The Surreal Life: Coming Out with the “B” Word

[Brian]

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author18.jpgBy Emily Schultz

Many of us came out to our parents as bisexual at one time, only to go back in (so to speak) a little while later when we returned to what looked like a more heterosexual union. Perhaps we came out again, jumped back in, then out again, and so on. The question isn’t whether to come out at all; the question is what happens in a family after one has—sometimes more than once—and how parent/child relationships will fluctuate and evolve when the child identifies as anything other than the extremes of “straight” and “gay.”

For Zoe, 30, there is no situation in her life now where she’s not out. Eleven years ago, her mother took her coming out harder than her father did. “For my dad I framed it in emotional terms because it’s easier to talk to parents about emotional things than sexual ones…. They thought coming out as bi at 19 was a step toward being queer or gay. Or they thought I was experimenting. I always had pretty valid relationships with guys. So they weren’t sure.” But Zoe adds, “I think they’ve shown amazing progress in being able to deal with queerness.”

In spite of her family being both liberal and Christian, Zoe’s relationship with her parents was strained during her early 20s. She felt they didn’t show interest in her life, or in meeting or bonding with her live-in partner. “At the age of 27,” says Zoe, “I went to my brother’s wedding and I realized my parents knew all of my brother’s friends and were really attached to his fiancée. At the wedding, my mother told someone that I had moved in with my boyfriend [rather than girlfriend]. I had decided I wasn’t going to be selfish, but I called her on it when we got home…and since then they’ve come miles. They’ve met the girls that I date. They know that they’re butch. They understand the complexity to the dynamic even though they don’t have the language for it.”

Heather, also 30, has had a different experience entirely: “I have worked in the queer community for the past seven years, and have considered myself to be a ‘professional queer.’ I’ve done media interviews, public talks, workshops, and TV appearances. I don’t hide my sexuality—except from my parents.”

Like Zoe, Heather first figured out she was attracted to women when she was 18 or 19 and it only took her a couple months to “get comfortable with the idea.” She says, “Having a girlfriend as soon as I figured it out didn’t hurt. I started university in a new city right around that time, so I was basically out [as bi] as soon as I started, although not as extensively as I am now.”

Has she contemplated coming out to her family? “I’ve considered it many, many times,” she confides. “What’s stopped me, mainly, is that my mom is homophobic. We once had a conversation that started with her wondering why queer people had to tell anybody about their sexuality, and ended with her telling me that if I ever introduced her to a same-sex lover I could just say that said lover was a ‘friend’ or ‘roommate.’ Granted, my mom doesn’t really believe that people should talk about—or have—sex much at all, but…she’s fine if I introduce her to a boyfriend.”

Jill Thomas is the program coordinator for the Indiana Youth Group, established in 1987 to serve queer kids between 12-21 years of age. Thomas poses reminders of change in the social atmosphere. “The majority of our youth are out in some capacity,” Thomas states. “It’s not as harsh as 10 years ago, where the majority of our youth wouldn’t be out.” For youth whose parents are not supportive, mentoring programs are one answer. IYG offers this, but also workshops for parents who want to learn to better support their children. “It may not be what you expected,” Thomas says of adjusting parents, “but the parent–child bond is much bigger than that.”

Next year, Tamara, 38, an LGBT civil rights lawyer in California, will celebrate her 20th anniversary of being out as bi. “I’m not at all closeted,” she laughs. “I’m professionally uncloseted.” Since every e-mail she sends appears with her work signature attached, people can’t pretend she is straight and just working at a law firm, even though she is in a committed relationship with a man and has a child.

She echoes Thomas’ view that the parent-child bond is not always shaped by sexuality. “My relationship with my parents has changed dramatically over the years for many reasons. My sexual orientation and their feelings about it is probably a smaller part of that than a lot of other issues.” She admits coming out seemed a bigger issue at the time than she regards it to be in retrospect. Her parents met her female partner while she was in law school, but because her mother and father had split and remarried, Tamara had more than one family to come out to. “I came out to my mom when I was in college, to my step-mom a couple years later…. That was a long time ago,” she reflects, “Them being supportive and we-love-you-whoever-you-are was progressive. Now people expect a lot more when they come out to their parents because society has shifted. At least in urban America.”

Tamara acknowledges some comfort level in her current relationship with her parents comes from the fact that she has a male partner; at the same time her LGBT work is a kind of meeting ground. “They’re very proud of the work I’ve done and very supportive of it. My mom especially has been incredibly helpful. We have a toddler and she came out and spent several months taking care of him when we weren’t ready to send him to daycare. I was working long hours. She said, ‘I’m proud of the work you’re doing and that’s part of the reason I’m willing to do this.’ That’s in some ways separate from my orientation and who I am, but it’s also, in my current life, a piece of my being queer that they can connect to because I have a male partner.”

Ron Jackson Suresha, 47, marvels at the differences—and similarities—between bi kids of today and of his generation. Suresha, who is co-editor of the recently released book Bi Men: Coming Out Every Which Way, says, “In many ways, bisexual children are asking the same questions that bisexual children and adults have always been asking: ‘Do I like boys?’ ‘Do I like girls?’ ‘Is it okay to like both?’ Those kinds of questions will always be very important to queer youth regardless of whether they identify as queer, bi, trans, gay, lesbian…. The coming out process for bisexuals—as I’ve come to realize in editing this book, which is essentially, a collection of coming-out and coming-of-age and coming-to-terms stories—for many men, at least, is a multi-layered process.”

The anthology includes first-person stories of men from ages 19-65, and after working closely with coming out stories, Suresha does have advice for the older generation, “We need to pay attention to the stories of bi youth, and give them a stage, a platform on which they can express themselves. A big part of it—for gay men and lesbians, and parents of bisexuals—is slowing down, really learning to slow down, and listen to what the actual experiences are, what their children’s experiences are.”

