Asexuals...thoughts???

[serenity]

so i caught the end of 20/20's segment on asexuals and thought it would make an intresting topic. like us lgbt folk they say that asexuality is not a choice but it is just who they are when they are born. i have to admit that my gut response was skeptical(with the upmost respect of course. there are many ignorant folks who feel that way about the lgbt folks. i suppose that the possibility exists. why not, right? but i was wondering if there may be a difference, and that being something psychological that makes it difficult for a person to relate to another romantically and sexually. but we are what we are, right. anyhow, thoughts?? anyone actually have experience with this? insight? How bout you Mimi? You're the psychologist :tong:

[Mimi]

hmmm... interesting question, serenity. well, someone who is "asexual" basically has low sexual desire or no sexual desire. sometimes that is a genetic thing, but sometimes it's also a result of other emotional difficulties. i have really only met one asexual person in my life, and they were sort of a hermit. so there are people who have no sexual longing for anyone, and along with that is a lack of interpersonal connection. i always thought michael jackson was asexual, but i think that's a whole nother show! :tong:

the thing is that "true" asexuals usually are content with their situation and are happy with their life. it's the people close to them that have the issue with it (e.g., spouses, partners, etc.). but that's as far as my clinical knowledge goes! :nrrdgrrl:

mimi :flag1:

[ambi53mm]

so i caught the end of 20/20's segment on asexuals and thought it would make an intresting topic. like us lgbt folk they say that asexuality is not a choice but it is just who they are when they are born. i have to admit that my gut response was skeptical(with the upmost respect of course. there are many ignorant folks who feel that way about the lgbt folks. i suppose that the possibility exists. why not, right? but i was wondering if there may be a difference, and that being something psychological that makes it difficult for a person to relate to another romantically and sexually. but we are what we are, right. anyhow, thoughts?? anyone actually have experience with this? insight? How bout you Mimi? You're the psychologist :tong:

I would have to admit that I know very little about asexuality outside of an overview of the subject. My question would be aren't we all born that way? At what age do we become capable of being sexual one way or another? My earliest memories into the realms of sexuality begin at about three or four and it was sexual in that it was discovering that I had this part of my body that felt good when I touched it..no arousal based on an attraction to anyone no romantic motivation..By an asexual definition I was asexual.
In one article I had read it also refered to asexuality as a phase some seem to drift in and out of while trying to discover their sexual inclinations and that masturbation was common during the phase. When we masturbate I suppose that to some extent we do lean towards some gender identification. My first male to male experiences were to a large extent with myself. Even though this might be defined as asexual by some definitions there is this mind to body connection where the mind is having sex with the body, and the body is responding to the mind. The sexual arousal is there but is it asexual in that it's all coming from within and can only be defined as being sexual if one gender or another is involved? LOL I think I'll leave it to the psychologists to figure out and be satisfied that I'm just plain ambisexual :)

Ambi :)

[ambi53mm]

i always thought michael jackson was asexual, but i think that's a whole nother show! :tong:
mimi :flag1:

LOL I think Michael Jackson might fit into the category of being a slysexual...and given his recent self-exilied status perhaps even a byebyesexual :bigrin:

Ambi :)

[Tx46M]

hmmm... interesting question, serenity. well, someone who is "asexual" basically has low sexual desire or no sexual desire. sometimes that is a genetic thing, but sometimes it's also a result of other emotional difficulties. i have really only met one asexual person in my life, and they were sort of a hermit. so there are people who have no sexual longing for anyone, and along with that is a lack of interpersonal connection. i always thought michael jackson was asexual, but i think that's a whole nother show! :tong:

the thing is that "true" asexuals usually are content with their situation and are happy with their life. it's the people close to them that have the issue with it (e.g., spouses, partners, etc.). but that's as far as my clinical knowledge goes! :nrrdgrrl:

mimi :flag1:

Mimi,
Years ago I dated a woman 3 or 4 times and she then told me if I wanted the relationship to endure I would have to understand she had no interest in any kind of sexual relationship at all. I decided to remain, and as it turned out her apparent asexuality was due to being molested as a very young girl, hence the situation. As time went on and she found how truly wonderful relationships can be, that all changed for the better. Point being I truly believe we are all sexual beings until environment (usually family influences) strips that from us and renders some of us disfunctional sexually speaking.

