To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

[Brian]

One foot in the closet with the door that swings both ways:
To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author14.jpgBy Stephanie Creede

Over the last few decades, the notion of same-sex attraction has increased in terms of mainstream acceptance, legal rights and recognition in some parts of the world. A growing prominence and visibility in mainstream culture is a strong indication that being queer is no longer verboten. The rite of revealing oneself to be gay or lesbian is a virtually universally recognized concept; it would be hard to find many people unaware of what is understood by the euphemistic, innocent-seeming expression “coming out.” However, bisexuals are not as readily recognized as needing this important step.

Coming out is an emotionally trying and sometimes dangerous path towards self-actualization. The decision (and the factors one must consider before it), have been documented and described in ways as vastly different as individuals themselves—even those who’ve never faced such a struggle can identify.

These chronicled stories make a significant case for the importance of coming out; for the well-being and strength of both the individual and the queer community as a whole. The greater the ratio of people openly identifying as having same-sex orientation, the more difficult it becomes for homophobes and moral objectivists to argue that same-sex attraction and sexual behaviour is abnormal or deviant.

While there are scores of movies on the subject, and pretty much every young-adult TV series features the obligatory gay kid and their coming-out saga, there are nowhere near as many depictions of bisexual characters, leaving those of us out here in the real world little to identify with. Revelations of this identity are even more scarce, when they are shown they’re played for laughs (There’s Something About Mary, Dodgeball), an excuse to show girls making out (See: previous) or, the revelation is, by the character, deliberately intended to spark controversy within the narrative, as opposed to an unfortunate consequence (Velvet Goldmine, which, however, in other ways provides a unique and fun display of bi pride)

Another way mainstream entertainment has skirted the issue is to show characters engaging in bisexual behaviour—from kissing (that infamous scene in Cruel Intentions), to “what the hell, I’ll try it” one-night-stands, to relationships with both genders, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) without the character ever addressing the concept of bisexuality. (Was anyone else confused when Willow started dating Tara and suddenly was gay, never mind the years she spent head-over-heels for both Xander and Oz?)

There are few, if any, pop culture representations depicting realistic personalities, be they fiction or not, as they struggle with the need to reveal their bisexuality, no realistic reflections of the diverse issues and reactions one might be confronted with. The reasons to come out are left unclear for the bisexual individual.

So the question is not just whether to come out or not, but also why? What issues are relevant? Who needs to know? Who should know, and when does it become necessary?

Something to remember is that “coming out” is not one singular event, it isn’t a binary “you-are-or-you-aren’t.”. As for those coming out as homosexual, people growing to understand their bisexual identity are never completely “in” or “out” of the closet; coming out is in an ongoing process that never really ends. We are constantly meeting new people and finding ourselves in new situations, and even if you never hide a thing, make it a point to tell everyone from family and friends to disinterested cashiers or your parish minister, and write “I’m Bisexual” on a nametag, one’s sexuality is never implicit; you’re still coming out over and over again as you shift from “undefined” to “defined”.

By that definition, the same logic does apply, to a certain extent, to the straight-identified person as well—nobody “knows” officially if someone is straight until they reveal themselves to be so, but because heterosexuality is seen as the default or “normal” setting to which bi/homosexuality is the “other”, it’s much more likely that one will be “presumed straight until proven otherwise”

This notion is one that is particularly problematic and is quite relevant to the issue of coming out, as it rears its ugly head over and over again the more you explore different societal and communal attitudes and beliefs. By presenting it as a deviation from the norm, as opposed to one of many possible-yet-common options, the subtle yet dangerous precedent is laid out, for the equation of same-sex attraction with the “undesirable other” always present in the dichotomies people find familiar and comfortable: innocent/guilty, normal/abnormal, right/wrong.

It is here that bisexuality has an opportunity to break the dichotomy. While many still lump bisexuals into the “other” category with homosexuals, growing bisexual presence is also slowly introducing shades of grey, thus blurring the boundaries.

In light of this, one issue considered crucial by many, is that by staying silent, you are helping to reinforce the very hierarchy that makes the decision so difficult. Many believe that hiding one’s sexuality is tantamount to agreeing with those who find it something to be ashamed of. Instead, making one’s voice heard, even to the smallest personal degree, will present a dissenting view of those preconceived notions.

The survival and continued progress of establishing visibility and acceptance of the bisexual community, still widely considered socially and morally questionable, is impossible without having the numbers to back it up. However, we cannot accomplish these goals by forfeiting the happiness and quality of life of individuals..

Sacrificing too much personal fulfillment in the name of public good leads to resentment toward your own community if your personal life suffers. When coming out can negatively affect your life, it doesn’t matter how many people are out; if ruined lives are what the public sees of bisexuality, they’ll determine bisexuality is to blame (and likely not their own judgmental attitudes towards it)

In addition to sharing most of the prejudice and bigotry aimed at same-sex attraction, the process of making bisexuality public comes with its own set of new challenges, prejudices and misconceptions. While straight moralizers tend to lump bisexuals along with gays in their denouncement, support from the gay/queer community is often surprisingly lacking, despite the mutual concerns. It’s often seen as a negligible issue compared to their struggle, particularly when many bisexuals have the luxury of “passing” as straight due to appearance or having a partner of the opposite sex.

Everyone has their own unique collection of consequences, pros and cons to weigh, in addition to those more universal attitudes towards bisexuality, when considering coming out. For some, the safety of ambiguity on the matter means they won’t be kicked out of their home unexpectedly without the resources to make it as an adult independently, others choose silence to protect their right to see their children from a homophobic spouse or ex who would gladly paint them as a deviant. For many, however, challenging the prejudices of a parent, ex, or co-worker by coming out as bisexual—and not fitting the negative stereotypes—can be a healing experience after years of collected shame.

Even keeping quiet except for an anonymous account on an internet community space can be a significant and meaningful step forwards into self-acceptance and sharing advice.