Suresha was lucky. His parents weren’t just willing to listen—they took the lead. “They sat me down one day when I was 12 or 13 and asked if I thought I might be a homosexual, and I told them no, and they left it at that for quite a while, although they held on to their suspicions for many years, and eventually those suspicions were confirmed in remarkably dramatic ways,” he recounts. “But at that age, I thought a homosexual was a guy who liked to dress up in girls’ clothes, and cross-dressing held absolutely no interest for me. Now, if my parents had asked if I liked looking at naked men, if I was aroused by the thought of physical contact with men, my answer would have been quite different. My guess is that they pretty much knew very early on, certainly before I did, but only because I hadn’t yet developed the vocabulary to describe my sexual state of being.”

Suresha, who calls himself “your typical Kinsey 5,” says his desire for women was somewhat hidden most of his life. He calls his newfound bisexuality a second coming-out. “Not having the right word for one’s sexuality is very common, I believe, for queers of all ages and stripes. I never considered myself bi until I realized that the term applied to me: I thought it referred to people who liked boys and girls equally, and at the same time. Had I known that there are many valid ways of being bisexual, and that my being a gay man with an occasional desire for women is one way of being bi, I would have come out as bi decades earlier.”

Many parents take time to adjust and adapt. Kristyn came out in her mid-20s. “I find it’s very, very confusing for my parents,” she admits. “They met a lot of boyfriends in high school. They’ve struggled with me having a girlfriend. They’ve struggled with my girlfriends turning into men—transitioning. That really broke them…. At that point it just became very confusing, and ironically after all these years, they really like the partner I have now who’s a woman. They’ve never really been keen on any of the people I dated until now.” She theorizes if she were to start dating a man at this point in time, it would completely baffle them.

“Coming out to them with my first female partner was very difficult,” Kristyn recalls candidly. “I was cut out of the family. My mother didn’t speak to me for at least six months. It was a huge crisis for her. My siblings all pitched in to try to talk with her and help her work through it, but she still won’t tell lots of her friends I have a girlfriend.” Does it bother Kristyn? “Of course. It’s awful. But I also, at this point, feel if they’re her friends, that’s her decision.”

In spite of her reservations, Kristyn’s mom has suggested grandchildren via the sperm bank. The question now for Kristyn becomes how to explain she doesn’t want children, period. “I feel being bi—queer—just doesn’t fit into some of those plans parents have for their kids.”

As I interview her, Kristyn and her current girlfriend are preparing to spend the weekend with the family. “My father’s mellowed with age and his perspective is a lot more humanitarian and benign,” Kristyn says. “He really thinks my girlfriend is smart and charming and all the right things. And I think my mother just likes her because she sucks up to my mom.” She laughs, “She totally plays a game that no one else has ever wanted to play, and I don’t play, so she’s actually the good daughter. When I come back I might be single. I might have had enough. No, you go live with my mother.”

According to Cheri MacLeod of PFLAG, the period immediately following a child’s coming out is the most difficult; at the same time it’s the most important. “In those first six months, the growth process is just incredible,” she says.

At 32, my own coming out process is still in progress. In spite of an open and honest relationship where Mom and Dad have let me make my own mistakes and shared in the pride of my accomplishments, the idea of phoning them up and having a direct adult conversation about the fact that I’m bi still scares the hell right out of me! It is this that I hypocritically contemplate as I conclude this article, where others have been so forthcoming about their parental relationships. Do mine know I’m bi? Unquestionably. Can we talk about it? Uh…theoretically…maybe.

(c) Copryight 2006 Emily Schultz

Emily Schultz is a writer and editor living in Toronto.

[Lateralus]

Good article. I can't wait to have my own coming out story. :)

[Reprob8]

Before coming out to my mom, brothers and sister I watched several episodes of coming out stories on logo, it is kind of sappy and corny but I learned allot of do's and even more dont's about comming out. The hardest part for me about coming out is everytime I turn around I realise that to some extent I am still in. I am in the closet at work, I still haven't found a label that fits what I feel about myself and am about to totaly dispense with labels for my sexuality. I think that my closet in acctuality is a house of mirrors, everytime I turn to try to find the door I see another reflection of myself. The closet isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it is nice to have a secret, the key is are you "OUT" and honest with yourself. Hell, at work I am a closet liberal, which would be viewed more negativly than being LGBT,


I think what would really freak my family out more is if I ever had anything to do with this really cute black guy I know, that would probably send all of them over the edge as I come from a puritanical family of Catholics and Mormons.


A very nice article BTW.

[Herbwoman39]

Those are some very courageous people in that article. All my friends know I'm bi and could care less. Heck, even my younger son's girlfriend knows. Same reaction. The only people in my life I *haven't* told yet are my parents.

I know it's going to be a real shock for them because they have only ever heard me talk about or seen me with men. They're both Christian though they don't attend church and I have subtle indicators that my mother, at least, will not be very approving.

Why tell? Because I don't want them to find out some other way. Plus, the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be not to find some justification for NOT telling them at all.

Good article :)

[Azrael]

Excellent article. My mother has had a rather difficult time grasping my sexuality as I was engaged to marry a woman. We went through all this when I was 16 and I thought I was gay. Now it's the opposite extreme. To her credit, she's a lot more understanding than my father, who I would never bring up the subject with. A lot of people tend to act understanding in the interest of social graces, until it's their kid. My family tends to lean toward this sort of behavior, save for a few proud souls. My Uncle even came out and said, "This is a dangerous lifestyle you're choosing". It makes me furious but at least they still care enough to worry I suppose.

[guyfromdenver]

Hi Emily,

I'm Tim, and I am bi. Does that sound like I'm in an AA meeting? HAHAA!

I guess I really don't understand coming out as bi. (or I guess gay for that matter) How do you do it? What does it mean? Does it mean I should act bi? How do bi people act? I am bi and have been as long as I have been sexually active, so let's say for about 20 years. Most of my lovers knew that I am bi, not all, but most. I don't parade down the streets flying the bi flag because I have no personal interest to. I don't see a lot of straight people proclaiming that they are publicly straight. I think it is an issue of the gay or bi mind trying to justify themselves to themselves. Others may if they wish, but I'm too busy with my life then to make the effort to stand out because of what way I wiggle my wiener.

