Confession failure... told my girlfriend I was bi today...

[babbington]

Other than the couple I'd been with in my past, I've never told anyone about my bisexuality until tonight. I've been dating my girlfriend for about six months and felt comfortable enough to confess I experimented anally when I was younger... she seemed so genuinely intrigued that I decided to up and confess my true sexual nature, reassuring her that I've never been romantically attracted to any males. I've done my research, I told her about bisexuality not just in our culture, but the animal kingdom; I listed off famous people who were bisexual and explained the "bi chic" movement and bisexuality in history... I must have talked for thirty minutes.

When it was all said and done, she told me that it was like I was a completely new person, someone she hadn't planned on spending the rest of her life with. She explained her fear that I was using bisexuality as a stepping stone to full-out homosexuality. Primarily, though, she said that she kept having a image in her head of me orally pleasing another guy and, it just "wasn't attractive" to her.

I explained to her that I wasn't asking her to be attracted to male bisexuality, and that when I'm in a relationship my ideas of fidelity are very conservative and I would never cheat on her with a man or a woman. I told her that I've known I was bisexual for the last eight years and wasn't using it as a "stepping stone".

She replied that it might take twenty years, but that I could end up completely homosexual. She also said that she trusted me not to cheat, but now she feels like there's would be a loss of intimacy if she were to orally please me. She again mentioned the image in her head of me with a guy and said that it subtracts from my masculinity.

She asked me why I didn't mention I was bisexual when we first started going out and I just looked at her in disbelief and scoffed, "Because it would have been over that quickly... would you rather we not have had this time together?" I continued to explain to her that coming out as a bisexual is very awkward, considering that I'd automatically be rejected by my current phobic friends and finding friends who understand - at least partially- means hanging around the gay scene which I've never been into. I reminded her that she'd never seen me as anything other than a masculine male until now and she agreed, but she still thought that act of being with another guy affected her idea of what a man should be.

She said that she understood me not coming out... and she understood me not telling her when we started dating, she also applauded me for telling me the truth even if the timing wasn't perfect. But, sadly, she also said that it was just not something she was prepared to be a part of.

I saw her to her car, we hugged and shed a few tears, nothing too dramatic... she drove away, I hope she makes it safely, she lives two hours away (at school). I went back into my house and broke down completely, I sobbed for a good twenty minutes.

It's pretty clear my first confession didn't go so well. Heh.

[shameless agitator]

OUCH! that sucks. When i came out to my (now ex) girlfriend it didn't go any better. Maybe in future you <i>should</i> tell partners sooner, just to protect your feelings & theirs. If they can't cope you probably want to know that before you get too attached. Just my :2cents:

[DiamondDog]

yikes! Sorry to hear that she has that viewpoint.

shameless is right, honestly this is why I'd be up front with someone before getting attatched and I wouldn't put up, or want anything to do, with someone that didn't accept me fully 100%.

[kimba_n_hotrod]

Coming from the female side of things, when my now husband first really opened up to me, it was odd. We'd met, started hanging out and I fell for him almost instantly. One night, we were hanging out with a friend who was gay and Rod says to me, as I'd just finished sucking on his fingers playfully, "I think I'm gay." He'd never had a homosexual relationship but had had a girlfriend in high school. It wasn't long after this night that we became practically inseparable and fell in love. We married 5 years later and 3 months into our first year of marriage, Rod sits me down on the bed and says, "You remember when i told you I thought I was gay, well, I really think that I'm bisexual." I just sat there and smiled at him and said, "Yeah? Ok! " We've had rough spots and worked through them. But in being online and looking for a bimale for friendship we've encountered a lot men who tell the same story...I told my gf and it was over or if I told my wife there would be hell to pay. My heart aches for you and for her loss. Sounds like she's lost a great man and friend.
Kim

-------------------
Love is everything it's cracked up to be! It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004

[ambi53mm]

Hi Babbington,

"Confession failure"...I think you've coined a new term that any bisexual who's gone through what you've gone through today, can relate to both heart and soul . There are few losses that can compare to the pain of out and out rejection. I've lost many friends over the years both male and female when confessing my sexual orientation. sometimes in the begining of relationships sometimes in the end. Time doesn't seem to have mattered. Some of those relationships were friends I'd had since childhood. Guys that I had hung out with , partied, and chased women with for years.
Sometimes the intial shock wares off and a few come back realizing that you are the same person you've always been. I hope that if your feelings are strong for this young Lady that this might be the case. If not, then I wish you best of Luck. There is someone out there somewhere, where the level of honesty you displayed will mean more, than some preconceived, misguided notion of male masulinity.

