problem, however, is that we all have things about us that we won't trust anyone with... and having an interest in men is one of them. It's not quite like coming out even though, when trying to determine if your friend might be interested in letting you play with his dick, you're both "coming out" and making a proposition all at once. What you find that you don't know about your friend - and no matter how long you've known them - is whether they're going to be agreeable, disagreeable... or you're about to tell them something they already knew about you but never said anything.

I also learned that you can't always "believe" what a friend says. I've had many friends who'd rant and rave against guys doing guys and so much that I believed what they were saying was true... and then found out later that it was all bluster and protective covering... and sometimes they really did mean everything they said against it. It puts you in a very tough spot with a friend because you just don't know how he's gonna take what you have to say and are proposing...

While a stranger, well, in a lot of situations, they're more likely to make their intentions a bit more clearer... but now you're wondering if they're safe - and in any way you care to think about that - or not. One of the lessons one learns - and one, I think, should learn - is to trust their instincts and if your gut is telling you that this good-looking stranger would be a "bad" bed partner, trust it - and just walk away. But sometimes, your gut can be wrong, too, which makes this whole situation even more difficult to navigate.

More sayings: Fortune favors the bold; it's better to try and fail than to never try at all; nothing ventured, nothing gained and a whole lot more I could mention but the bottom line always comes down to this:

How badly do you want that dick... and what are you willing to risk in order to get it?[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]If I remember correctly, I think I read this in a book: "Sometimes it's better the devil you know than the one you don't..." and it took me a little time to figure out what this meant and once I did, it had me paying attention to the guys I was having sex with and even I noticed that more often than not, the guy I was having sex with was someone I did, in fact, know and I'd known them for years and as opposed to the random guys who'd approach me for sex and I either didn't know them or didn't know anything about them other than their name - and if I knew that much about them.

Again, whether I accepted their "indecent proposal" or not isn't at issue; sometimes I did, most times I didn't. Every now and then a "stranger" would approach me and make a proposal or clumsily hint at it - and I'd find out that we actually had a friend in common and that friend recommended the "stranger" to me... which had me wondering why our common friend, who I'd had sex with, didn't get with his friend and make him happy.

Which was about the time when I began to see that some guys would avoid asking their friends for some dick and felt their chances were better with someone who wasn't a friend.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]When thinking about the numbers - something I learned not to do a lot of because it makes my head hurt - I came to realize that I've gotten more dick from guys I knew than guys I didn't know before the fact. When this first came to my attention I didn't think much about it but it became clear that many of the guys who came to me looking for a first experience were more of a mind to do it with someone they knew; if not a "true" friend then an acquaintance, being in the same class in school, stuff like that.

Not too long after this revelation, I began to hear about guys going to their friends, dropping hints and hoping to get some dick experience from them; some were successful while others wound up losing a friend and, sometimes, making an enemy. I also noticed that "all of a sudden," there were a lot of guys wanting to "be friends" with me and I was seeing that some of them had a plan for us to be friends so that, later, they could do their best to sneak in a discussion about guys having sex with guys...

And would that be something I'd be interested in? Now, with the guys I had much in common with, I figured it would be just a matter of time before the subject came up; with those I almost immediately knew we didn't have much in common or I'd see them around here and there, never said anything to each other outside of saying hello... and now them wanting us to be buddies just made me suspicious.

And it usually didn't take long to figure out why they wanted to be friends. Now it's not a matter of whether or not they'd put having sex on the table and whether I agreed to it or not; sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't, but I was still damned curious why a guy, when looking for his first dick experience, would "hit" on his friends first.[/SIZE][/FONT]

Well, over a year ago I wrote a 4 part blog on how it all began, well that is the past , I am definitely no longer at the beginning, am I at the end ?
Oh hell no, if anything this roller coaster is heading to the top of the hill and preparing for the high speed thrill and the loop de loop.

So, I took a few months away from all social media and spent more time learning me. Some may have noticed I deleted the more x-rated photos and placed ones that I feel have some sexy to them (as much as I can), without tapping into my inner whore, although she is fun.

They just were not who I am anymore. Yeah, I know, thats like the school slut saying I am not easy now, I have virtue, yeah right ! I think many that are like me, and play two different gender roles, go through the phase of showing everything God gave them, then kind of back away from it. Sort of a attention thing, but what do I know, I am a crossdresser, not a shrink

During the last couple of months, I went on 4 dates, been out in public numerous times, and even once did a stand up routine as Jazmin ( a open mic type of thing), strangely, I had guys I figured would be President of the homophobia club come up and tell me they enjoyed it and even did a few pictures with them, 2 of them even bought me a drink, said it was worth the laugh, especially the joke about dating and cars