I have to tell you tho that the annual pride fest in Denver ROCKS! They have the best DJ's, and the best dance floors in the State. The park is rockin'! I met a lot of men and women there, and I made some great friends.

Sexuality is our business. Do what you want. I must honestly tell you that I receive significantly more prejudice from gay men then from straight people or lesbians. My best friends in the world are actually lesbians. (they say there is a coven of them! They are so cool!) We just seem to get it. That's an interesting dynamic. Ever explore that angle? (One of my best friends, claiming to be a militant feminist lesbian, her words, thinks that I'm a peach. She’s a professional opera diva) I am out, but I am in. I never stood on a street corner arguing with people because I like women, nor have I done the same thing because I have sex with men too. I do agree that gay and lesbian, and of course us bi lot, should be afforded equal rights under the Law of the Land. I'll fight for anybody’s rights. There are a couple of ballot initiatives going to the voters of Colorado this election to give people that love how they want to love the same standards of those that love like the State allows them to love. I will vote for them, but this is after all Colorado. I do not follow polls, but I'm betting not so much. Thank you for your article. Is it that easy to see that I just skimmed over it? I bet you made a lot of the same or perhaps diametrically differing points then I am bringing up, but it is a vastly different issue then most people know. Most people honestly think we are really strange. Gay men think I'm gay and in denial, straight people think I am a pervert, and lesbians like me. Curious to the core! Yet when I hold a woman I feel true comfort. When I hold a guy I feel erotic. I love women, and I love sex too!

Have fun and if you want to chat more hook up with the great people that run this site. I'd love to share thoughts, and if you find yourself in Denver, you buy the coffee and I'll show you the sites. Deal?

“Keep it up!”

[bigregory]

I think i could come out to anyone,even my kids,sisters and my redneck co-workers. But my MOM no way..
It is just out of respect for her.
Well thats my :2cents:

[coyotedude]

Nice article. Thanks!

For me, I've struggled with how much to come out of the closet and to whom. On the one hand, my sexuality is my own business, and I've not seen much need to announce my bisexuality to the world. On the other hand, my bisexuality is part of who I am, and I don't want to have to hide this part of me from the people I am close to.

My wife knows I am bi; she has really helped me come to grips with being bi. I have come out to some close friends (both straight and gay) that I felt safe with sharing this part of myself. But I also have two good friends who do not know; I think they would have a difficult time coming to grips with this particular truth about me.

I did come out as bi to my mother about 5 or 6 years ago. It turned out to be a rather painful experience, but not because she disapproved of my bisexuality. (In fact, she'd apparently had suspicions for years.) Instead, she was extremely hurt that I hadn't come out to her sooner. In fact, I hadn't told her before because I didn't want her blabbing it about to other people. If at all possible, I want to be the one in control of my own coming out of the closet!

Peace

[Brian]

Hi Emily,

I'm Tim, and I am bi. Does that sound like I'm in an AA meeting? HAHAA!

I guess I really don't understand coming out as bi. (or I guess gay for that matter) How do you do it? What does it mean? Does it mean I should act bi? How do bi people act? Hi Tim! A lot of bi folks would agree 100% with your statement, "I guess I really don't understand coming out as bi.", and ask those same, great, questions. I would have been quoted as saying much the same thing about 10 to 15 years ago.

What happened in my case (I came out this year), and I think happens to a lot of people is that, after a while, not coming out, that is not saying it, becomes like a lie in itself. It becomes a burden and a barrier between the person and loved ones and friends.

For me coming out was not about acting differently. (As a matter of fact several of my family members said, when I came out, something like "well, you don't act gay/bi" and I am still trying to wrap my head around why they felt a need to say that - it may take me years) Instead, coming out, for me, was about ending the assumed lie (that I was straight).

Some of you may follow the same type of path, and if so I think you will know when to come out when the silence on the topic begins to feel like a muted lie.

Many great comments in this thread. Sorry I don't have time to add my :2cents: to all of them tonight.

- Drew :paw:

[janKahn]

hi, i aske my self samtime how am i?
for my being bi is kind of not knowing what i'm?
so, was once married and i have two childeren and i have now gilr fiend howunderstands my beter then i was married with my ex-partner.

our sex life wasn't so good i couldn't tell haar what feel,but i don't like going in bed with a man.i don't like that a man teches mee,only my girl fiend.

[Doggie_Wood]

A very interesting article and very insightful.
Although coming out might be a weight off of someone's sholders, I feel that my sexuality and my sexual preference or orientation is of no ones concern except myself and those I chose to tell.
Just wanted to put in my :2cents:

[runwildtonight]

Every time I read a coming out story I wonder how my story will go. Sure I have told a few people that Im bisexual, but never was it a huge risk in my part. Ive only chose to tell those that either barely knew me so if they didnt like it I could just forgett about them or those few friends I knew would be fine with it because I knew their opinion on it so well. The closest was when I told a friend after drinking a little, it just slipped out, it was hard and I had to go see her the next day to make sure she would keep it a secret.

I worry about the day I tell my closest friends who are guys, my 2 brothers, and my parents, not to mention extended families, friends of the family and so on. I know most of them wont take it well.

One thing is fo certain though, every time I do tell someon it is a huge weight of my shoulders and it feels good.
:flag3: :bibounce:

[*foxy_roxy*]

I really enjoyed the article, and can completely understand where some of those people are coming from. I have come out to most of my friends, though have found it hard to bring up the conversation with some close friends. Its not as though I don't want to tell them, I just don't know how to, how to bring up the conversation, or the words to use to express how I feel, without them worrying that I feel differently about them. The friends that I have told have all taken it extremely well, which is always a bonus. Yet the people I long to tell most, though can't as they will take it badly, are my parents. My mum is totally narrow-minded, and would take it extremely badly. I have an amazing relationship with her, and would hate to ruin it, so for now, as I have a male partner, everything is fine being kept in the closet, but I suppose one day I will have to tell her the truth. When that day comes, I hope she will take it better than expected, as she is my mother and best friend and would hate that my sexual orientation could come between us.