Most bi-identified people inevitably choose a level of openness somewhere between the two extremes; bisexuality can fall into a grey area of self-identification. While some people find it a big part of who they are, and a crucial detail in understanding their life, there are those who may experience bisexual feelings but because they’re in a long-term (hetero- or homosexual) relationship, don’t ever see themselves acting on it. For those, it may feel a rather inconsequential part of their self-definition, and may see the subject being blown out of proportion, creating insecurity or trust issues that needn’t be there. However, in these cases it is well worth considering whether your relationship can indeed be healthy if you’re unable to reveal the whole truth about yourself, or to ask yourself if you’re comfortable being with a partner who has firm prejudices about something they don’t know you to be.
A need-to-know basis might work for some, and could be the best solution for all involved. Others might only feel held back by secrecy, and unloading/sharing the information with trusted (and later more casual) friends can be a therapeutic exercise as well with the unburdening of secrets. I personally advocate complete honesty from the beginning, within the context of any sexual or romantic relationship, but others do prefer not to know all the details of issues they may wish to turn a blind eye to, and that too is a highly individual choice to make.

By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.

As in many other areas, the bisexual relationship is forced to question or challenge the social script that exists about acceptable/unacceptable relationship practices. Specifically, there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship.

While this is a broad generalization, we can see examples of how this constructed understanding is reinforced and performed; whether it is not allowing a partner to visit a strip club or partake in porn, judgmental attitudes towards your lover’s past, or even being upset if the partner’s eyes glance too long at a random attractive body, these reactions aren’t challenged, and are in many ways seen as inherently justified…even in your fantasies you should be faithful, it implies.

However, revealing one’s bisexuality, particularly within an existing relationship does not allow for this fiction to flourish or in fact exist at all. Even at its most simple interpretation, bisexual identity is an acknowledgement and admission to (at least!) two potential sources of desire, capable of existing simultaneously within a single individual. While these factors may make the process seem daunting and barely worth the hassle, keep in mind those reasons that make you WANT to come out…think of all the fun you’re opening the doors to! In addition to gaining a sense of community, there’s the possibility of exploring new lovers, new relationships, new ways to experiment, and most importantly, yourself.

Ultimately, the decision whether or not to come out and to what degree is intensely personal, and the variables that affect this decision cannot possibly be summed up across the board with any one sentence or a simple proclamation of DO IT or DON’T. I encourage you to listen to other people’s stories, issues, concerns, experiences and triumphs, considering which factors may be relevant to your own situation.

(c) Copryight 2006 Stephanie Creede

Stephanie Creede performs burlesque as Scarlet Sylphide, when she's not involved in photography (from both sides of the camera), music videos, rock concerts, art exhibitions and fashion shows.

[jedinudist]

Great Article!!!

I decided to come out in so much as I have finally accepted who I am. That's what it meant for me - that I stopped lying to myself, and in turn had to stop lying to everyone else.

It was a cleansing. A purging of the self-hatred and denial I had inflicted on myself for so long.

I'm not screaming it from the rooftops, Im just being me now.

The article has many valid oints I have witnessed and even experienced first hand, especially the assumptions other people may make and society's expectations.

Good Job!

[Azrael]

Wonderful article indeed. I came out because I was sick of living a double life, having no idea how difficult my single life being out would be. I didn't lose any friends, but some were pretty insensitive about how they handled it. One family member told me "this is a dangerous life you're choosing". In spite of all this, I feel better about me for it. I think my family took the whole thing out of context because I was psychiatrically hospitalized right after coming out, leading them to think, "this must be why he's screwed up in the head" or something like that. So what? They're not the ones that have to live with this. As jedinudist said, it was a great purging process of all my self hatred, shame all the screwed up energy I had let build up within me. Since then, things are hardly peachy but they could be a hell of a lot worse.

[Lorcan]

I love it.

especially this: " there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship."

It really is a fiction; i glad you called it that.

[EludedSunshine]

Great article. I especially appreciated this part:


By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.
I'd like to take it a step further... WARNING: I am about to blather on.

Perhaps as bisexuals (or--more likely--as complex people), the "nuclear family" life just isn't right for all of us.

I grew up assuming that I'd either never marry (my preference) or I'd marry a man and we'd eventually get a nice little house with two dogs in the yard (but no kids--that's where I draw the line :tong: ). However, as I grew and discovered myself and my deeper sensibilities, the nuclear lifestyle came to seem infinitely stifling and constricting to my feelings.

Yes, it would be nice to be loved more than anything by one person. For some, that's the ultimate goal in life. But deep down, for many others, it just isn't so. Maybe love on that level isn't necessary for all of us. Or maybe some of us would like to be loved that way by more than one person.

Society tells us that this isn't possible. Society tells us that polyamory and alternate lifestyles are unacceptable. And society does its best to keep us believing that. Maybe that's why we hear of so many problems with romantic relationships involving more than two people. We're taught to expect certain things from others. We're taught to believe that there's no other way. It's amazing how programmed we are; how much we just assume. And it's amazing how much our outlooks can change if we reach inside of ourselves and question everything we've come to believe.

I don't believe that weaving our lives to fit the nuclear model (regardless of what gender we choose to be with) is what really spells acceptance. For those who truly want it, I say, go for it! But for the rest of us? We should be able to choose from an infinite number of lifestyles, because human emotions are so infinitely deep and changing. And not until we are accepted--not because of our lifestyles, but because we're all worthy of acceptance--will we truly have come into this world. As friends. As lovers. As bisexuals. As people.

Ahh... That smells like liberation.