Ambi :)

[DiamondDog]

if I may offer some advice that's worked for me: don't see your sexuality as something you have to "confess" or "as something wrong or damaging to oneself", a deep dark secret, or to feel bad/guilty about. Just see it as a small aspect of what makes you complete and yourself as a person.

[happyjoe68]

if I may offer some advice that's worked for me: don't see your sexuality as something you have to "confess" or "as something wrong or damaging to oneself", a deep dark secret, or to feel bad/guilty about. Just see it as a small aspect of what makes you complete and yourself as a person.

DiamondDog is right - your sexuality is not something to be ashamed of. Of course, its tricky to know when and to whom you should say more about yourself, and there are times when it will go wrong, and times when it will go right. I dont have any real advice to offer, but finding more bohemian people/environments to mix in might make things easier in terms of meeting people who dont care about your sexuality

[smokey]

DiamondDog is right - your sexuality is not something to be ashamed of. Of course, its tricky to know when and to whom you should say more about yourself, and there are times when it will go wrong, and times when it will go right. I dont have any real advice to offer, but finding more bohemian people/environments to mix in might make things easier in terms of meeting people who dont care about your sexuality



OUCH!!! I agree as well....I have never had that happen, when I have told a lover that I was bi, I do it in context of my personal history (like you started with)...in my case I was seriously harrassed in school as a teen for being gay because I was not macho (I didn't even know what the term meant when it started) so that when I got on my own I had to find out whether it was true or not and found that I enjoyed both but prefer women, then let them read between the lines, or not. No need to go into details.

[little clown]

Hi Babbington,

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out the way you'd hoped.

Although I don't think it would have changed the outcome of the conversation, I'm not so sure if it was a good idea to get examples of bisexuality in the rest of the animal kingdom involved in the coming-out-conversation that you had with your former girlfriend
Most people feel they're superior to other animal species. A lot of people don't even think of humans as an animal species.

I think it's best to focus on yourself and what being bisexual means to you as you tell someone about your sexual orientation.

I agree with those who wrote you shouldn't equal coming out to making a confession. It's not like you've committed a crime, right? ;)
Coming-out is (usually) about telling someone about your feelings ...propably hoping the person you're talking to will understand them ..will understand you.
And yes, there's always the change he/she/they won't.
No, I don't know how accepting you are of yourself, but in my experience, the more you accept yourself, the easier it is to cope with feelings of rejection. I'm not saying accepting yourself will make you immune to the pain that usually comes with rejection, but you will be more likely to think:
"Okay, I have/had (strong) feelings for him/her, but obviously it wasn't mean to be. I want to spend my life with someone who does accept
me as I am. Someone who agrees with me on important issues".
(Obviously, these issues can include subjects that have nothing to do with sexuality.)

When it comes to masculinity and feminity. You are what YOU feel you are!
Just like with sexual orientation, it's not up to others to decided what you are.

Take care,
Dani

[anne27]

Hon, I am extremely sorry for how things went for you! I know it took me a while after I found out my hubby was bi to totally accept it. Maybe your g/f just needs time. If time doesn't help, it's her lost. You seem like a strong, considerate, kind man. There are women like myself to find bi men extremely attractive. You'll find one.

Best of luck, my heart goes out to you!

[miamiuu]

What were you hoping would come out of this by telling her you are bi? Were you going to start trying to be with guys, too? I just don't see the need to announce this unless you are interested in pursuing it. I would never tell a girl friend that I wanted to remain in a relationship with that I was bi.