[thongman45]

When I came out..it was to my wifes sister first....I needed to let it out, and she was the only person I could think of who would not judge me.
About six months later I just blurted it out to my wife. She was shocked at first, but after a few months she came to terms with it. It was my crossdressing and wearing panties she really had a difficult time understanding and accepting.
Our daughter who was 18 at the time figured it out on her own, just from suttle observations....she claimed.
I never came out to my mother...she was frrail at the time, and just didn't need to know.

[aqua82]

Hi Tim! A lot of bi folks would agree 100% with your statement, "I guess I really don't understand coming out as bi.", and ask those same, great, questions. I would have been quoted as saying much the same thing about 10 to 15 years ago.

What happened in my case (I came out this year), and I think happens to a lot of people is that, after a while, not coming out, that is not saying it, becomes like a lie in itself. It becomes a burden and a barrier between the person and loved ones and friends.

For me coming out was not about acting differently. (As a matter of fact several of my family members said, when I came out, something like "well, you don't act gay/bi" and I am still trying to wrap my head around why they felt a need to say that - it may take me years) Instead, coming out, for me, was about ending the assumed lie (that I was straight).

Some of you may follow the same type of path, and if so I think you will know when to come out when the silence on the topic begins to feel like a muted lie.

Many great comments in this thread. Sorry I don't have time to add my :2cents: to all of them tonight.

- Drew :paw:


I totally agree... I just feel like not telling the people that are close to me is this big white elephant in the room. The hardest people to talk to about it have been my female best friend and my sister. Men seem to be more supportive of it, especially boyfriends, because they think it's hot. I used to keep it to myself though because I felt it drew unneeded attention to me. My ex-husband would ask me if I thought a girl in the mall was hot in front of our friends that didn't know I was bi and I felt that was very wrong. It wasn't his right to share that, and he only did it because he thought it was funny to put me on the spot. I've started a new job and I don't plan on announcing it to everyone, but if the topic comes up, I feel no qualms about sharing. I guess I remember when I was a young teenager and a few years before I started feeling attracted to other girls, I was actually very homophobic. I knew two bi girls my age and it freaked me out, like because they were bi and my friends, they'd want to sleep with me. I think of that when I'm talking to straight aquaintences (sp?) and sort of decide who to tell based on how I think they'll take it. Maybe that's not the best way to do it, but it works for me.

There are some people I don't think I'll ever be able to come out to. My father is the top, because he's a hardcore Bible thumper who would only increase his thumping in order to "save" me. I think my dad's side of the family, even his mother, would be more supportive...they're a little more open minded...maybe it's a west coast thing. I know my mom's side would never support me...they're all very conservative and would just view bisexuality as some sort of excuse for sleeping around and having orgies, I'm sure... Of course...it's possible that I'm judging them for judging me when I haven't even given them the chance. Food for my own thought.... Enough rambling.... just felt like sharing.

[dudleydorite222]

I feel i have a healthy sexual attitiude towards both sexes and have absolutely no problem interacting with either sex. I feel this stems from my early experiences as a nudist. My family has always been involved in nudity whether group orhome, my mother actually came out as a bisexual first, after a few years of hiding the thoughts, i also came out as bi, it actually caused less stir than I thought

[slickmanuva]

ive only realy realised am bi withn the last few weeks,reason being ive been positive im straight.although ive always looked for something different to spice sex up ive never(even though ive enjoyed trying)found true extasy with just a woman.
then one day i stumbled across a bi site which was linked from a free porn site and the cokie dropped.although i always considerd myself straight seeing 2 men and a women was a reel turn on.i mean sucking a bloke off with a women and touching her up getting her ready to lick her out,would be so horny.
i mean i know im inexperienced and still a virgin when it comes to male sex but id like to try it atleast once.after all ive always thought myself open minded.if intersted i live in york and would prefer a couple to make me feel more relaxed.
i could bring a male friend also but he is unsure aswell.(even though we`ve played with each other,when we`ve been drunk.(in a way that random drunk touching made me think about full on sex with a male and female).

[Reewolf]

Thank you so much for the great article. I have been half in/half out of the closet for a few years. My biggest obstical is with my family and the fact that I am married to a wonderful and supportive husband. If I had come out as a lesbian years ago, my parents would have understood. Now I too feel the pressure of that white elephant in the room. I would love to tell them but I know for a fact that it would go over like a lead balloon. It makes me crazy. On the positive side though, the friends that I have told, both straight, gay and bi, have been extremely supportive of me and a weight was lifted off my shoulders each time I told one of them.

:three:

[someotherguy]

I suppose in a way it's easier for young kids of today, or whippersnappers, to free themselves from strict heterosexual expectations, just because of all the social progress made by not-straights speaking up and coming out in the recent past. I caution anyone having their first surreal peek behind societal norms in sexual identity terms to consider that same surreal sense awaits behind the scenes of the rest of the Potemkin Village. Today it's because you varied from the script in orientation. Tomorrow it will be other areas of life, from politics to religion to economics...because all of these prevailing concepts exist as conforming influences promoting a very specific ideology. Once a person begins to notice the man behind the curtain the Great Oz no longer roars and bellows with convincing authority.

It's confusing to people when you announce your label needs updating to reflect your true contents. It would be like if you reached for the ketchup bottle and it said "I am mustard." Not that it was speaking, shocking as that would be, but that it was something other than you expected. How wary people would need to be around you if they didn't know whether you went well with fries.