[lson625]

The article and responses are so darn encouraging for this bi who has been hiding for 35 years. Damn our cultural expectations of "acceptable" sexual orientation/behavior. Of course it did not help matters growing up in a right-wing, church going, midwestern farm family with absolutely NO exposure to anything other than the June and Ward Cleaver lifestyle. Since admitting this to my therapist and my husband I have felt some freedom. lson625

[suegeorge]

I first started telling people I was bisexual back in the 70s. Often, they simply didn't believe me - which seems pretty strange now. I guess they didn't believe me because I had only had boyfriends. Girlfriends seemed a bit of a fantasy at that point. Later, lesbians would imply that I was really one of them, but couldn't hack the oppression. All nonsense.
One of the things about being out as bi is that you have to keep on telling people. It's not as simple as people seeing you with a same-sex partner and thinking, "hey, she's a lesbian". I have had a male partner for years but I do talk about my feelings for and past relationships with women to anyone who might be remotely interested!
I think it's really important to be out if you can be, because for so very many people, it simply isn't on the cards. And for other people to know that bisexuality is not just possible, but actually great, they have to know that other bisexuals are out there.

Sue

Bisexuality and beyond (http://suegeorgewrites.blogspot.com)

[miamiuu]

I just think the whole idea that you have to come out to everyone is bullocks. I'm an adult my family doesn't know I'm bi nor do I think it is important for them to know. But I do know I'm bi and in my mind that is all that really matters.

[bisubbie]

Excellent article! For those of us who can come out it helps all of us in the long run. I came out to my ex 2 1/2 yrs before getting married. She always held it against me. When we seperated she outed me to my family. It didn't matter to my parents or my three sisters, and I thought my brother felt the same. Years later when my mom passed away he turned against me in every way. We never got along growing up and when I went in the Army and afterwards I thought all was well. Just a truce apparently. I'm not out to anybody else.

I told my wife when we first met and she turned out to be bi-curious.

Now for me to ramble. I am also out as a witch to family, freinds and coworkers, including a born again I work with, and we get along.

I also a crossdresser and not out with that. I like to go out in public in a skirt away from home and eventually want to come out completely with it, but that is yrs away. I wear women's jeans and t-shirts and people don't know. With all these things, the more people who can come out and do it, the more acceptable they will become, eventually. Us men who prefer skirts are like women were when they wanted to do the "horrible" thing of wearing pants.

I also like being submissive to my wife. I wouldn't mind that being out there someday, but that may never become socially acceptable.

Once again, excellent article.

bisubbie

[shiver]

What is the point? If you can accept who you are, truly accept who you are, then offering the world information about who you are will not matter. However, If you are self-loathing and in dire need of acceptance, then go ahead. One of two things will occur. 1. people will accept you, 2 people will not accept you. It is always 50/50. What matters to you most?I would like to think that people(meaning you) would be more interested in being accepted for who they are removed from overt sexuality. male/female or other whatever you classify yourself as, why lose countless nights of sleep considering how you are seen?
Wake up, go to sleep, eat, wash, talk, laugh cry etc... most everybody will do that, so, what sets you apart from others? it is your own self worth.

The only people who really need to know your sexual identity is
yourself and your current or future partner. However telling your current partner husband wife spouse commonlaw etc.. may only be easy if they too have the same tendencies as you. If you both have the same feelings about sexuality and self-identity, you may find the relationship to be a much more supportive mechanism to both of you.

Just be considerate of others and don't be so concerned about others knowing the real you.

You want to tell the world? go ahead you want to say nothing, then don't
do not let people tell you to say or not to say.... most people come and go in your life so don't sweat it. After all, you have to live with who you are the rest of your life.

[loveislove]

Very good article. I don't know why people are always trying to place every one into a box. For years I thought of myself as totally gay, but as I gotten older I felt the need to have women in my life. This does not set well with many folks who are always trying to place me into a box. Why should someone just limited themselves. If the truth be know, I think that there are more bisexual people than anything else.

[Apleasureseeker]

OK, I'm gonna come out as devil's advocate here. Hetero is the norm, the default setting. No one comes out as straight, or has to. And no one has to come out as gay if they don't want to, either. Nor should they. Coming out is a statement about yourself, made to clear the air, but also made to yourself. If you're gay people will know it, maybe even before you do. Being gay is not the same as dabbling, exploring, accidentally going too far, being forced, or any of those things that happen sometimes. It's an acceptance of a different orientation that neccessitates a self-definition: "'I'm one who swims against the tide." It can be liberating or harmful to the individual, and it can also be very destructive to their relationships, & the people who love them. it's a vote for a different kind of emotional connection, and one that forces everyone to visualize a specific & different set of sex acts. It's also define yourself around the way you fuck. Heterosexuality doesn't do that. But becasue to the person coming out, it's as much about the emotional connection, they want people to understand that its' the heart that needs to connect to another of the same gender, not just genitals. But still the traditional values of love, commitment, connection & monogamy apply.
What are you saying when you come our as bisexual? First thing, the one that bothers everyone, straight & gay: "I want sex with a lot of partners." I mean, bisexual, you gotta have at least two, right? Second thing: "I don't want to commit to anyone." You said you NEED a man and a woman, so when you're with either one, you're missing the other. Third thing:"I like or need gay sex, but I'm not gay." So you're willing to play in the relative safety & marginal acceptance that gays have fought for, but without even a tip of the hat to their lifelong sacrifice. Fourth: "I want gay sex, but not with gay people." Isn't that the assumption? How many girls are 99% queer, fucking & relating only to women, but claiming I'm bi, not gay, because lesbians all have bad haircuts? Well, you get the idea.

[TaylorMade]

I just think the whole idea that you have to come out to everyone is bullocks. I'm an adult my family doesn't know I'm bi nor do I think it is important for them to know. But I do know I'm bi and in my mind that is all that really matters.

That kinda is where I stand at this point in my life. I am living my life for my God and myself, not for my parents or friends. Knowing yourself is alot more important than knowing you've made someone happy. :rolleyes:

*TM*

[kivrin]

Great piece, little sis... one of the things about "coming out as bi" that I think is important is that it helps people to do two key things: recognize that sexuality can be *fluid* (after 14+ years in a relationship with a woman, I'm now mostly dating guys; do I know where I'll be in a decade?); and it also reinforces the point that sometimes sexual orientation IS a choice, and dammit, it's one we're free to make. I'm not a big fan of the argument for rights that based solely on the "we can't help being made this way" line of thinking -- sure, that's true for lots of people, gay, straight and squiggly, but that's beside the point, for me -- no one else gets to tell me what's acceptable or not in who I love and lust after because of their particular strictures.