[citystyleguy]

you have learnt one of life's hard lessons; you obviously knew of the likelyhood of such an occurence, but with the human desire to hope for the best from any situation, you got hurt hard, and now want understanding.

you will find many fine people here for that; one of the things that make this a great site. reading into your description of yourself and the brief bio, you definitely seem to be a very well adjusted, strong male, quite comfortable with yourself. the thing that is the stumbling block is other peoples opinon of yourself, and what they choose to make of you.

you have come to understand your bisexuality, it is the short-comings of the hetero crowd that crowd out understanding your needs and desires. i wouldnt as a bisexual explain us as now hetero, now homo, those are separate and distinct states of being. you are a third state of being, and you want to share your life with another, and that is a human element; as a bisexual, you want to share the whole of you with another, and unfortunately, ignorance rules supreme. seems to be a much more comfotable niche for the general population.

the hurt cannot be undone, you're a strong male if you can cry and admit it to the larger population. take a rest, focus on other things that need to be done, maybe take in some bisexual communities in your area, take your time to find another. you have come to a great community for a support group!

may the next important one be understanding, and may that person be able to let you have the room to find have another.

[Lorcan]

For being a little late with the timing, I think you handled your explaination of your bisexuality quite well. It's her loss if she doesn't come 'round and accept you. Although I know that isn't much help when you've loved her for 6 months.


What were you hoping would come out of this by telling her you are bi? Were you going to start trying to be with guys, too? I just don't see the need to announce this unless you are interested in pursuing it. I would never tell a girl friend that I wanted to remain in a relationship with that I was bi.

Living a completely open life with your partner assures you that you will stay honest... i.e. not cheating. And who knows... you may find one who actually likes the fact that you're bisexual...probably a bisexual herself.

[babbington]

What were you hoping would come out of this by telling her you are bi? Were you going to start trying to be with guys, too? I just don't see the need to announce this unless you are interested in pursuing it. I would never tell a girl friend that I wanted to remain in a relationship with that I was bi.


I knew I wouldn't be truly close to her unless I told her everything about me. It had nothing to do with wanting to be with other people.

I'm quite fine about being bi, but no man is an island and the truth about who I am DOES deeply affect other people around me. If I told my ultra-conservative-Christian father for instance, my very positive and mutually supportive relationship with him would be forever destroyed. Like I said, I prefer the friends I already have... it's not like we all hang out together because we define ourselves as "straight"... unlike any bi or gay scene I might find.

[onewhocares]

Hun, my heart goes out to you. I admire the man that you are and having the desire to tell the one you love about a very important part of the man that you are. From a womans perspective, it can be somewhat disheartening when the man you are with tells you he is bisexual. Initial reaction may not me an indicator of her feelings in the future. She may be in a state of denial and well has to live with it for a while. I hope she does come to accept that this is a part of you, the man she loves. If she does not, then SHE has lost a great friend. Best for the future.

Belle

[shameless agitator]

What were you hoping would come out of this by telling her you are bi? Were you going to start trying to be with guys, too? I just don't see the need to announce this unless you are interested in pursuing it. I would never tell a girl friend that I wanted to remain in a relationship with that I was bi.So you would rather base the relationship on deception than take a chance of losing it? That's just sad.

[matterinhand]

I really hope that you feel a bit better today, because although it will take a while to go the pain will fade.

I guess I've been fairly lucky with my declerations of bisexuality, because my 3 long term relationships have been with women who've either wanted to experiment with their own sexuality or have already tried.

Despite this I only told number one after we'd split up, because I knew that she'd have wanted to see me with another man, and at that stage in my life I was still thinking of it as a 'guilty secret'.

Number two knew I'd had experiences in the past, she'd actually encouraged me to do things to make sure I enjoyed it, but I think she only really understood and accepted it after she'd been with another woman.

And number three, my present partner, I told within days of meeting, and she has seen me with other men and enjoyed it. Its not made our sex life at home different, except in the fantasies she can say that she wants me and him together, and I can say about seeing her watch us.

So, I wish you luck and love. Next time, broach the subject earlier (that I agree with) but you don't need to declare your sexuality until you know her feelings.

[miamiuu]

So you would rather base the relationship on deception than take a chance of losing it? That's just sad.

How is that being deceptive if you aren't being promiscuous with other people? If you are with the woman you love I really don't see why the issue would even need to be brought up. Not everyone has to do the multiple gender lovers thing at the same time.