:2cents: :male:

[serenity]

i think i had that skeptical response because i too have always believed that people by nature are sexual beings. if children fit within the context of the asexual definition than i suppose we would be considered asexual at birth, and than behaviors are learned. at some point as a child though, around the age of 6 i think, i know i started masturbating. i may not have understood what i was doing but i was making a concious choice at least. i have always thought of children as sexual beings once they start exploring themselves and discover what feels good based on my experiences. also at the age of six i started having crushes on boys. sexual thoughts were not apart of that. does asexual mean you can still be a sexual person, just not sexually attracted to another person? if this is the case than i suppose we do start out as asexual. ooooooh, dilema...than if we start out as asexuals and behaviors are learned.... here's where i may be thinking too much...how are we able to make the case that we are born lgbt? hmmmmm... homophobes like to claim it is a choice we make, or a bad behavior that we learn. as if we are who we are because we were molested or because we never learned to connect with the opposite sex. so see i am stuck. on one hand i want to be completely supportive of the asexual community because i want to say it's genetic like the rest of us. on the other hand i want to say...oh heck, i guess some peolpe just are not wired for sex! :2cents: :bigrin: :tong:

[DarkwaterUK]

Being the lazy sod that I am I thought I'd not thing to hard about this subject this early in the morning, so I checked out the definition of 'Asexual' and found lots and lots of them, most concerning the none union of gametes!!!! I think the wikipedia definition provides a more understandable definition for the context of this conversation:
Asexuality is a designation or self-designation for people who lack feelings of sexual attraction and/or sexual desire. There is debate as to whether this is a sexual dysfunction or an actual sexual orientation; furthermore, there is disagreement over the exact definition of the word. The term is also sometimes used as a gender identity by those who believe their lack of sexual attraction places them outside the standard definitions of gender. There has been little research done on asexuality, but those studies that have been conducted suggest that, if it is a sexual orientation, it is among the least common.
It makes sense to me.
Doug and loving it here :)

[smokey]

Asexuality like virginity can be cured. Somebody once said that celibicy was the only true human sexual perversion...I don't know about that, I think brutality is. Be that may asexuality, virginity and celibicy are the waste of some perfectly good genitals.

[Driver 8]

I'm not an expert on asexuality, but, in what I've seen about it, I'm struck by some of the arguments people make against it:

"It's not true about me, so it's not true about them either ... nobody's really asexual."
"It's normal for people to turn out to be sexual beings, so asexuals are abnormal. Something must have gone wrong with these people."
"Maybe they had a bad experience."
"Maybe they haven't met the right person."
"They could fix it if they tried hard enough."

And these objections sound a lot like what gets leveled at gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. (I think you'd have to tinker a bit more to get them to fit transgender people, but it's still possible.) They're also similar to things childless couples are told.

For me the question is this: there certainly are asexual people, and if there's unhappiness in their life, is it because society is treating them wrongly, or because they have other problems (and fixing those problems would involve making them sexual)? If they're happy, and they're not causing any harm, why is some people's first reaction to insist they become like everyone else?

[bigregory]

Ok i did watch the 20/20 show.
The asexual girl and guy are now sleeping together
I can not get the a thing
Do you not get horny?
Must bite to be asexual.

[Crazylamb1]

Okay, I see it's been a few days, but I figured I'd post anyway...

The person I consider to be my best friend (my cousin) is actually asexual. The thing is, he is perfectly happy. He says he's glad to be asexual and not have to deal with the hassles people in sexual relationships deal with. He does not masturbate. He has no desire for any romantic relationship either. He is the most extreme version of asex there is.

However, do not think of him as a social hermit...in fact, he has many close friends who he has developed a great relationship with...he's not too keen on physical contact but occasionally we hug and such. He's perfectly happy like this and doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything. So, why should anyone think he is/should be a sexual being? No reason.

If anyone has any questions, I'd be happy to answer.

PS. Even I could be in a relationship with an asexual person who desires a romantic relationship (no sex) because that aspect of a relationship isn't the most important to me. I could easily do without it. Although I slightly prefer a relationship with sex.