[mizundastoodgal]

I've know I was attracted to both sexes for as long as I can remember, but I didn't actually become open about it to anyone until 10th grade or so. I just decided I didn't care what people thought anymore, and ran with it. My friends thought it was cool that I was honest and open about myself, and one of my close guy friends actually said I inspired him to come out as bisexual too. Whereas I had expected to be ridiculed and alienated at school I was happy to find that was not the case. Home was quite quite different. It took me months to find the courage to tell my mom that I was bisexual, and when I did she flipped out and told me that I was sick and she was taking me to a psychiatrist. She also mentioned that I was going to burn in hell, which I responded to by saying "If that's all I'm going for, at least I'll have fun before I get there!" Got the cold shoulder for a while, but I didn't back down. Nowadays she just pretends that whole event never happened...to her I'm still the perfectly straight and normal Golden Child. *shrug* Better then outright animosity I suppose, but thank god I have support from my friends! :cool:

[NorthBiEast]

If it comes up in conversation, I tell people about my orientation, and I'm not worried about them "outing" me to others. I am who I am, and if that bothers you, it doesn't bother me. I've had that philosophy for years. I don't push it on people because that's not who I am.

I'm actually looking forward to coming out to my husband's family, because they are a rather conservative bunch, and I like rocking thier boat. :tongue:
My own family however... I know my dad and brother wouldn't care (we all suspect my bro is gay anyway), but my mom is a closet homophobe. She talks about being open and left wing, but when it has come up in passing, she has actually said "eeeeeewwww!" I was still Questioning at the time, so I was pretty offended. I ACTUALLY told her she must be pretty boring in bed! :eek: Needless to say, that put a permanent end to the conversation. I'm certain that she'll still love me no matter what, and she'll get over it eventually (especially since I've already given her a grandchild :rolleyes: ) but it's gonna be one helluva awkward conversation.
...on second thought, maybe I can just have my dad tell her while I'm at my own home 20 miles away :tongue:

[jamiehue]

I havent come out to a lot of my gay friends as bi but since it quite obvious that im a bit diffrent ill let them figure it out for themselves.I really dont care what the 100%ters opinons are anyway they have been in general meanspirited in the past.

[newlyoutasbisexual]

I only recently realized for sure that I was bi-sexual a few months ago. I told my mom and she took it really well and I also told my ex-boyfriend and a few friends of mine but pretty much kept it a secret. Things are very confusing about how I feel, how I look at men and women the same way but at the same time I really don't know how my family would react especially my grandmother. Reading the different stories on your article made me realize that there is nothing wrong with me and if people think that then its their problem. Still I think I still need to figuare out totally who I am before telling others. I just wanted to say thanks.

[mikebridges]

I came out to my wife after we'd had a few MMF threesomes. It wasn't hard for me to tell her of my curiosity since she'd already told me of some bisexual play she'd done as a teen.

A few weeks after I told her of my interest in sucking dick, she arranged for me to suck off a friend she wanted to fuck.

She spent the evening flirting with him and getting him excited. Eventually, I suggested to him that he strip her and fuck her. She was ready, it seemed. But when he was just about to slip it in her, I heard her whisper to him, "Mike wants to suck you."

He didn't miss a beat. He came to where I was seated at the other end of the couch and presented his beautiful cock within inches of my face.

That was my first. She enjoyed watching. And I eventually developed a long term cocksucking relationship with another friend my wife liked to fuck. I never regretted coming out, and was happy that she accepted it and encouraged me to recreationaly suck her lover.

[NomDe]

The issues of coming out are maybe more complex for monogamous bisexuals who are in committed relationships.

Some people may think "What's the point?", but of course if people stay hidden, allowing themselves to be assumed heterosexual or gay, then bisexuality remains invisible.

The visible face of bisexuality mostly confirms all of the worst stereotypes. This prevents the majority of bisexuals from making contact with the "bi" world, cements their isolation (including the severe health risks attributed to isolation) and allows the world to keep believing that bisexuality equals promiscuity and sexual hobbyism.

I think that we do need to come out, but how, and where, and when?

Sincerely
Naomi

[bisubbie]

I told my ex 2 1/2 yrs before marrying her. It was shaky at first but she married me anyway. When we separated in 95 she sent a letter to my parents, sisters and brother outing me as bi. I don't think it made a differnce overall. After my mom passed away in 03 my brother came across as very hatefull towards me. Even growing up he never did like me, but when I went in the Army he lightened up. When I got out in 76 we even got along, bar hopping, fishing, etc. After my mom passed I realized it had been a kind of unmentioned truce between us.

My youngest sister is one of those people who never can stop talking, so I know more people know I'm bi. I like that, because the closet gets tiresome.

I told my wife before we started seeing each other. It turns out she's bi-curious. We have the same taste in men and enjoy checking out guys together.

One thought on my mind recently is that people who know I'm bi know I like sucking another man's dick. Obvious right? Without blabbing it to them, I like them knowing I like a man's dick and cream. Odder thoughts than that pass through my mind stuffing mailboxes, such a boring job.

There's my thoughts anyway,
Bisubbie

[nahnarocha]

:) :female: :tongue:
http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author18.jpgBy Emily Schultz

Many of us came out to our parents as bisexual at one time, only to go back in (so to speak) a little while later when we returned to what looked like a more heterosexual union. Perhaps we came out again, jumped back in, then out again, and so on. The question isn’t whether to come out at all; the question is what happens in a family after one has—sometimes more than once—and how parent/child relationships will fluctuate and evolve when the child identifies as anything other than the extremes of “straight” and “gay.”

For Zoe, 30, there is no situation in her life now where she’s not out. Eleven years ago, her mother took her coming out harder than her father did. “For my dad I framed it in emotional terms because it’s easier to talk to parents about emotional things than sexual ones…. They thought coming out as bi at 19 was a step toward being queer or gay. Or they thought I was experimenting. I always had pretty valid relationships with guys. So they weren’t sure.” But Zoe adds, “I think they’ve shown amazing progress in being able to deal with queerness.”