What was nice, the dates I went on, the guys were not just trying to get their cock sucked and go home, we actually went to dinner, movies, the whole thing, although it was strange to dance with someone and feel their boner on your hip, now I know how all those poor girls in high school felt. Most of them seemed to be guys that wanted to go out, and have company and a companion who understood them more than genetic women usually do, and they could be open and free about their bi-side, although one, I tried to find the words to say dude, you are gay, you are so gay you are Marvin Gay and there aint no closet high enough. Poor guy seemed like he was trying so hard to hold on to some heterosexuality, I wish him the best.I did give him the number to a friend that is good with talking to people who are coming out

During this time, I learned we are no longer in 1982. Multiple times I was in stores and felt people looking and thought, oh shit, here it comes, but the guys, were all polite and respectful even using feminine pronouns, I mean almost 100% of the time. It was like the men were live and let live, and what ever is good with them, as long as it doesnt impact their lives.

now the women, damn, I didint know some of them could squint that hard, some serious evil looks, outside of clubs, I only talked to one female. She had a Trump 2020 bumper sticker and yelled to me, which caught me by surprise, she wanted to know where I bought my dress. So we spent a few minutes and logged onto my amazon account from my cell phone so I could send her a snapshot of it, she even said thank you and hugged me when she left.

The worst people to deal with were in the clubs, girls/guys like me, damn you wanna talk about some catty bitches, it was worse than a high school cheerleader locker room trying to one up each other. Outside of the current NFL, I had never seen so many prima donnas in one spot.

But I did find a chill relaxing club that wasn't all techno music, little bit older crowd. Been there like 5 times now and usually there is only two or three like me.

Now, let me tell you the benefits of wearing leather pants and a corset with 6 inch heels, your ass dont pay for drinks, its like a dream come true, if I had known this years ago, could have saved a ton of money. The negative, with only a few of us and 20 to 50 guys, you dance a lot, I mean a lot, you are wiped out at the end of the night. It's cool though, most of the guys just seemed to want to have fun and relax

So, am I gonna live my life as a girl, hell no, I still like playing with boobies and kissing a women between the thighs, and maybe sometimes borrowing her pantys, with permission of course

what it does mean, I am closer to coming to grips with who I am, I am much more comfortable and relaxed, and I don't worry what others think.

Unless someone says my dress makes my ass look fat, then we got issues

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]And I always wanted to play. I always wanted to be the patient, to have a hard dick in my mouth as well as sliding in and out of my ass. I wanted to taste sperm, to feel it being pumped into my ass and feel it oozing out of my butt and, yeah, the bigger the dick in my ass, the more the sperm would ooze out. And while the adult men who fucked me wasn't of a mind to play "Doctor," in the end, it didn't make any real difference since I could either suck them off or relish in the discomfort of having their "huge" pricks stretching my asshole out, feeling them very deep inside me until their dick would swell so much it would often make me gasp - then that crazy, insane pumping feeling would be happening inside me.

But among us boys? Sure - let's play. Any time. Anywhere we could get away with it. One dick or several of them. Again, being versatile - in today's terms - was just a matter of course; you sucked and fucked and you got sucked and got fucked and the only exception was the one gay kid among us; he only wanted to suck and be fucked and we were all too happy to accommodate him whenever he'd eagerly volunteer to be the only patient us "doctors" were gonna see.

I'll end this by saying that it wasn't until I was much, much older before I realized how... unique my childhood was in this respect, that the lot of us getting bitten by the sex bug at almost the same time was both kinda normal and not so much. Back then, none of us thought much about it, didn't worry about anything other than getting caught and, for us, it was really pretty normal for us to have so much sex with each other and, sometimes, more than we were having sex with girls. Even between the ages of 9 and 15, I had sucked more dick and gotten fucked more than any girl I knew... then or now.

And mostly because we figured out how to take a childhood game and turn it into a reason to have sex with each other.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]The truth was that we were all some very nasty critters. Voracious cock suckers and with a lack of refraction in those early days, we could suck and fuck each other for long periods of time before dicks just refused to get hard again by that I mean it would be an hour or more before dicks could get hard again. And while I loved being sucked and love to fuck my friends, I realized that I liked - loved - being the one to do the sucking and the one being fucked in my ass. It wouldn't be for a few more years before guys weren't so... versatile as we were in our younger days and while I still got fucked a lot - and sucked even more dick - it was disappointing to run into guys who didn't want to fuck me and no matter how much I'd beg them to... and, yeah, sometimes, I would beg big time for him to stuff his dick in my butt and cum inside me.

Sometimes we'd skip the game-playing and just ask, "Do you wanna do it?" but there were still some times when we'd be sitting around thinking and talking about what to do and someone would say, "Let's play Doctor!" - and I was all for it. My god... I was such a slut back then! Sometimes we'd literally flip a coin - if we had one - to see who would take what role first... but a lot of times, I'd just volunteer to be the patient first and I'd want to "hurry" through the testicle test, spend just a little time getting my temperature taken orally, and get right to having my temperature taken rectally... so I could zone out and revel in the nasty feelings of having another boy fucking me and shooting his sperm into me... and repeating as necessary.

