It's Done! At last!

[innaminka]

Relief - possible despair, yet more relief.
Amidst the quiet tears, there is a new freedom for me. A weight has been removed from me.
Last night - Sunday, was a very big night. Emotionally for my family, but especially for myself.

Two things happened.

I am now a separated woman. My husband of 20 years and myself have decided that neither of us is getting anything from our marriage and that with the girls being the ages they are 16 and nearly 19, there was no need to remain together "for the kids."
We have had plenty of practice living apart - Dean has worked in West Australia for 9 months of the year for the past 6 years. the girls and I have always lived in Melbourne. He has been in the Pilbarra since March: he's still there.
Our separation, (trial at this stage ....but!!!) was handled long distance over the phone during the last few weeks. It wasn't a sudden decision. He will live in Perth from now on.
Its amazing: I feel a little teary, a little lost, but its what I have wanted for the last few years.
I've loved Dean, but slowly its faded to affection - and less> Now, virtually nothing.

I told the girls yesterday (Sunday) - they were not really surprised: girls of that age can pick up "vibes" very easily and the "vibes" for so long have not been those of a couple in love.
They cried - of course they did, but after the tears, we had a long discussion - very long, about how relationships can fade and in fact become festering sores that affect everyone. Sometimes its better for all concerned to face reality. Our marriage had "run out of gas."
As it turns out, most of their friends have divorced parents, we're just "joining the crew!!"
The only real concern and it came from both of them was were we separating because one of us had found another love?
That was strongly answered in the negative - they were relieved

The second and - for me - harder thing was I finally came out to them that I am bisexual and have been for most of my adult life.
I answered all of their questions honestly. (Except a couple that bordered on specifics)
I told them their father had know for most of their lives, that yes, I had had sex with women and no it was not catching or genetic.
And yes, my bisexuality was certainly a factor in the strains upon our marriage
I was quite stunned by their reaction - initally angry that I had not trusted them earlier, but then, simple acceptance. Again, they both have gay friends/acquaintences - its not a peculiar thing these days.
As it turned out they had a sneaky suspicion there was something about me: Some years ago, the only time, I allowed a female "friend" to stay overnight. My older daughter saw us asleep together in a rumpled bed. 2+2 always = 4!!!

Amazingly, I slept dreamlessly. I have been having nightmares (figuratively) about this day when I would come out to them, and it was so easy. I had envisioned tears and screams followed by my needing a triple Scotch!
My older daughter went to work and Jess, the 16 year old hit the Facebook. (I'm sure all her friends know by now!!!!) I sat outside, alone till 10 deep in thought! I know my future lies with my overwhelming need to be in a relationship with another (as yet unknown!!) woman. I did not tell the girls that! Not yet anyway!

Today I tell my sisters and my Mum that Dean and I have separated. (My sisters know I'm Bi, Mum doesn't need to know!!)
He's a lovely man, he'll support my daughets (and me) in every way. I'm sure we'll remain cordial if not amicable: at least for a while!
(Intersting, naughty little thought just then popped into my head. I'll never have to taste semen again!!! ..... Bad girl Inna!!!)

I feel light, i feel fine. I need no sympathy, tho I'm sure my sisters will wail a bit - till the champers kicks in.

Wish me luck.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I know its hard Honey, but we must do what we need to do to survive and keep peace of mind. Just be true to you, and to those girls. Ya'll deserve it. :}
Big Hugs
Cat.

[M. Wolfe]

I feel light, i feel fine.

You do? Really?

When I came out to my friends it was days before I felt fine or light again. I had kept it a secret for 6 years and it haunted me nearly everyday I was with my friends. I thought that I would be shamed and scorned for wanting to be with other boys. It was my biggest secret, and I'm bad at keeping secrets. Every time I was with them, especially a particular few, I could feel it welling up inside me. I went through puberty with it, my personality developed with it so when it was out, I felt like something was missing. My relationships with my friends - no matter how accepting or open minded they could be - had forever changed.

I was miserable for days before relief came to me.

[darkeyes]

Gud luk hun an may life now b wotya won it 2 b.. happy n wondaful..:)

[rissababynta]

Does this mean that you are Lesbian now?