[bigregory]

What is the point? If you can accept who you are, truly accept who you are, then offering the world information about who you are will not matter. However, If you are self-loathing and in dire need of acceptance, then go ahead. One of two things will occur. 1. people will accept you, 2 people will not accept you. It is always 50/50. What matters to you most?I would like to think that people(meaning you) would be more interested in being accepted for who they are removed from overt sexuality. male/female or other whatever you classify yourself as, why lose countless nights of sleep considering how you are seen?
Wake up, go to sleep, eat, wash, talk, laugh cry etc... most everybody will do that, so, what sets you apart from others? it is your own self worth.

The only people who really need to know your sexual identity is
yourself and your current or future partner. However telling your current partner husband wife spouse commonlaw etc.. may only be easy if they too have the same tendencies as you. If you both have the same feelings about sexuality and self-identity, you may find the relationship to be a much more supportive mechanism to both of you.

Just be considerate of others and don't be so concerned about others knowing the real you.

You want to tell the world? go ahead you want to say nothing, then don't
do not let people tell you to say or not to say.... most people come and go in your life so don't sweat it. After all, you have to live with who you are the rest of your life.
What shiver said.
The article was a good read,I do wish that we were not in the grey area and could be accepted by at least the gay/les community.It gets me angry when they say im gay,damm fags lol.. :flag4:

[chameleon]

As someone who does not identify as bisexual but a) sleeps with and dates women and b) sleeps with but does not date men, I'm living proof of the variety of meanings comprised under the label of 'bisexuality'. And I'm out to everyone about my sexuality (except my parents, but that's another story). Dating women can be tricky at times, unless they are also bisexual in some way. Then there is the added complication of my choice to be non-monogamous (not poly - yes, there's another story there, too).

In any case, sexuality has proven to be a lot more fluid and changeable in my life - especially in the past ten years - than I ever expected. I have also watched lovers and friends go through a similar process. I don't know if I am bisexual or not, and what this means to any other given individual, but I do know that I am always being true to myself and honest with others about the way I choose to live and love and build sexual connections. As for my loved ones, the objects of their love, affection and desire are utterly irrelevant to me. They are part of my chosen tribe and I wish for their happiness, however they choose to define it.

[Cowan]

I say to come out and enjoy it, don't try to hide it as your only hurting yourself, come out and enjoy ;)

[sexybicplinwv]

Always be ture to yourself :flag2:. I new that the age of 9 i was bi. And i like it ' Saying out loud that im bisexual may me feel great about my self :female:

[stillconfused]

Bravo to those of you brave enough to 'come out'. I never will, none of my friends or family would understand at all. Plus I am bi, not truly gay, so why bother? I did try telling my last gf about it, because I had lost interest in sex temporarily. I thought for sure she would at least understand and try to snap me out of it with a good twat lock. But she didn't understand and it was a train wreck boyos, so keep your lips zipped and your fly unzipped. Some things are better left unsaid.

[stillconfused]

I can't believe I wrote that. I am sorry if I offended anyone by the line "I am bi, not truly gay" like being bi is somehow better than being gay. To tell you the truth I would rather be totally straight or totally gay, than bi. It would really simplify things. Sorry for my choice of words all.

[biwords]

Stillconfused. I read your 'truly gay' as meaning 'exclusively gay', and your statement as descriptive rather than value-laden.

[*pan*]

heres my :2cents: on the subject: in a world where all is not accepted i would come out to only who mattered to me, not wanting a lie to destroy what i cherish also to others who are like minded and to others who ask i would not lie but if felt threatened just wouldent answer or change the subject. there lies the old saying none-ya. i would keep it on a need to know bases and some just don't need to know. wife husband and lovers should know. but then this is only my opinion.
peace and blessings >

[calas]

I felt I *needed* to come out to absolutely everybody in my life about being a lesbian, so I did, although it took me decades to finally tell a few people in particular. I no sooner finished the process than I realized that I am *really* bi. Am I going to put everybody through my coming out *again*? No. I don't think so. I am not going to live a lie, but I don't think I need to scream anything from the housetops any more either, because I am not trying to convince *myself* of anything any more. That is just me, and where I am at today. Tomorrow I may be different, or may feel differently. I reserve that right. Anybody I consider getting involved with sexually or romantically will know, and I have told some friends and even some relative strangers, but I don't think I am going to feel compelled to tell everybody in my life. Oh, and I'm done with monogamy, too. ;)

[calas]

I felt I *needed* to come out to absolutely everybody in my life about being a lesbian, so I did, although it took me decades to finally tell a few people in particular. I no sooner finished the process than I realized that I am *really* bi. Am I going to put everybody through my coming out *again*? No. I don't think so. I am not going to live a lie, but I don't think I need to scream anything from the housetops any more either, because I am not trying to convince *myself* of anything any more. That is just me, and where I am at today. Tomorrow I may be different, or may feel differently. I reserve that right. Anybody I consider getting involved with sexually or romantically will know, and I have told some friends and even some relative strangers, but I don't think I am going to feel compelled to tell everybody in my life. Oh, and I'm done with monogamy, too. ;)

Sorry, I keep forgetting to sign...

Cala S

[happyjoe68]

I recently came out to someone who only knew me vaguely. I was worried that she might reject me for it, but she didnt. I was relieved when I finally did so

[iceman1970]

Excellent article. Coming out can, it seems to me, be an intensely personal decision. I'm personally out to maybe a dozen people, perhaps right around half of those are guys I've varying degrees of sexual relations with, and most of the rest are close friends but I'm not really out to my family yet. Maybe I'll come to them one day, maybe I won't. As at least one of the other comments seemed to suggest, the most important thing is being out to yourself. :flag4:

[chitown_guy]

One foot in the closet with the door that swings both ways:
To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author14.jpgBy Stephanie Creede

Over the last few decades, the notion of same-sex attraction has increased in terms of mainstream acceptance, legal rights and recognition in some parts of the world. A growing prominence and visibility in mainstream culture is a strong indication that being queer is no longer verboten. The rite of revealing oneself to be gay or lesbian is a virtually universally recognized concept; it would be hard to find many people unaware of what is understood by the euphemistic, innocent-seeming expression “coming out.” However, bisexuals are not as readily recognized as needing this important step.