[DiamondDog]

How is that being deceptive if you aren't being promiscuous with other people? If you are with the woman you love I really don't see why the issue would even need to be brought up. Not everyone has to do the multiple gender lovers thing at the same time.

honestly, for myself if I were with a woman in a partnership or married in a closed relationship with a woman and she didn't know I'd feel trapped and I'd try not to cheat but porn and erotic fiction only do so much.

I don't believe in monogamy anyway. I do believe in fidelity but I see monogamy as a western social construct.

But whoever I end up with I'll tell her/him/them long before it gets to the point where we're together and it's something they have no idea about.

[suegeorge]

You did nothing wrong here, apart, perhaps, from telling her six months down the line. Like most other people here, I think people should tell their partners if at all possible, whether or not they plan to act on their feelings.

The reason for that is so that you can actually know each other properly. Perhaps if a person's bisexuality is not important to them, if they feel it is something trivial about them, and they never really acted on it anyway, then it's not important to say anything.

However, that's not true for most people on this board. If your sexuality is important to you, how can you have a relationship with another person and keep it quiet? You are essentially building a brick wall between you. That's not intimacy, surely? Now, it's not likely I would have a relationship with someone who didn't tell me they were bi, but they could be hiding all sorts of other things, and if it came out, or if they belatedly "confessed" I would find that very very difficult.

And to me, that is the problem about "affairs" - not them having sex with someone else/without me, but the fact that they would be doing something important and lying about it.

But also, I wouldn't give up on this relationship quite yet. This woman has obviously had a bit of a shock and, given time, might get over it.


Bisexuality and beyond (http://suegeorgewrites.blogspot.com)

[Bicuriousity]

I think as bisexuals we have some unique challenges. First off we are attracted at least at some level to both sexes so no matter who we date we will always have urges towards the opposite sex of our partner.

The question becomes one of monogamy. If we can be monogamous it doesn't really matter.

My current girlfriend doesn't know I'm bi. I mentioned on another thread I still have alot of urges.

Best wishes to everyone in this situation. It truly is difficult. Other than the one beautiful bisexual girl I've been with and one ex girlfriend, no other woman I've met in real life really knows.

[deletetacount123]

I think people should be honest right up front..... cause if you can't be honest at first, then that could make the person wonder what else are you hiding even if your not hiding anything else.
For some people, I feel you should be honest whenever they will like it or not.... yes, some people may be shocked or surprised but what about those, if you tell them many months or years from now, they feel hurt and upset cause you didn't say it before?? They can make them think "Why did you tell me now and not before? Are you cheating?!?!" and all that and you may find yourself in a even bigger problem.

To the oringal poster, I would give her some time to cool down from the shock... you should talk to her, saying you don't plan to leave her or anything, you just wanted to be honest. And if you two really love each other, something WILL work out.... it always work if the love is really strong.
If she can't accept it then... I guess she wasn't the right one.

[SatyrGuy69]

Well I'm promiscuous, and I never had the problem with deception because I'm a big believer in the sharing. I never have nothing to hide cuz I'm too down-to-earth and open-minded about my sexuality to hide anything from my girlfriend.every sexual activity I do, I want her to be involved, if she chooses to be.

[shameless agitator]

How is that being deceptive if you aren't being promiscuous with other people? If you are with the woman you love I really don't see why the issue would even need to be brought up. Not everyone has to do the multiple gender lovers thing at the same time.Whether you sleep with anyone else or not, it's being deceptive by allowing her to believe you're straight. It's pretending to be something you're not. Somebody else has it as a signature, but it fits here perfectly, I'd rather be hated for what I am than loved for what I'm not.

[Avocado]

I'm so sorry to hear about that. It took me 2 years to confess to my now fiancee, and no bi person learns the easy way that you should come out in the 1st few days. It may seem like things were great before, but you really did save yourself from living a lie. I was after my fiancee for months till we got together. People kept telling me she wasn't good enough for me because she didn't want me. The point I'm making is, if she is good enough, she'll change her mind, if she don't, she aint.

[Mrs. Taz]

in a way i kinda agree maybe tell them sooner than that so yall dont have time to get attached to eachother, then again in a way it might be best to wait and tell them later that way they are attached to you and can see that they love you enough to look past that and learn to deal with it. after all as you said, your still the same person she was growing to love nothing had changed. I am sooo sorry you had to go through that though I wish she could have been more understanding and willing to try harder. If someone cant love you for who you really are then they arent the right person to be with.

