just need to vent

[james1715]

I have been with my girlfriend for more than 1 year now. I kind of feel all along that I have not really been into it. Lately though, I feel it for sure. I don't feel passion when we have sex and sometimes it feels awkward to kiss her like i'm not being sincere about it. I know she is 110% in love with me but I don't feel like I am. She talks about having kids someday and living with me, I'm 21. I just feel like I am going through the motions right now. Occasionally there will be a burst of romance or passion but a majority of the time its not like that. I went out one night with another girl who is kind of known for being a slut, I didn't do anything with her but I had a huge erection for a good bit of the time I was with her. Obviously, this made me feel even worse when I came home to my girlfriend.

I guess I'm scared to let her go because she has been sooooo strong for me on several occasions where I wouldn't have made it without someone there for help. I don't know how to tell her I can't be with her anymore.

She often tries to initiate sex with me and many times I am just not feeling into it and I hate that. I just feel like there is nothing left from my side of the relationship, like I have nothing to give her anymore.

I have thought my lack of interest in sex with her may have something to do with some kind of bisexual concerns on my part. I can surely say I am not gay but there is doubt in my mind as to whether I am completely straight either. I find, on occasion, that gay pornography can be very arousing. I wonder though if I actually find it arousing because of my participation in some fantasy or if the taboo quality of the porn gets me excited...you know, like because it is "wrong" or "dirty" or "scandalous." I definitely like straight porn as well, which is why this is so confusing.

Altogether, this has been a stressful day and I hate no knowing what my feelings or desires are. :confused::(

[Azrael]

I can relate. My ex fiancee had the next 20 years of our lives planned. She cheated on me, that fell to peices, but that's not the point. I realized after a while that I was jumping from woman to woman and never giving myself any time to heal or look inward , because I was doing 'the safe thing'.
I gotta go, my buddy just called me (as I type this) and told me to come over.
There's a lot more to what I want to tell you here. If you're interested, I feel I have some insight on the matter I can share with you. IF.

Feel free to shoot me an email or PM.

Karmically yours,
-Tom

[james1715]

love to hear it here when you get back.

[parkwings]

Seems to me that you're answering your own questions in your post.

From an outsiders point of view, I would say that you are not into this relationship enough to seriously think about commiting yet, not to mention that you've still got to resolve your sexuality questions about yourself.

RELAX, TAKE YOUR TIME, you are still young-don't rush into any hasty decisions.

One thing to ponder is: maybe you should let your partner go, as it would not be fair to string her along indefinitely while you figure yourself out.

Welcome to adulthood!...yes, it does suck sometimes!! ;)

[Herbwoman39]

It may not seem like it, but at 21 you're still very young. Probably too young to be considering spending the next 60+ years with just one person. Sexuality aside, I think that on some level you may be coming to the realization that, while she's a wonderful girl, it's just too early in your life to be considering a permanent commitment.

I married my first husband at 21 and it was a total disaster. We had two sons and a divorce. So if you're feeling hesitant about commiting to a longer-term relationship, then it's probably time to sit her down and tell her how you feel.

Good luck.

[shameless agitator]

Just to throw in my penny(not sure it's worth two) staying with her from a sense of obligation because of the times she's been there for you is just a disaster waiting to happen. It's not fair to iether of you. If you're really not feeling it, the kindest thing you can do is end it sooner rather than later. A little white lie that could help would be to tell her it's because of the confusion about your sexuality. That pretty much automatically makes it not her fault and saves her all the questions about what she could have done differently

[DiamondDog]

Break up and enjoy being single, and having time for reflection and learning more about yourself.

That's what I'd do.

Don't use the excuse about your sexuality to break up with her.

Just say how things aren't working out between both of you, and that you need to take an indefinite break from each other, and that you love her but you're not in love with her.

Breaking up with someone is never easy for ANYONE to do and someone always gets hurt.

[dafydd]

I went out one night with another girl who is kind of known for being a slut, I didn't do anything with her but I had a huge erection for a good bit of the time I was with her. Obviously, this made me feel even worse when I came home to my girlfriend.

I wonder though if I actually find it arousing because of my participation in some fantasy or if the taboo quality of the porn gets me excited...you know, like because it is "wrong" or "dirty" or "scandalous." I definitely like straight porn as well, which is why this is so confusing.

Altogether, this has been a stressful day and I hate no knowing what my feelings or desires are. :confused::(

I get erections on the morning bus. don't worry about something you can't control.

I too am really into straight porn. It is possible to be gay and get off on straight porn. For someone like me who is predominantly gay, I like seeing guys having sex with women. Liking straight porn doesn't rule you out from being more gay than you'd care to think.
I can't really order my desires or feelings. They are in a constant state of flux. This is not very helpful, but you are not alone.