In spite of her family being both liberal and Christian, Zoe’s relationship with her parents was strained during her early 20s. She felt they didn’t show interest in her life, or in meeting or bonding with her live-in partner. “At the age of 27,” says Zoe, “I went to my brother’s wedding and I realized my parents knew all of my brother’s friends and were really attached to his fiancée. At the wedding, my mother told someone that I had moved in with my boyfriend [rather than girlfriend]. I had decided I wasn’t going to be selfish, but I called her on it when we got home…and since then they’ve come miles. They’ve met the girls that I date. They know that they’re butch. They understand the complexity to the dynamic even though they don’t have the language for it.”

Heather, also 30, has had a different experience entirely: “I have worked in the queer community for the past seven years, and have considered myself to be a ‘professional queer.’ I’ve done media interviews, public talks, workshops, and TV appearances. I don’t hide my sexuality—except from my parents.”

Like Zoe, Heather first figured out she was attracted to women when she was 18 or 19 and it only took her a couple months to “get comfortable with the idea.” She says, “Having a girlfriend as soon as I figured it out didn’t hurt. I started university in a new city right around that time, so I was basically out [as bi] as soon as I started, although not as extensively as I am now.”

Has she contemplated coming out to her family? “I’ve considered it many, many times,” she confides. “What’s stopped me, mainly, is that my mom is homophobic. We once had a conversation that started with her wondering why queer people had to tell anybody about their sexuality, and ended with her telling me that if I ever introduced her to a same-sex lover I could just say that said lover was a ‘friend’ or ‘roommate.’ Granted, my mom doesn’t really believe that people should talk about—or have—sex much at all, but…she’s fine if I introduce her to a boyfriend.”

Jill Thomas is the program coordinator for the Indiana Youth Group, established in 1987 to serve queer kids between 12-21 years of age. Thomas poses reminders of change in the social atmosphere. “The majority of our youth are out in some capacity,” Thomas states. “It’s not as harsh as 10 years ago, where the majority of our youth wouldn’t be out.” For youth whose parents are not supportive, mentoring programs are one answer. IYG offers this, but also workshops for parents who want to learn to better support their children. “It may not be what you expected,” Thomas says of adjusting parents, “but the parent–child bond is much bigger than that.”

Next year, Tamara, 38, an LGBT civil rights lawyer in California, will celebrate her 20th anniversary of being out as bi. “I’m not at all closeted,” she laughs. “I’m professionally uncloseted.” Since every e-mail she sends appears with her work signature attached, people can’t pretend she is straight and just working at a law firm, even though she is in a committed relationship with a man and has a child.

She echoes Thomas’ view that the parent-child bond is not always shaped by sexuality. “My relationship with my parents has changed dramatically over the years for many reasons. My sexual orientation and their feelings about it is probably a smaller part of that than a lot of other issues.” She admits coming out seemed a bigger issue at the time than she regards it to be in retrospect. Her parents met her female partner while she was in law school, but because her mother and father had split and remarried, Tamara had more than one family to come out to. “I came out to my mom when I was in college, to my step-mom a couple years later…. That was a long time ago,” she reflects, “Them being supportive and we-love-you-whoever-you-are was progressive. Now people expect a lot more when they come out to their parents because society has shifted. At least in urban America.”

Tamara acknowledges some comfort level in her current relationship with her parents comes from the fact that she has a male partner; at the same time her LGBT work is a kind of meeting ground. “They’re very proud of the work I’ve done and very supportive of it. My mom especially has been incredibly helpful. We have a toddler and she came out and spent several months taking care of him when we weren’t ready to send him to daycare. I was working long hours. She said, ‘I’m proud of the work you’re doing and that’s part of the reason I’m willing to do this.’ That’s in some ways separate from my orientation and who I am, but it’s also, in my current life, a piece of my being queer that they can connect to because I have a male partner.”

Ron Jackson Suresha, 47, marvels at the differences—and similarities—between bi kids of today and of his generation. Suresha, who is co-editor of the recently released book Bi Men: Coming Out Every Which Way, says, “In many ways, bisexual children are asking the same questions that bisexual children and adults have always been asking: ‘Do I like boys?’ ‘Do I like girls?’ ‘Is it okay to like both?’ Those kinds of questions will always be very important to queer youth regardless of whether they identify as queer, bi, trans, gay, lesbian…. The coming out process for bisexuals—as I’ve come to realize in editing this book, which is essentially, a collection of coming-out and coming-of-age and coming-to-terms stories—for many men, at least, is a multi-layered process.”

The anthology includes first-person stories of men from ages 19-65, and after working closely with coming out stories, Suresha does have advice for the older generation, “We need to pay attention to the stories of bi youth, and give them a stage, a platform on which they can express themselves. A big part of it—for gay men and lesbians, and parents of bisexuals—is slowing down, really learning to slow down, and listen to what the actual experiences are, what their children’s experiences are.”

Suresha was lucky. His parents weren’t just willing to listen—they took the lead. “They sat me down one day when I was 12 or 13 and asked if I thought I might be a homosexual, and I told them no, and they left it at that for quite a while, although they held on to their suspicions for many years, and eventually those suspicions were confirmed in remarkably dramatic ways,” he recounts. “But at that age, I thought a homosexual was a guy who liked to dress up in girls’ clothes, and cross-dressing held absolutely no interest for me. Now, if my parents had asked if I liked looking at naked men, if I was aroused by the thought of physical contact with men, my answer would have been quite different. My guess is that they pretty much knew very early on, certainly before I did, but only because I hadn’t yet developed the vocabulary to describe my sexual state of being.”

Suresha, who calls himself “your typical Kinsey 5,” says his desire for women was somewhat hidden most of his life. He calls his newfound bisexuality a second coming-out. “Not having the right word for one’s sexuality is very common, I believe, for queers of all ages and stripes. I never considered myself bi until I realized that the term applied to me: I thought it referred to people who liked boys and girls equally, and at the same time. Had I known that there are many valid ways of being bisexual, and that my being a gay man with an occasional desire for women is one way of being bi, I would have come out as bi decades earlier.”