[babbington]

Well, I know it has only been four days, but I haven't heard anything from her. I deleted her as my friend on Facebook only because it was too painful to see any goings ons in her life. I hope she doesn't take it as a hostile action, because, if she's willing to get over me being who I am, I'll take her back with open arms.

[dfwbi-cyclist]

Not going to offer advice either way as far as tell them sooner or later. I think it depends on EACH indvidual involved and how things are progressing.

Didn't tell my wife until after 2 years of dating. Why two years? I was certain at that point that she was going to stay no matter what I said (also took that long to work up the guts).

I still can't believe how well it went (knowing for others in the same situation it hasn't).

So basically, keep your head up and when the next one comes along, do what YOU feel is right again.

Best of luck.

[babbington]

Not going to offer advice either way as far as tell them sooner or later. I think it depends on EACH indvidual involved and how things are progressing.


Very good point. I appreciate everyone's input, but everyone's situation with their significant other will be vastly different. Had I told her from the beginning, it would have been over on the spot and I wouldn't have gotten to know her found out if she was someone I would want to tell. Heh.

I'd say the pain I feel now is a fair trade for the good times we had... and perhaps it'll leave the both of us a bit wiser.

[bi4asplay]

Miamiuu, Some of us have to be totally honest with someone that we can about. To not be honest is setting them up for hurt that is not needed. If you do not tell them all there is to know about you. You are not being honest. You are putting on a false front. Where do you think you would be if she found out and you had not had the strength to be truthful? Don't be honest and she finds out you are done. Be honest up front and take the chance that she does care enough about you to accept all of you. Don't tell her and it is a lie by omission. She should dump you. I am not even saying tell everyone in you life. None of their business. It is a mate's business!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They have the right to know. Just as you have to right to know every thing about you. I guess that you have heard of the Golden Rule?

[Basin_Bouy]

I too confessed my Bisexuality to a GF (of 4 mos.) last year. Initially she was very interested and asked lots of questions. I did notice though she started to pull away intentionally. Personally, I am glad we broke up, but I have not said anything to the woman I have been living with since October, and don't think I will as it is not interferring with our wonderful relationship. I have no secrets with her, except this one.

[elian]

Well, I suppose coming out to someone can be quite a shock. They thought they really knew you for 6 months.. The only thing you can do is to reassure her that you are still the same person and that you still love her just as much as always.

As I said to some local folks posting to the newspaper online forums the assumption is that one of the male partners must be more effeminate and that somehow the more "effeminate" partner is "weak" is not necessarily true. Gay men like MEN - if they wanted to be with women then we wouldn't even need to have a discussion about gay marriage rights. I imagine it is much the same with bisexual men..

Whether someone prefers to be more dominate or submissive is an independent attribute of their character, irrespective of their sexual orientation.

[topper99florida]

Well, my hat's off to you for coming out to your girl friend. Really, it's her loss. Funny enough my experience has been mixed: I've had one straight girlfriend who loved the idea and figured it was her ticket into a mfm threesome. Another who was bi herself was completely freaked out. Others varied. My long-term love and I came out to each other in bed within the first three months of dating (she whispered a bi fantasy to me, I whispered one back) and we've been together twenty years now.

I guess you never know until you say it.

Oh, and that submissive vs. masculine thing is baloney: I can never Greco-Roman wrestle-sex with a woman like I can with a man :)

[Chris_t_boston]

How is that being deceptive if you aren't being promiscuous with other people? If you are with the woman you love I really don't see why the issue would even need to be brought up. Not everyone has to do the multiple gender lovers thing at the same time.

Not to revive an old thread, but it's back up, why not?

This was a huge problem with my wife. I didn't think so but two therapists and two marriage counselors confirmed this. When you enter into a meaningful relaionship it means complete honesty with the other person. You need to allow the other person informed consent... let them know ALL the facts so they can make an intelligent decision.

That decision may go against you, it may not. My wife was less troubled by the fact that I was bisexual than that I had known for 35 years and never told her. The marriage was "based on a lie." It was deceptive and wrong.