[Mimi]

The person I consider to be my best friend (my cousin) is actually asexual. The thing is, he is perfectly happy. He says he's glad to be asexual and not have to deal with the hassles people in sexual relationships deal with. He does not masturbate. He has no desire for any romantic relationship either. He is the most extreme version of asex there is.

thanx for sharing about your cousin. like i said originally, i think that "sometimes that is a genetic thing, but sometimes it's also a result of other emotional difficulties." so sometimes people are just born with nil/close to nil desire for sex, and it's not because they have a "hang-up." although it's statistically in the minority, i don't see anything necessarily wrong with asexuality -- in some ways i think maybe that's a way of population control. just like i think with infertile or same-sex couples adopting orphans -- it might be one way of managing our numbers. but now i'm :offtopic:. :tong:

mimi :flag1:

[anda692]

Just maybe Asexuals are here to balance off us Bisexuals. Think of it. No sexual feelings for either sex is an equal and exact opposite to sexual feelings for all sexes. Sounds good to me. Lynn

[Sparks]

I hope you've used this sentence in your dissertation (at some point), Mimi. Asexual, bisexual, homosexual, lezbian, black, white, rich, poor. The boundries are endless, my friend. Whatever issue it may be, "it's the people close to them. . . " Well said, Mimi.

Fred


it's the people close to them that have the issue with it (e.g., spouses, partners, etc.). but that's as far as my clinical knowledge goes! :nrrdgrrl:

mimi :flag1:

[Mimi]

I hope you've used this sentence in your dissertation (at some point), Mimi. Asexual, bisexual, homosexual, lezbian, black, white, rich, poor. The boundries are endless, my friend. Whatever issue it may be, "it's the people close to them. . . "

boy, have i! i think my whole dissertation is about it -- all 180 pages!!!!!! :bigrin:

mimi :flag1:

[smokey]

I would rather NOT have asexual thoughts r celibate ones for that matter period.

[Sparky]

Along with Crazy Lamb, I too have a very close friend who is asexual. From our discussions, I think he tried to have an interest in sex, but it just didn't do anything for him. While his personality is somewhat quirky, he has a broad array of friends and is very outgoing, but does not like to touch. And he can be surprisingly assertive. We can't even stand at the urinal together - he takes the stall. Is it hangup-based? Dunno. The discussion just doesn't go anywhere. But I do know that his mother had amazing control over him (even from 600 miles away) until she died. My personal feeling is that a lot of it is his quirky personality keeping relationships at arms length combined with a low, low sex drive. I just accept him and move on.

Sparky

[riddel]

actually . . i have meet a person who is asexual and he is pretty quiet but he is no less of a person maby even more . . he actually has a very good personality.

[serenity]

Wow you guys! Thank you all so much for your posts!! :bigrin: I was hoping this topic would really create some conversation and I must say the dialog is fantastic! Thank you all for your insights :wiggle2:

[Spicy]

your thoughts on Asexuals is very interesting. when a person is asexual the person himself or herself may not suffer but the people that surround him/her have a terrible time. i have a close friend who confided to me that his wife is asexual, they seldom have any sexual relations and when they do, it is no pleasure at all. he had seperated from his wife and lived in the US but had to return for the sake of his small children who missed him terribly. he asks me for advice but i am at a loss of words. any advice from you all my friends??
i also know of another case where the person concerned today is 96 years old, his son who is 70 years old told me that he lost his wife when he was 45 years old, this was a big shock for him and till today he has never remarried or had any type of sexual relations or for that matter even worked. he lost interest in everything completely.

Spicy

[Mimi]

i have a close friend who confided to me that his wife is asexual, they seldom have any sexual relations and when they do, it is no pleasure at all. he had seperated from his wife and lived in the US but had to return for the sake of his small children who missed him terribly. he asks me for advice but i am at a loss of words. any advice from you all my friends??

well, it really depends if his wife was at some point interested in sex and then lost her desire, or if she was born that way. "asexuality" is a genetic thing. otherwise, it's called a "sexual dysfunction" that could be treated with therapy and possibly medication. but maybe she is just not interested in him -- and if that's the case, then they need couples counseling or it's better off that they split up.


i also know of another case where the person concerned today is 96 years old, his son who is 70 years old told me that he lost his wife when he was 45 years old, this was a big shock for him and till today he has never remarried or had any type of sexual relations or for that matter even worked. he lost interest in everything completely.

well, it sounds like the 96 y/o man is not only not having any sex, but he is overall depressed if he's "lost interest in everything." i would recommend counseling if he is interested in improving his life, but at this age he might not be interested. some people who are widowed, however, remain celibate afterwards because they are still "loyal" to their deceased spouse.

hope this helps.

mimi :flag1: