Two Attractions

[Toad82]

All of my life I have been mostly attracted to women, but when I fell in love for the first time it was to a man. I have come to accept that sexually I prefer women, but emotionally I prefer and will need a man. I was just wondering if anyone else has differing attractions and if so, how common it is. Thanks,


RJ:lokai:

[LoveLion]

I used to feel quite similar, but in reverse. I felt more attracted sexually to males, but found myself thinking I would need the emotional love of a female. From me this has changed in the last year. While my sexual preference still stays the same (mostly male), I find that my romantic/emotional need has shifted to a more equal level, probably more to the male side. Right now I cant really imagine myself being able to be content and stable in a relationship with a female, but these things tend to change.

I think its very common amongst Bisexuals (and even hetro and homosexuals, although maybe in much less extreme levels) to have a separate preference when it comes to sexual love and romantic love. Iv read around here many times people talking about how they could never be in a relationship or love a man, but damn, do they ever find them sexual attractive. I guess the way I picture it in my head is that everyone has four slide meters in their brain ranging from "not attracted at all" to "could be more attracted": 2 for female, 2 for male. Within each gender one slide meer is for romantic love (ie emotional support, feeling connected, just wanting to be close to some one) and one meter is for sexual lust (ie sexual desire, lust, arousal). Each and every person's slide meters are in different positions depending on their preference, theres no rhyme or reason or pattern to them, they just are how they are. Also I imaging these sliders to be more of a gradual gradient form "no attraction" to "all attraction" rather than set notches or numbers (as things like the Kinsly scale would suggest). Because of this gay, bi and straight are not really set things, there just labels we try and put on these scales, but no one can really say where one begins and the other ends.

Anyways, thats just the abstract image I use to understand my own sexuality and sexuality in general. Not sure if I answered your question, but hopefully theres something interesting there :tong:

[DiamondDog]

I've written about this topic here, and on other posts on this board.

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?p=72512#post72512

[Toad82]

LoveLion, that was exactly the type of answer I am looking for. Thank you.

DiamondDog, from reading a lot of your posts over the months I have always thought of you more sexually and emotionally leaning towards men. Am I wrong? Also, although I have never talked to you before, for what it is worth, your posts have seemed to helped me the most. For the most part I came from a liberal family were no one talked about sex. Your posts have made me not be so uptight about it. So thanks for that.

As for others, any other comments.


RJ:lokai:

[biwords]

Up until fairly recently I assumed that I could only fall in love with a woman. I no longer believe that's true -- nothing tangible has happened to change my mind, it's just an internal shift that reflects part of my ongoing growth. And no, I'm quite confident that I'm not 'transitioning' from bi to gay. It has more to do with inhibitions fdropping away so that it becomes possible to see what was probably always there.

[onewhocares]

Well, like Biwords, I think you can change. It may not be one specific incident or person, but a self induced realization that it matters not the sex of the person you love, but rather the soul that that body might have. I know that has happened to me. For me, this realization came too late....well sort of. I had the pleasure to be involved with a most wonderful woman, a woman whom I had just gotten to know by shear accident. I had never ever really had inkling to be with another woman but tried it. Well I realized too late that this was not (sexually speaking) for me. But being who I am I did not want to hurt her....so I said nothing....which in the end hurt even more. For that I shall always feel regret. (Beautiful one, I am SO sorry).

Flash forward about eight or ten months. I had been friends with a great man for about a year and a half. Even though he was in California and I in Boston, we seemed to have made it work. Then one night he tells me that he wants to be a woman. Well needless to say I was in shock, but then after a bit, I was honored that I was the only person in the world whom he told. It told me that our relationship had superceeded the physical and was so much more. So I made it my business to learn everything that I could about transgendered people. In the end, I helped him see what he would look like as a woman. Through this exploration, our sexual relationship ceased to be that of a traditional nature. I guess it took me by surprise when I realized that I love this “soul” and I did not really care what body it inhabited. It was also at this moment that I realized how much I had hurt that fine lady. I am a schmuck. Wish I could take back the hurt I caused her. But I take heart, I introduced her to a wonderful person and they have a great relationship…..I was just the warm up act…the main event is giving her the love she so deserves.
So, I guess in closing I can say….anything is possible. All you have to do is open your eyes, and most importantly for me…open your heart and you will reap the benefits of the things that you sow.


Sorry for the ramble...

Belle

[kitten]

Dearest Belle,

That is why I love you so, and I have never met you except through these posts. You warm our hearts in so many ways! Muah!

I am also one that has come to love the soul rather than the gender of a person. I have found so much more fulfillment in my friendships, my lovers and my family by letting go and allowing myself feel and relate what actually comes about - not what I am supposed to feel by whatever norm or standard I was taught.


Best wishes Toad with finding your true love,

[MarieDelta]

Dear Belle,

You aren't a schmuck (even though I really have no clear definition of that word). You are a wonderful, warm, and sweet person. You are yourself, please don't beat yourself up for mistakes that you have made in the past, hon. Ok?

http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z84/mariesophia66/hug.gif

Marie

[onewhocares]

Thank you Kitten and Marie. I guess I view what happened to me as a learning experiance and want others to share and not make the same mistakes I did. I have learned so much from all of you wonderful people here and feel honored to be able to be amoung you. Like you Kitten I now see people as a soul and a heart and not a certain body. Love you both.

Belle

[DiamondDog]

LoveLion, that was exactly the type of answer I am looking for. Thank you.

DiamondDog, from reading a lot of your posts over the months I have always thought of you more sexually and emotionally leaning towards men. Am I wrong? Also, although I have never talked to you before, for what it is worth, your posts have seemed to helped me the most. For the most part I came from a liberal family were no one talked about sex. Your posts have made me not be so uptight about it. So thanks for that.

As for others, any other comments.


RJ:lokai:

You're welcome RJ.

yes I probably am more into men when it comes to sexual attraction/romance.

I don't obsess or focus on it or try to figure it all out since it's pointless, a big waste of energy/time, and even if I did know it all EXACTLY what good would it do?

I know people who can somehow say that they're a certain ratio/percent into men/women/both, where they're on the Kinsey scale/Klein grid and I have absolutley no idea how they figure this out as I can't and even if I could somehow figure it all out I wouldn't want to know since it'd be pointless compartmentalization.

I'll either be mostly into a man/men to the point where I don't want sex with women at all. Or else I'll want purely uninhibited bisexual sex with a man and a woman at the same time.

When I was younger I was more attracted to women. A lot more than I am now; but I was closeted and I didn't even really know all about my sexuality then like I do now.

Right now and for the past few years, the idea of het sex with just me and a woman, or watching porn and imagining I'm in the man's place just bores me and I'll even try to watch it in porn or imagine it and it's just a turn off. But if I watch het porn and think about having bisexual sex with the man and woman at the same time or mainly focusing on the man that is a big turn on to me.

But I also knew as a kid/teenager that I was into men too and that I wanted sex with both a man and a woman at the same time, and that while there were times that I wanted a girlfriend or a serious LTR with a woman that I'd ultimatley just wind up (back then) cheating on her with men, leaving her for a serious and loving relationship for a man, or that ultimatley I'd just wind up wishing that I had a boyfriend/husband and that I wouldn't have as deep as a love/relationship with a woman as I have with men (sometimes even with men who I've never had sex/a relationship with and we'll never have sex or a relationship).

[TaylorMade]

It's funny... I've grown more sexually attracted to men, bisexual men specifically, the more I've explored my sexuality. I fell for a woman once, with all my heart and soul. She abandoned me; it's like it is better for me if I could have a sexual friendship with a woman. . .because it would take someone very special for me to have a relationship per se with.

For me, the Kinsey scale is useful as a general guide, but not a hard and fast rule. It helps round out stuff and gives me an idea of what questions to ask, and if there's any chance of seeing eye to eye with them.

*Taylor*