D

[darkeyes]

Me dad vents a lot.. e calls it a fart.. dirty ole sod!!:bigrin:

[*pan*]

well this is my :2cents:, like it's been mentioned that you are young, do not make hasty decissions that you might regret later, take your time and feel your way, one possible thing is to express your feelings with your friend, my feeling on the matter is she should accept your problems along with you, and if she truly cares she will try to understand, if she dosent she will dump you, so end of problem about deciding what to do with her. bisexuality to me at least is normal first starting out as curiousity then to experimenting, then to possible relationships, some experiment then stop finding it's not for them some like my self accept what they are and never go back. i never let other people or society dictate my sexuality. it's my own personal pleasure and none of their bussiness. as long as i harm none in any way shape or form my concience is clear and free. i get excited by gay, bisexual and straight porn of all kinds. so don't know what that labels me as, i just enjoy sex. this is your life, you only live it one time and it is yours alone to enjoy so take it from there,

[james1715]

I'd like to add some bits. The other night i told her, as I have before, that I thought I might be bi. But this time I believed it and didn't really have much guilt. Kind of like I think this is who I am and I want you to know. She then told me that she has sexual interests in women on occasion.

I like to say that right now I am more advanced with self-understanding than I have been ever before. I'm trying very hard to eliminate any kind of guilt that tries to creep in.

I have never been with a guy and considering my young age I have only thought about that concept for the past few years. I don't really know what to think about that. I just try to keep an open mind about it and I hope I can do my best to not "have a box" where I set up walls and restrictions that I make myself adhere to. Living like that isn't living, and I told her the other night that I will not do that anymore, no more box, its out of the box now.

I have dreams sometimes when I am with a guy, usually someone close to me that I know, a friend. Sometimes I have dreams about a girl. Hard to use Freud to help me with that one.:rolleyes:

I feel like people try and build a structure inside of them that they can then fall back on, like a known identity, like this is who I am and if someone tries to infringe on my identity I can fall back to it and know that that is who I am. I think in this society today that much of this structure is missing or nonexistant. People who are care-free and happy all of the time tend to have strong infrastructures. I find that I sometimes do and sometimes don't.


As per my original post, I run back to her time after time because none of what I wrote seems to matter to her. She loves me unconditionally and I think I do as well. Sometimes we have ok sex, bad sex, and sometimes its amazing and really hot. I imagine that department is normal. Not that I am considering it now but if there were someone to raise my children I think I would want it to be her.


I dont want to read my original post again and I think this new post highlights a different state of mind than with that date. I guess what I am saying is that I have a side to me that is not understood or explored. I do not know what to do about this and I am not incredibly eager to find out either, not because I dont want it but the desire is not usually there.

No marriage soon anyway:tong:


Porn I think is a funny thing, depends on that day and the mood I think sometimes things get me and other they dont. Im sure this wouldnt be a wise determinant of much....why not enjoy all flavors?

[Azrael]

I have been with my girlfriend for more than 1 year now. I kind of feel all along that I have not really been into it. Lately though, I feel it for sure. I don't feel passion when we have sex and sometimes it feels awkward to kiss her like i'm not being sincere about it. I know she is 110% in love with me but I don't feel like I am. She talks about having kids someday and living with me, I'm 21. I just feel like I am going through the motions right now.
I have been there and done that. Got the scars to prove it. That's kinda how it went down with both my ex girlfriends. The first one I was mad crazy in love with. Everything started going to hell after we engaged. She had like the next 20 years planned. She wanted to have my kids, crazy or not. This messed with my head a lot. I was at the point back then (still pretty much am) where I was still a kid myself. It's so easy to lie to yourself when you're in love. I eventually broke us up cause she was unfaithful.
The next girl, however, I wasn't in love with. She thought she was, I considered it more codependent obsession. When I was with her I couldn't deny how much I wanted to be with a guy. She was also insanely jealous, of my friends, who I'm not sexually attracted to (well, most of 'em :bigrin:).
You might think of taking a small vacation, alone. Get some space, turn off the cell phone, and have a day or two or however much YOU need of thought, reflection, and analysis of where you're at. It helps, I speak from experience. If this shit is fucking with you that bad, perhaps you need to be single for a while. Either way, you don't sound all that happy about this.


Occasionally there will be a burst of romance or passion but a majority of the time its not like that. I went out one night with another girl who is kind of known for being a slut, I didn't do anything with her but I had a huge erection for a good bit of the time I was with her. Obviously, this made me feel even worse when I came home to my girlfriend.
It's one thing to look, everyone does that, but it sounds to me you need something you're not getting.