Why are you going to keep your sexuality a secret from your parents?
If you settle down with a woman like you said you want to they will find out.

I didn't see anywhere in her post saying she wanted to commit only to women...she simply said she has a desire to have a relationship with a woman...doesn't mean that her desire for men is over.

My mom knows that I am bi but I have not told her about any of my encounters so no, no one really does have to find out anything if that is the way she wants it to be.

On another note...I'm glad that you feel the relief that you do and hopefully that good feeling you have will continue to grow. Good luck with everything and ... finally .... breathe....lol.

[Intimate_Light]

innaminka,

I'll sidestep my penchant to pontificate and simply say... CONGRATULATIONS! And a cliché but true quotation came to mind, too: "And the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

To which one can add the following one as commentary relating to you: "Yeah, baby. That's groovy, baby!" ~ Austin Powers

Now, one last tiny thing:

Being someone in a male biosuit, I could take offense at your statement reflecting distaste and relief at never needing to taste semen again. That said, I never found it that great myself, incl. my own - lol.

As to whether this statement reflects a turning away from getting intimate with a man again, well, that's your business. And besides, things go in cycles too.

Whatever the case: Blossom, baby, blossom -- and glow on :)

[codybear3]

I wish you the best of happiness in the coming days... It looks like things went well with your seperation and the discussion with your children... You'd be surprised how much more they really know when you've told them very little... You relationship with your husband will be remembered with a tug of the heart even though you say there is virtually no "feelings"... I am, no expert about relationships, but having been involved here and there I do know how good (and extremely ugly) some relationships can end... Once again, I wish you all the best and happiness... :paw::paw:

[Georgie_Girl]

Congratulations and good luck :)

[Lonewolf76]

I have numerous friends, who sadly - when they separated and divorced turned on the venom and hatred. The number of friends that have acted as adults and remained amicable with their ex's I can, sadly count on one hand.

You should be proud of yourself and of Dean.. you handled it like adults and that will make the coming days and months and the divorce that much easier for your two daughters.

I divorced my exwife 9 years ago. We remained amicable and I even stayed with her and my daughtes for a short time when I moved back to Colorado and was getting on my feet. Our daughters are 23 and 21 and they have told us both how much easier it was with Mom & Dad still being friends.

As for your coming out to your girls... isn't it awesome?! I came out to my daughters a year ago and my oldest admitted to me that she was bisexual as well!! My youngest is straight but is totally supportive and only wants Dad to be happy. Kids are awesome!

Enjoy your new found freedom and enjoy and nurture your open sexuality. You go girl!!!! Hugs and blessings! Wolfie.

[meteast chick]

Good luck hun! Hey just because I divorced my husband and became a lesbian doesn't mean that you will!!!

I wish you nothing but the best in life and love dear!!!

luv and kisses,
xoxoxoxoxoxo
meteast

[Merlin]

Congratulations and thanks as well. Congratulations on your new found freedom and having the intestinal fortitude to a) make that really tough decision to finally end that which no longer works and to follow through with it. Perhaps one of the hardest things in life. and b) to go that extra mile and open up to your girls. Again one of those really tough life decisions. I am very proud of you. I'm also very happy for you that you and Dean have been able to remain at least distant friends.
And thank you for being so open and honest with us and sharing a very personal part of your life here. I wish you the very best of luck and may the light of happiness forever shine on your heart.

[innaminka]

two replies
1) Today i feel like shit!. The lightness has gone. i feel sad, I feel divorced from myself.
- and the lightness was about my separation, there was no lightness about my coming out.

2) In answer - yes I probably will tend towards a lesbian lifestyle. I hate labels - put it that I can't ever see another man in my life.
There may in fact never be anyone else.
Who knows.

Thanks for the kind thoughts. The flush of lightness has receeded and I need a bit of a hand-up.

[M. Wolfe]

two replies
1) Today i feel like shit!. The lightness has gone. i feel sad, I feel divorced from myself.
- and the lightness was about my separation, there was no lightness about my coming out.

Ahh, I see. Yes I had a similar experience. Give it a few days, a week maybe. You'll start to feel comfortable in your skin again - and others will feel comfortable about a little later.

This is how it goes...