Coming out is an emotionally trying and sometimes dangerous path towards self-actualization. The decision (and the factors one must consider before it), have been documented and described in ways as vastly different as individuals themselves—even those who’ve never faced such a struggle can identify.

These chronicled stories make a significant case for the importance of coming out; for the well-being and strength of both the individual and the queer community as a whole. The greater the ratio of people openly identifying as having same-sex orientation, the more difficult it becomes for homophobes and moral objectivists to argue that same-sex attraction and sexual behaviour is abnormal or deviant.

While there are scores of movies on the subject, and pretty much every young-adult TV series features the obligatory gay kid and their coming-out saga, there are nowhere near as many depictions of bisexual characters, leaving those of us out here in the real world little to identify with. Revelations of this identity are even more scarce, when they are shown they’re played for laughs (There’s Something About Mary, Dodgeball), an excuse to show girls making out (See: previous) or, the revelation is, by the character, deliberately intended to spark controversy within the narrative, as opposed to an unfortunate consequence (Velvet Goldmine, which, however, in other ways provides a unique and fun display of bi pride)

Another way mainstream entertainment has skirted the issue is to show characters engaging in bisexual behaviour—from kissing (that infamous scene in Cruel Intentions), to “what the hell, I’ll try it” one-night-stands, to relationships with both genders, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) without the character ever addressing the concept of bisexuality. (Was anyone else confused when Willow started dating Tara and suddenly was gay, never mind the years she spent head-over-heels for both Xander and Oz?)

There are few, if any, pop culture representations depicting realistic personalities, be they fiction or not, as they struggle with the need to reveal their bisexuality, no realistic reflections of the diverse issues and reactions one might be confronted with. The reasons to come out are left unclear for the bisexual individual.

So the question is not just whether to come out or not, but also why? What issues are relevant? Who needs to know? Who should know, and when does it become necessary?

Something to remember is that “coming out” is not one singular event, it isn’t a binary “you-are-or-you-aren’t.”. As for those coming out as homosexual, people growing to understand their bisexual identity are never completely “in” or “out” of the closet; coming out is in an ongoing process that never really ends. We are constantly meeting new people and finding ourselves in new situations, and even if you never hide a thing, make it a point to tell everyone from family and friends to disinterested cashiers or your parish minister, and write “I’m Bisexual” on a nametag, one’s sexuality is never implicit; you’re still coming out over and over again as you shift from “undefined” to “defined”.

By that definition, the same logic does apply, to a certain extent, to the straight-identified person as well—nobody “knows” officially if someone is straight until they reveal themselves to be so, but because heterosexuality is seen as the default or “normal” setting to which bi/homosexuality is the “other”, it’s much more likely that one will be “presumed straight until proven otherwise”

This notion is one that is particularly problematic and is quite relevant to the issue of coming out, as it rears its ugly head over and over again the more you explore different societal and communal attitudes and beliefs. By presenting it as a deviation from the norm, as opposed to one of many possible-yet-common options, the subtle yet dangerous precedent is laid out, for the equation of same-sex attraction with the “undesirable other” always present in the dichotomies people find familiar and comfortable: innocent/guilty, normal/abnormal, right/wrong.

It is here that bisexuality has an opportunity to break the dichotomy. While many still lump bisexuals into the “other” category with homosexuals, growing bisexual presence is also slowly introducing shades of grey, thus blurring the boundaries.

In light of this, one issue considered crucial by many, is that by staying silent, you are helping to reinforce the very hierarchy that makes the decision so difficult. Many believe that hiding one’s sexuality is tantamount to agreeing with those who find it something to be ashamed of. Instead, making one’s voice heard, even to the smallest personal degree, will present a dissenting view of those preconceived notions.

The survival and continued progress of establishing visibility and acceptance of the bisexual community, still widely considered socially and morally questionable, is impossible without having the numbers to back it up. However, we cannot accomplish these goals by forfeiting the happiness and quality of life of individuals..

Sacrificing too much personal fulfillment in the name of public good leads to resentment toward your own community if your personal life suffers. When coming out can negatively affect your life, it doesn’t matter how many people are out; if ruined lives are what the public sees of bisexuality, they’ll determine bisexuality is to blame (and likely not their own judgmental attitudes towards it)

In addition to sharing most of the prejudice and bigotry aimed at same-sex attraction, the process of making bisexuality public comes with its own set of new challenges, prejudices and misconceptions. While straight moralizers tend to lump bisexuals along with gays in their denouncement, support from the gay/queer community is often surprisingly lacking, despite the mutual concerns. It’s often seen as a negligible issue compared to their struggle, particularly when many bisexuals have the luxury of “passing” as straight due to appearance or having a partner of the opposite sex.

Everyone has their own unique collection of consequences, pros and cons to weigh, in addition to those more universal attitudes towards bisexuality, when considering coming out. For some, the safety of ambiguity on the matter means they won’t be kicked out of their home unexpectedly without the resources to make it as an adult independently, others choose silence to protect their right to see their children from a homophobic spouse or ex who would gladly paint them as a deviant. For many, however, challenging the prejudices of a parent, ex, or co-worker by coming out as bisexual—and not fitting the negative stereotypes—can be a healing experience after years of collected shame.

Even keeping quiet except for an anonymous account on an internet community space can be a significant and meaningful step forwards into self-acceptance and sharing advice.