Many parents take time to adjust and adapt. Kristyn came out in her mid-20s. “I find it’s very, very confusing for my parents,” she admits. “They met a lot of boyfriends in high school. They’ve struggled with me having a girlfriend. They’ve struggled with my girlfriends turning into men—transitioning. That really broke them…. At that point it just became very confusing, and ironically after all these years, they really like the partner I have now who’s a woman. They’ve never really been keen on any of the people I dated until now.” She theorizes if she were to start dating a man at this point in time, it would completely baffle them.

“Coming out to them with my first female partner was very difficult,” Kristyn recalls candidly. “I was cut out of the family. My mother didn’t speak to me for at least six months. It was a huge crisis for her. My siblings all pitched in to try to talk with her and help her work through it, but she still won’t tell lots of her friends I have a girlfriend.” Does it bother Kristyn? “Of course. It’s awful. But I also, at this point, feel if they’re her friends, that’s her decision.”

In spite of her reservations, Kristyn’s mom has suggested grandchildren via the sperm bank. The question now for Kristyn becomes how to explain she doesn’t want children, period. “I feel being bi—queer—just doesn’t fit into some of those plans parents have for their kids.”

As I interview her, Kristyn and her current girlfriend are preparing to spend the weekend with the family. “My father’s mellowed with age and his perspective is a lot more humanitarian and benign,” Kristyn says. “He really thinks my girlfriend is smart and charming and all the right things. And I think my mother just likes her because she sucks up to my mom.” She laughs, “She totally plays a game that no one else has ever wanted to play, and I don’t play, so she’s actually the good daughter. When I come back I might be single. I might have had enough. No, you go live with my mother.”

According to Cheri MacLeod of PFLAG, the period immediately following a child’s coming out is the most difficult; at the same time it’s the most important. “In those first six months, the growth process is just incredible,” she says.

At 32, my own coming out process is still in progress. In spite of an open and honest relationship where Mom and Dad have let me make my own mistakes and shared in the pride of my accomplishments, the idea of phoning them up and having a direct adult conversation about the fact that I’m bi still scares the hell right out of me! It is this that I hypocritically contemplate as I conclude this article, where others have been so forthcoming about their parental relationships. Do mine know I’m bi? Unquestionably. Can we talk about it? Uh…theoretically…maybe.

(c) Copryight 2006 Emily Schultz

Emily Schultz is a writer and editor living in Toronto.

[ElizabethJane]

Thank you so much for the great article. I have been half in/half out of the closet for a few years. My biggest obstical is with my family and the fact that I am married to a wonderful and supportive husband. If I had come out as a lesbian years ago, my parents would have understood. Now I too feel the pressure of that white elephant in the room. I would love to tell them but I know for a fact that it would go over like a lead balloon. It makes me crazy. On the positive side though, the friends that I have told, both straight, gay and bi, have been extremely supportive of me and a weight was lifted off my shoulders each time I told one of them.

:three:


I know this is an old article but I just wanted to comment to you Reewolf, about your situation. I'm also married, with children and my husband is fantastic. I came out to my mother as a teenager telling her that I was lesbian, however I never came out to my father - I never felt the need to discuss my sexual encounters with my dad. Obviously mom caught on when after I told her I was lesbian that I dated a few women, but also men. She got used to my variety I suppose.

I guess to me - I'm out in every aspect of my life, so if someone point blank asked me if I was bi-sexual I would respond, yes I am. Why do you ask? I actually feel there is no need to actually advertise this however - why should I suppose that people want to talk about my sexual preferences/experiences? After all I don't go around asking people if they're straight. lol

[nahnarocha]

I liked that article very much ! It´s so good to talk openly with others about our experiences!
I got married with the first boyfriend of my life, the brother of my sister´s husband, when I was 21. So, we were 2 sisters and 2 brothers married, but our complains were the same, they were very rood to us, so both of us got divorced after some 14 years marriage. I had 3 kids and graduated in Vet. so I had my own profession to suport my kids after all.
My marriage wasn´t going well anyway, couse we are very unlike.
But, talking about the main reason for me; I started to have dreams of me making love with a woman, and so I told my husband, than his first reaction was to refuse the idea, than, talking about it with a very open mind couple, he said :Ok, since I make part of it!. So I tried evan that, but it did not work, couse the jelousy was stronger than friendship and love. I found a woman that I folled in love with, and as she use to give massage, I sanded my husband to do massage with her, and than I talked about going out all of us, and she agreeded, but in my experience, if 2 to come at the same time is difficult, so imagin for 3. The real point wasn´t that, tha fact is that I falled in love, and I wanted to be with the woman. When I divorced, I was already in love with a woman for years, and after the divorce, I splet from her too. But I suffered a lot, couse I did not have the courage to divorce from my husband, as I did not want to splet from the woman, I wanted to keep both, but I never wanted them to have nobody besides me. I was very jelous and pocessive person. My husband didn´t know about her, but of course she know everything about me, and we could hide it from some people.
My last relationship, was with a very special woman. After a long time, I meat this very special woman, she was married, and she never loved a woman before. But I told her that I was bisexual, but I was having one affair with another woman , and so I splet from the woman I was with, and for being bisexual, I got a boyfriend. Our proposal was to go out once in a while, but it didn´t last, couse we falled in love, and so we both splet from the man and we ended up leaving together in my house. She laft her husband and house, and we lived for 5 years. We were completly loyal to each other, leaving together on all meanings, me and she with 2 of my kids (my doughter Aline 24, with her boyfriend of 29, Diogo my youngest sun with 22), and her only sun (14 yeras old now) . It was too much for both of us to carrie on , couse we mixed everything in only one pack- all together, family, work and love. So she got tired, and she gave up, but I still think that we could have had a better end. I still believe that 2 persons can do everything together in the same spot, and so I still leave and work in the same place, one next door to the other, and I still want someone to leave and work with me. I think that when 2 persons are in love, they have to be true and loyal to each other, with honesty and dignity, to get the best of life, and learn how to be better, and try to be more open to life. There is no way to do good with wrong things, and there is no way to do wrong with good things.
The true is that the real love is unconditional, and when we love, we want to see the one´s we love very happy, and so we set them free, but we are still learning what is really love about, and we still love very conditionally, couse we are human, and limited by a skin a heart, a space, a mind and all the difficulties of our negative side. The real love is peacefull, brightfull and lightfull, so , we have a lot to learn and practice, to develop that inside our hearts.