I guess I'm scared to let her go because she has been sooooo strong for me on several occasions where I wouldn't have made it without someone there for help. I don't know how to tell her I can't be with her anymore.

She often tries to initiate sex with me and many times I am just not feeling into it and I hate that. I just feel like there is nothing left from my side of the relationship, like I have nothing to give her anymore.
I know what you mean. My ex fiancee became really self involved when I was losing my mind with manic psychosis. She was so supportive in the past, but it just became too intense for her to deal with. Letting her go still kills me to this day, but I couldn't trust her anymore. This one's a motherfucker, no doubt.
As for the initiation of sex, that's how I got with the most recent girl (I was also on an anticonvulsant that fucked up my game a bit). If you feel like you have nothing left, you're probably right. I hate to sound callous, but you can't do it just for them. You gotta worry first about what it's doing to you. It'll probably be ugly, but if it isn't there anymore (or never was, dragging it out will only make it worse. I'm not telling you to do one thing or another. To solve this one you need to look inward.



I have thought my lack of interest in sex with her may have something to do with some kind of bisexual concerns on my part. I can surely say I am not gay but there is doubt in my mind as to whether I am completely straight either. I find, on occasion, that gay pornography can be very arousing. I wonder though if I actually find it arousing because of my participation in some fantasy or if the taboo quality of the porn gets me excited...you know, like because it is "wrong" or "dirty" or "scandalous." I definitely like straight porn as well, which is why this is so confusing.
When I was with the fiancee I explored the fuck out of myself sexually in the midst of ultradian rapid cycling. Role reversal, S/M, crossdressing and other things I enjoyed. I guess social conditioning could have something to do with you enjoying the verboten fruit aspect. I always found being with other men felt natural and right to me, but I'm not everyone. The fluid nature of my sex drive used to confuse the bejesus out of me, make me feel like I'll never settle down with one person, never be satisfied in a single committed relationship, always have my family being like, "when are you gonna meet a nice girl and make us more offspring?". Fuck that. Gotta live for YOU.



Altogether, this has been a stressful day and I hate no knowing what my feelings or desires are. :confused::(
I know it sounds ridiculous, but ya gotta keep loving yourself inspite of all of this. Having a sort of peaceful spiritual space helps as well. Noone can ever take that from you, if it really means something to you.
I'm stressed out too. My Dad got a positive prostate biopsy, I'm going to the airport tomorrow (hate doing this), I got fired without warning because I wasn't sufficiently kissing my KM's ass (yes, the one who called me a fag), and the world keeps on turning.

I leave you with a thought from A.F.I.-
'THROUGH OUR BLEEDING, WE ARE ONE!'

-Karmically yours,
Tom

[james1715]

Thanks for the words azrael. Ugh though, wish it were easier.

I think maybe I will opt for some space and let things come back to equilibrium where I am thinking straight. I got in a fight with her tonight and I dont want to do anything now. Well I do but it wouldnt be pretty. :mad:

I hate the thought of being alone, which I am sure I will be for a while, but there is always the hope that the cute girl in class could end up being a friend and then once she is a friend well then things go from there. I feel kind of oppressed right now, she is a sweat beautiful girl but I just don't feel for her the way I have felt about other girls in the past. Damn.

I have friends and beer, tomorrow is a new day. :cool:


As a side note, and this may be some crap society gave to me subconsciously, but how come the image of two girls or two guys is never portrayed similar to a girl and a guy. I mean a couple is a couple is a couple. If a person loves someone else and that person loves them then what is the problem? But it seems like what I see and in porn or any input I get just portrays lesbians and gay people as cold...I just don't feel the love. Like why is it that when I think of gay sex I think of some shady ordeal in a bathroom or something and not two people who love or like eachother just enjoying one another. I think love is a turn on. But is that really how it is?

[naive]

As a side note, and this may be some crap society gave to me subconsciously, but how come the image of two girls or two guys is never portrayed similar to a girl and a guy. I mean a couple is a couple is a couple. If a person loves someone else and that person loves them then what is the problem? But it seems like what I see and in porn or any input I get just portrays lesbians and gay people as cold...I just don't feel the love. Like why is it that when I think of gay sex I think of some shady ordeal in a bathroom or something and not two people who love or like eachother just enjoying one another. I think love is a turn on. But is that really how it is?

me being an expert on porn :bigrin: i've seen plenty of cold boring straight porn. i've only recently gotten into gay porn but some of the stuff i've seen has been the most passionate i have ever seen before. both sides have both good and bad quality. u just gotta look harder ;)

[LWynn4]

fires goout in a relationship it happens. but do you htink it has something to do with you ust getting the same old same old, how often do you guys change positions if you dont mind me asking?