Most bi-identified people inevitably choose a level of openness somewhere between the two extremes; bisexuality can fall into a grey area of self-identification. While some people find it a big part of who they are, and a crucial detail in understanding their life, there are those who may experience bisexual feelings but because they’re in a long-term (hetero- or homosexual) relationship, don’t ever see themselves acting on it. For those, it may feel a rather inconsequential part of their self-definition, and may see the subject being blown out of proportion, creating insecurity or trust issues that needn’t be there. However, in these cases it is well worth considering whether your relationship can indeed be healthy if you’re unable to reveal the whole truth about yourself, or to ask yourself if you’re comfortable being with a partner who has firm prejudices about something they don’t know you to be.
A need-to-know basis might work for some, and could be the best solution for all involved. Others might only feel held back by secrecy, and unloading/sharing the information with trusted (and later more casual) friends can be a therapeutic exercise as well with the unburdening of secrets. I personally advocate complete honesty from the beginning, within the context of any sexual or romantic relationship, but others do prefer not to know all the details of issues they may wish to turn a blind eye to, and that too is a highly individual choice to make.

By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.

As in many other areas, the bisexual relationship is forced to question or challenge the social script that exists about acceptable/unacceptable relationship practices. Specifically, there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship.

While this is a broad generalization, we can see examples of how this constructed understanding is reinforced and performed; whether it is not allowing a partner to visit a strip club or partake in porn, judgmental attitudes towards your lover’s past, or even being upset if the partner’s eyes glance too long at a random attractive body, these reactions aren’t challenged, and are in many ways seen as inherently justified…even in your fantasies you should be faithful, it implies.

However, revealing one’s bisexuality, particularly within an existing relationship does not allow for this fiction to flourish or in fact exist at all. Even at its most simple interpretation, bisexual identity is an acknowledgement and admission to (at least!) two potential sources of desire, capable of existing simultaneously within a single individual. While these factors may make the process seem daunting and barely worth the hassle, keep in mind those reasons that make you WANT to come out…think of all the fun you’re opening the doors to! In addition to gaining a sense of community, there’s the possibility of exploring new lovers, new relationships, new ways to experiment, and most importantly, yourself.

Ultimately, the decision whether or not to come out and to what degree is intensely personal, and the variables that affect this decision cannot possibly be summed up across the board with any one sentence or a simple proclamation of DO IT or DON’T. I encourage you to listen to other people’s stories, issues, concerns, experiences and triumphs, considering which factors may be relevant to your own situation.

(c) Copryight 2006 Stephanie Creede

Stephanie Creede performs burlesque as Scarlet Sylphide, when she's not involved in photography (from both sides of the camera), music videos, rock concerts, art exhibitions and fashion shows.

WOW that was long. to address your question, you don't need to unless you want to actively have long term relationship with a member of the same sex. In the end it is what you feel is best. Though straight people don't come out that theyre straight.

[cosmicjade26]

A great article, i found my bi-side out when i was in high school but never dare did tell anyone, i grew up in a village of "normal" what ever that was at the time, as i grew older i became more of a recluse with my own sexuality and did the "norm" by dating guys which was fine as that is where my main preference lays, i could only explore my other side when i used to go clubbing, the happy ending for me was when i did reveal to my friends my sexuality, most of them accepted it with no worries (i found out one of them in the same position as me) but one in particular did not accept this at all (all because of social up-bringing) but the main person was my husband he was fully supportive of my feelings, and no when i now go out with the girls he doesn't get worried about me cheating because like everyone else i don't have an illness i'm bisexual and if i were to cheat it would be because i'm unfaithfull not because of my sexuality, my parents still don't know my sexuality but that is my choice and i respect and know myself enough that my parents nor my children need to know this at this particualr time in our lives, as long as i and may others out there have respect for themselves we don't need to be shouting it from the rooftops unless we have to.

Take care to all - bi,gay and straight.

[misspuertorico]

I feel we do not have to shout anything from any rooftop. Our feelings are our own and we do have to consider our loved ones, family and children. As long as we are honest with ourselves and do not harm others, what we do is our business. It took me years to realize who I am. First I tried a straight relationship and felt I was missing out on a part of myself. Then I tried a gay one and felt left out. In the end I realized I cannot strap on a label or a lifestyle because I was only lying to myself. I finally found someone who understands me, feels the same way I do and we our honest with each other. It finally works. Yes, sometimes it is very complicated keeping everything "straight" (pun) but we are life partners with family on each side, each has children and we neither include them in our intimate life nor we hurt them in any way but still manage to be honest and happy. Unfortunately nobody knows our true inclinations, that is way too much for people to understand, approve or participate. We do not sleep around or have casual sex. We carefully select our partners and keep a relationship and we are as honest with them as they can possibly accept. To each other we are open and we do not cheat. Our definition of cheating is our own considering our sex life. We have a code and we honor it and it has worked out. Life is hard enough and we deserve to be happy.

[vertigo_balance]

I was in the military so don't ask, don't tell ran my life for a very long time. I "blended" got married (though I actually don't advocate marriage unless you have kids) got out of the military and continued to work for the government I am out to friends and some coworkers but it is still easier to not "rub their noses in it" to keep my job and support my expanded (now we have a girlfriend) family. I hope that when I retire I can plaster "bi" stickers to my car and maybe rub some noses in it but for right now there is no way.

:three:

[richarddennis]

Society is not safe enough to ever come out!

While close friends might know about me, society in general will not!

Unless you live in a pro gay area, the rest of world is a reality that does NOT condone what I do!

[BIMUSCLEBOY2007]

DON'T COME OUT UNTIL AFTER YOU'VE TURNED YOURSELF INTO A HOT, SEXY PIECE OF EYE CANDY!!!

Society will "condone" anything, as long as it's done by a hottie.

My door only swings ONE way. I'm attracted to/sleep with only those men & women who are on the exact same point on the Kinsey scale as I am(Equally Het & Ho...Don't even think about touching THAT one, bub!). It's a "like kind with like kinds" thing for me.