[mouse46]

:flag3: I came out some 25 years ago my Mom is in the fog my kid sister told me I was ruining my life , what was I thinking of. What about my children.My younger brother doesn't care either way.He tells me he accepts but hear things every now and then . My older sister has made no comment at least not to me. As for my family husband and my daughters they accept me for who I am and the fact that I would love a woman doesn't change their feelings about me whatsoever.Coming out to my children has made me more determined than ever to be myself.To live my life as I choose.After all your happiness, your life is what you make of it bi or otherwise. :flag3:

[sixthickcut]

Coming out is an emotional self imposed barrier...I have never had a problem declaring my sexuality...I was raised up to be respectful of all races,religions,creeds and sexes...those who cast you out over your sexuality are the people who would have cast you out at some point over some other issue, so you are better without them in your life anyways...live free people remember the sun is shining above you even on a rainy day-you just have to see it :bibounce:sixthickcut

[K.D.Lucky28]

I came out four years ago when I was 14 and I wouldn't change that at all.
My parents and friends had a hard time understanding that you even could like both much less that I did...but they go over it and everything is pretty good.

[collegegirl9]

I'm just now coming to terms with my sexuality. I guess it's something that I've known for a long time but have totally compartmentalized and ignored. Now I'm in my sophomore year of college and have a boyfriend who I love, but I also am thinking back upon all the times that I have been turned on by women...and I know I can't ignore that other side of me. As of right now I dont know what to do or who to tell, but this site is a great resource and I'm glad to read others stories.

[johnlebert]

My soon to be ex-wife of 17 years came out as Bi to her parents in her late teens. While it wasn't exactly what they wanted, they gave her their full support and love like any parent should. She has had 3 LTR's with me being the only male. Of course her parents were elated that she was marrying me, a hetro male! Everything gay I learned, I learned from her and her friends. But after I came into the picture, about 90% of her lesbian friends no longer were her friends. I thought it quite odd that she was being discriminated against by gays. As I believe, her bi-ness was not learned, she was born that way. Before I married her, I worried that somewhere down the road she would want to be with women again. And here we are at the divorce. But we are who we are and I love her deeply. I know when I die, she will be the last thing I think of. And she still loves me. I apologize for hi-jacking the topic, but I was wondering if this is a common occurance or not. She is about to go into menopause and I was wondering if hormonal activity is part of her overwhelming desire to be with women. No matter what she will always have my support, I'm just curious and am not looking for a way to try and change her. she is great the way she is.

Thanx....

[DiamondDog]

I'm sorry to raise the thread again after it's been dead so long, but I need to add my 5c.

I'm Ash, and I've just turned 15.
I'm pretty sure I'm bi. In fact, I'm certain.

I really loved the article because it was about the different ways parents and family reacted to their children or family members coming out about being bi.

Neither of my parents know that I'm bi yet, but I plan to tell them soon. I can imagine their reactions; my father (not to be confused with my dad), the homophobic prick I hate, won't take it too well, but like eveything else, he'll have his say for 5 seconds then drop it. However, if he gets as bad as I think he might, he won't drop it.
Mum will do the whole "we love you no matter what you do or are" thing, and remind me that at 15, I can't possibly know who or what I am. I hate it when she does that, but in her place I'm pretty sure I'd do the same.

On the whole, I'm not looking forward to it.
The article gave me some insight into how different people "come out", but I'm still nervous and more than a bit scared!
All my friends know I'm bi, so does the man I call dad (he's not my real dad, but I jut wish he was).

I'm just scared, because I don't know what to say, how to say it, or what she'll react as.

It's just heartwarming for me to nto only know that there are parents worse than mine, but see examples, and know that it still worked out for those people concerned.

I'm sure there's threads with tips on coming out which I'm gonna look for now, but if not, does anyone have any tips?

Many thanks,
Ash

Here's a site that's helpful to you: www.emptyclosets.com

This is a site for legal adults who are over 18.

[Moto1]

Here's a site that's helpful to you: www.emptyclosets.com

This is a site for legal adults who are over 18.

Oh leave her alone! She's not hurting anybody.

[DiamondDog]

Oh leave her alone! She's not hurting anybody.

There are sites and online discussion groups for GLBT/questioning teens, like the link I posted, and this happens to be a site for adults.

Here's a quote from the owner of these fourms:



The reasoning behind the strict 18+ rule here on bisexual.com is twofold...

1. The mission of bisexual.com is to facilitate both the entertainment and education of bisexuals and our friends. The mixing of entertainment and education presents problems regarding minors: Firstly, because intentionally providing sexual entertainment to minors is a crime (and probably rightly so) in most parts of the western world. And secondly, because sites that do mix adults seeking entertainment with youths inevitably have a problem with some adults preying on youths. I think there are sites out there that are well-known to sexual predators for this - I don't want bisexual.com to become one of those sites. By keeping the youths out, we keep the sexual predators out.

2. I am not qualified to run a site that provides education and support to bi youth. I feel strongly that any site that does so needs to be run by qualified people.

So the 18+ rule is written in stone and I don't see it changing anytime in the forseeable future.

- Drew

[Bloodflower]

Eureka! I came out to my parents after college & they were never comfortable with my same-sex lovers. However, when I got engaged to a man, they were thrilled! It was almost a sigh of relief from them that they didn't have to deal w/ the "other half" of my personality. It's sad, but so true for most of us.