And depending on where we happened to be - likely in one of the many abandoned apartment buildings we'd claimed as our club house - the isolation would lend itself to dicks being sucked repeatedly and asses being fucked and creamed. And to have more than one "doctor" put his thermometer in my butt? Sheer heaven and during summer, my god, there were a lot of days when I'd be on my way home and still have spunk leaking out of my butt and/or my stomach would be growling because all of the sperm I had consumed and the only real thing I worried about was one of my parents looking at me and asking me if there was anything wrong with me or I didn't look okay to them.

And maybe they knew; I kinda thought that they did and just didn't say anything even though I got to learn that, sometimes, when they'd tell me to go outside and don't get into any trouble, that could have also meant to not get caught having sex - with anyone. I don't know and I guess at this point in my life, it doesn't matter.

Shit... even when my brother and I got busted in the act, the beating I expected to get never happened... and I thought there were two possible reasons. One was our mother was so mad that beating me would have resulted in some very serious injuries... or she had known it all along and even getting caught in the act, beating the shit out of me would have served no real purpose.

But before that eventful day, we played "Doctor" and with disturbing frequency...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I can't begin to explain how exciting it was to know what was gonna happen when someone wanted to play "Doctor;" the only thing more exciting, for me, anyway, was playing "House" with a girl and one I knew would say, at some point, "We should try to make a baby!" Even more fun when it "just made sense" to taste the place where the "baby" was gonna come out and kinda like playing "Doctor" with a girl. So much fun to lick, suck and kiss her down there and she squirming and giggling and telling me how good it made her feel and just being patient while waiting for her to let me know she was ready for us to "make our baby."

And, you know, sometimes that had to be done several times before the stork would bring us our bundle of joy... just sayin'.

Sometimes, we'd play a short "pick 'em" game to see who would be the doctor or patient first... and a lot of times, I'd just volunteer to be the patient so that the doctor would play with my balls and state that my ding-dong was fine since, um, it would be very hard and sticking up. Then it would be time for the doctor to stick his thermometer in my mouth... and, I figured out many years later, that moment alone would cause me to have an orgasm running all through me as I did my best to "hold" the thermometer in my mouth and it would take a lot of moving around to make sure it was in the right place and I'd know when it was because my doctor would say that he was gonna do it... and my mouth would get flooded with salty-sweet sperm. But the exam wouldn't be over; I just had to wait a few moments before he could put his thermometer in my butt.

And once it was in there, I was in heaven. I just loved feeling the doctor's weight on my back, feeling his dick moving in and out of me; so comforting and, sometimes, I'd just zone out and the only thing I was aware of was his dick deep in my butt and his body against mine. I'd sometimes feel his dick shudder, get a little bigger... then the squirting would happen and it was so damned good that, sometimes, I didn't want him to stop shooting his stuff into me. And even when he eventually did, sometimes, I didn't want him to take it out - just keep in there until it got hard again - and shoot more stuff into me.

I was telling my protege, the guy I'm mentoring in things bisexual, about those moments and he said, "Damn - you were one seriously nasty critter!"

Yeah, I was...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Sometimes, conditions were such that only taking one's temperature orally was the only way it could get done, depending on where we happened to be and all that. Thinking back to those moments, we just seemed to understand that it didn't take a long time to insert one's thermometer into someone's mouth and, uh, squirt in the "candy" and that we could do that pretty much anywhere we could be out of sight for a few minutes.

And because I had become totally and completely hooked on sucking dick, I loved it when the "doctor" would insist that my temperature be taken, pull out his thermometer, and stick it in my mouth; the "rules" said that one did not grab the thermometer and put it in your mouth; as the patient, your job was to open your mouth and let the doctor put it in. I recalled this... and starting laughing again to think about how serious we were about the rules of the game... while doing something that broke all of the rules.

We'd gotten slick about wanting to play the game and when we were around adults who would probably beat the shit out of us for talking about sex - then take us home so our parents could beat some more shit out of us. We'd say something like, "I'm not feeling good - I might need to see the doctor..." and we all knew what that meant and the reply was usually like, "Okay... well, let's go see if we can find one!"

Realistically, we weren't as slick as we thought we were; I was sure that any adult who might have overheard us knew what we were talking about. Sometimes if we were overheard, an adult would give us a funny look and sometimes we'd get a look that wasn't funny... like they knew what we were talking about doing and were okay with it. And by okay, well, maybe I need to explain that a bit more.

It wasn't that the adults didn't know we were playing games and "experimenting" on each other with this sex thing - they knew; the thing was to never get caught doing it and sometimes, they'd even warn us not to get caught by saying something like, "You boys go on somewhere and behave yourself and don't get into any trouble..." which lead me to believe, when I looked back at those early days, yeah - they knew we were having sex with each other and those words really meant, "Don't let us catch you doing it!"[/SIZE][/FONT]