That said, I never considered coming out while I was fat-huge, actually. Not due to bi-shame. No. Because I don't like to see fat, unhealthy-looking bodies as particularly sexual-especially my own former tub of lard(though I did enjoy playing with my B-cups....:)).

In other words, I didn't feel comfortable enough to display my sexuality UNTIL AFTER I FELT SEXY!!!

Think about it. You may jeer, as many have.....until.....

Anyway, when I came out to my family as bi, they all collectively said, "Well, duh!!! Ya like muscle studs and busty women. What else would you be?! Again, we say, duh!!!" And yes, they're all church-going Christians. Actually, they're what Christians claim to be and should be, but rarely are. Actually, they never call themselves Christians. They just call themselves "good, silly-assed people who treat others the way we wish to be treated".

Trust me on this one. Get sexy and no one will give a sh*t about your sexual orientation.
GUARANTEED!!!
Or your dignity back!

[WestTennBiGuy]

Personally, I think this "Coming Out" is Bullshit. I don't feel my sexuality is everyones business. As long as my wife is OK with it, no one else matters. I never thought it was really necessary to be a "Flaming" Bi or to be so Dramatic to put on a show that everyone can look at. I don't need the bullshit hassel from family & friends, giving me a hard time over not being their version of straight.

WestTennBiGuy

[Deetripper]

the article was great and I understand for some it is important to come out to family and friends but for me family and friends don't need to know I have 3close friends that know and as long they know and i can be myself around them know body needs to know (anyway I think its pretty ovious if they cant figure it out on there own then there not ready to know)

[ArtLuvsoral]

As the "elder statesman" in this group LOL, first I agree with WestTennBiGuy...
In my case, I have been in the swinging lifestyle for 26 years first with my late wife and then with the lady I married after her passing (we are now divorced, but still good friends).....Both of these ladies knew I had a curiosity about bi sex activity, however until the past few years, for a guy to mention he was bi, OMG the horror, yet it has always been alright for two women to have fun together......Thankfully that has changed to a degree as more men, married and single, in the swinging lifestyle are admitting to being bi or bi curious and good for them! The amazing thing about it is that it is the wives, for the most part, who are promoting the idea of their husbands being with another man.....
Last year I got introduced to the bi sex scene by a married bi couple at a swingers party and it was a big turn on for my wife, and me, plus she also had her first bi experience as well.....It did not affect us after in any way at all and it's been a good ride thus far.....
I am very comfortable with my sexuality, always have been, and now I have this extra added pleasure and enjoyment.....Other than my ex, the only other person who knows is my business partner and it did not phase him one bit, he is perfectly fine with it....As for other people, friends, family, etc. what I do in my private life is none of their business....
I am happy with myself, at peace with myself and enjoying this new found addition to my life!
Art

[BluesnCoffee]

(Was anyone else confused when Willow started dating Tara and suddenly was gay, never mind the years she spent head-over-heels for both Xander and Oz?)

Thank You! I'm glad someone else noticed...

[Fred_Brice]

As Art said above,

I am also very comfortable with my sexuality, always have been, and now I have this extra added pleasure and enjoyment with other like-minded male friends. Over the years my wife has change her attitude about our sexual life and sex with us is far and few. Once we were very active but now we are not. I still find I need the outlet to engage in some form of sex and if the wife is not willing, there are many men, willing to help you with your sexual release. Some may say that it is not being faithful to our spouse, but I do not agree with that since I do love her very much. I am just doing what humans have done through out time. I try to be very discrete as not to hurt her, but in my mind it is OK as long as it does not affect our marriage. I am happy with myself, at peace with myself and enjoying this new found addition to my life! As for other people, friends, family, etc. what I do in my private life is none of their business.... just my :2cents:

[Catherine]

I think coming out is a very individual choice. I do also agree with the other responders that coming out is mostly for yourself first. There is a lightening of spirit in living honestly and openly with no apologies.

I do agree with the article that not coming out is detrimental to the bisexual community and perpetuates the climate of stereotypes. If no one knows of a "bisexual" then they can think anything they want and never be challenged in this belief.

This article like most things I've read on bisexuality says that bisexuals must "choose." Why? We are bisexuals, not gay, and not straight. Why should we let gay and straights determine how many partners we have at the moment? Who made up that rule? It's ok if that is one's preference, it's not ok if it's forced.

As long as people are truly loved and cherrished and one's life is not all about just the lust, then we will have just as much in common with people who are into "family values" as anyone. Nuclear families are a NEW concept. There is also a saying "It takes a village to raise a child." And I've seen the result of "villageless" children. Not terrific.

Some links that are interesting
The best child raising paradigm? Turns out two fathers and a mother and extended loving family.

Psychology of Fatherhood (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1630551,00.html)

[purplespider]

As someone who does not identify as bisexual but a) sleeps with and dates women and b) sleeps with but does not date men, I'm living proof of the variety of meanings comprised under the label of 'bisexuality'. And I'm out to everyone about my sexuality (except my parents, but that's another story). Dating women can be tricky at times, unless they are also bisexual in some way. Then there is the added complication of my choice to be non-monogamous (not poly - yes, there's another story there, too).

In any case, sexuality has proven to be a lot more fluid and changeable in my life - especially in the past ten years - than I ever expected. I have also watched lovers and friends go through a similar process. I don't know if I am bisexual or not, and what this means to any other given individual, but I do know that I am always being true to myself and honest with others about the way I choose to live and love and build sexual connections. As for my loved ones, the objects of their love, affection and desire are utterly irrelevant to me. They are part of my chosen tribe and I wish for their happiness, however they choose to define it.


you used the word FLUID..in a sentence AND it made sense!

ok..we all have our issues... sexual ,emotional..but kewlies..you sound like rebel without any particular cause..just rebellious in general...

gosh id like to sit your cute butt down and dish..about life!

say..are you a Gemini ?

ok..ive hunted you down..and my pic WAS posted on my ad.should you really desire a pic for a chat..lemmie know!..cause i only wanna chat!

spida

[kinsey2]

I found from past experience that it's "easier" for females to be bi than males. Many guys have this fantasy for two women at the same time. I've never met a woman that wants two men at the same time. After a while of not being trusted when dating women, thus cycing back...their not trusting makes me go have 'fun' somewhere else, it just seems like most women want just one guy, but alot of guys want more than one woman. SO strange!!