[onewhocares]

Hi Sweetie,

First CONGRATULATIONS!. I know just how difficult this has been for you in the last year. Not only having to deal with the struggles with Dean and your marriage, but most concerned about how your daughters would react to both the break up as well as your coming out. Fear of their reaction can be frightening and cause you deep concern as it should. But I think it was only you who could decide when the right time was and their reaction is a testament to your love of them.

I would not worry about what the future will hold for you..now is the time to grow and explore.

Belle

[codybear3]

As I said, love, I wish you the best of happiness because now its the day after... In time, you will know which way to turn and start taking new steps towards where you wish to be... And never mind what "labels" are floating around because in the end, label or not, you will be who you will be... :paw::paw:

[Realist]

I'm divorced from a lady I once loved. It took some time before I felt better...felt like there had been a death...the death of something I'd known and had been comfortable with, at one time. The sadness waned, heartaches healed, new prospects revealed themselves...a new love appeared on the scene. Happiness replaced the depression and I'm now glad it's over and we've both moved on. A new dawn and it's good!

I trust time will do the same for you, sweet lady, and now you can be who you've longed to be.

[Gemini25]

I wish you the best in whatever you do. I offer you a hand up, along with a nice stiff drink to calm your nerves. I know how it is to be with someone for such a long time and have it all change. Best of Luck, and I know in time everything will work out for you.
Michael

[curious44]

Things could always be worse. Look at it on the bright side, you are having what appears to be an amicable parting and your kids are apparently handling it as well as can be expected.
Not so for a very good friend. One morning last fall he was getting ready to go to work about 5AM. His wife of over 20 years said she wasn't feeling well. When she complained of pain in her left arm he called 911. She walked to the ambulance for the five minute ride to the hospital and was dead before they got there. He was back home by 7AM telling their three daughters, "Mom didn't make it". She was 47 years old with no previous medical problems or a family history of heart disease. Llike I said, things could always be worse.

[PolyLoveTriad]

I didn't see anywhere in her post saying she wanted to commit only to women...she simply said she has a desire to have a relationship with a woman...doesn't mean that her desire for men is over.

My mom knows that I am bi but I have not told her about any of my encounters so no, no one really does have to find out anything if that is the way she wants it to be.

On another note...I'm glad that you feel the relief that you do and hopefully that good feeling you have will continue to grow. Good luck with everything and ... finally .... breathe....lol.

She did say she never had to taste semen again, with the desire to have a relationship with a woman, I kind of took it as she wanted to go lesbian also...

But here nor there, I completely understand the emotions she is feeling. I also understand her mother not needing to know. I dont discuss my sex life with my husband with my parents and I certainly am not out to my family about my sexuality because they simply dont need to know what I do in bed either. They simply dont need to know, my parents are older, both in their late 60's and late 70's they simply wouldnt understand why because they were brought up in a different day and age. My husbands children dont know either, simply put, none of their business. Our friends, the only ones who know are our closest ones who we knew would be understanding. Its each persons individual choice to tell whoever they want or dont want and that should not be nitpicked by a troll.

Yes, I said troll. Mean hateful spiteful little nasty troll "certain" people are.

Im very happy that you found relief in your separation. This is a new beginning for you and I wish you all the luck in the world!

[PolyLoveTriad]

Rissa... its not you Im calling a troll hon! I just wanted to clarify that :) I love you Rissa!

[PolyLoveTriad]

innaminka,

"And the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin



What a beautiful qoute :)

[Realist]

I also had a thought that your husband is now free to explore his options, too! I wish the best for you both.

[rissababynta]

Rissa... its not you Im calling a troll hon! I just wanted to clarify that :) I love you Rissa!

I didn't think so lol. I love you too!
Why must you be so far away lmao.

[alegrias]

two replies
1) Today i feel like shit!. The lightness has gone. i feel sad, I feel divorced from myself.
- and the lightness was about my separation, there was no lightness about my coming out.

2) In answer - yes I probably will tend towards a lesbian lifestyle. I hate labels - put it that I can't ever see another man in my life.
There may in fact never be anyone else.
Who knows.

Thanks for the kind thoughts. The flush of lightness has receeded and I need a bit of a hand-up.

Never say never. It's good that you don't want to rush into another relationship, but you really don't know what the future holds. Just take it a day at a time.