The point is...if you're bi, and your're a guy, and you know your girlfriend is a little insecure, don't bring it up, it'll only make things worse. But on the other hand, from previous posts, it's very hard living two lives(gay/str8). Only time will tell if one should expose themselves for who they truely are. Sometimes things happen, and you don't have to say a word.

[biandbi804]

Believe me, you need to be true to yourself. I had bi feelings all my life and in between marriages (2) and other serious relationships, I would experiment with males. Once in a serious relationship with a female, I would remain monogamous and true to her, not revealing any of my bi feelings. Finally, after many failed relationships, I am with a bi woman that totally understands me and it is such a relief. We swing with other couples and an occasional bi single with no guilt or regrets. It is wonderful!
R

[Fred_Brice]

Sounds to me like you have now found someone who you can share you desires with...lucky guy!

[DiamondDog]

I see it as being VERY important to be out as a bisexual male.

You can be out as a bisexual male and it's not a big deal at all.

I prefer the term queer since it encompasses all sexuality that isn't vanilla heterosexuality and genders that aren't "man" and "woman".

I view being out as a queer man as a good thing and I am out to my family/friends, doctor, and I have been out to bosses and co-workers and it's not a big deal at all.

Also I'm out to whoever I date or get into a relationship with, and again it's not a big deal.

[laurence33]

Love the article.well my story is i am a married man of 14 yrs and i have been hiding my secret for all my life. It has affected my life in so many ways and i am finding it really difficult to hide it any longer from my wife. I have never been with an other man but i am finding it really hard to stop myself from thinking about it.
I know your probably thinking what the hell am i doing but i am so afraid of loosing everything i cant bear to tell my wife as i know what would happen. It has had an effect on my marriage and its struggling at the moment but i know deep down its down to my sexuality that has it the way it is. can i go on like this? i mean i have hid it all my life why tell her now or do i risk it all and hope for the best. I am so confused myself i just don't know anymore.so the reason i am replying to this add is to come out or not as bisexual is realy every body has an individual reason and i think do what your heart tells you to do and when i find out i will let you know ......

[jaysunation]

I've indentified myself as bisexual for about 10 years now. I have certain friends that know and other friends who don't. It's been easier for me to deal with since I've been in a long-term monogamous relationship with a woman and I've never "dated" a man. Though I like to play around sexually with a man from time to time I've never had a desire to have a monogamous relationship with one. My wife was pretty much the same way; she experimented with other girls and enjoyed it, but never wanted to pursue a monogamous relationship with a woman.

If anything these feelings made it harder for me to understand that I was bisexual. I felt that to truly be bisexual, I had to have an equal attraction to both sexes romantically and sexually. I thought I might be gay but the physical attraction to women was way too strong.

I have a lot of gay and straight friends and gay friends that will occassionally get drunk and have sex with someone of the opposite sex. I don't know many bisexual people. My gay friends are supportive and understanding but most of my straight friends don't know I'm bisexual.

I identify myself as bisexual more in terms of sensibility than sexuality. My tastes and humor are more "gay" you could say. I don't feel the urgent need to label myself as bisexual because it's obvious.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I thought the artical was interesting indeed. For all of my 30 year marriage I could never reveal that I had participated in a Bi experiance(s) before we married. My Ex would have had a royal Fit, and I would have never heard the end of the ridicule, nor would I have been allowed to share the marriage bed again. That's how bad his Homophobia is...even today.
He never knew that I was Bi, altho he knew that for "Some strange reason" women seemed attracted to me. I usually had to play it off with something flippant, or witty.

Now that I am not with the Ex, I can be free to be Me, and I like it that way. And No, no one else needs to know of my personal life, likes, or desires. The members of my lifestyle group knows that I am "Selectively Bi" and this is fine with them.
Its a marvelous feeling to be able to be ones self after having to be squelched all of those years.
Mnt Kat

[ChsnyNLelandsBsh]

That is a good article....

I came out a couple of months ago...FINALLY!! I was in Jr High when I first felt those "goofy feelings" towards females but didnt put two and two together....I already had feelings for men....

Well I came out and world war 3 came to the household...my whole family denied it and they still deny it....they said that stuff is gross its nasty and I dont wanna hear it!!

If I ever got with a girl...Id be banned from any event my family does...whether its a holiday thing or whatever else we do....

I have went out with one girl and that was when it was total war and turmoil in my life....and I was struggling with my sexuality and coming out without feeling like crap!!

I am now comfortable with it...I have dated many men and they all turned out to be jerks....I never got any satisfaction from them and I am jaded....

I am at the point where I am single...I want to go out with a woman and date a woman but I am battling myself.....If I go out with a woman there will be lots of problems at home....

I dont even want to date a man right now.....

[alaskacouple]

A very well thought out article. I liked that you realize and expressed that 'coming out' is such an individual issue. Of course there is no one best path that will work for all of us - and it's foolish to think that there is.

I also liked that you point out that it is important that people do 'come out' in order to begin to shift the social conscience regarding what is normal human sexuality.

In my own case I follow the 'need to know' path. I don't discuss any personal sexual issues with co-workers, casual acquaintances or family - so they don't need to know that I'm bisexual. I am forth coming to my wife and close friends. I feel that for me to be anything less than honest with those closest to me is both unfair to them and damaging to me.

I believe that my words and opinions expressed to others will in some small way add to the evolving acceptance of glbt human beings. When I don't agree with bigoted anti GLBT opinion, I believe it goes toward changing that opinion . Change comes slowly to societies. Big changes are usually generational in coming. Take for example the civil rights movement here in America; when I was growing up in the 50's and 60's that was all new and radical thinking. Now as I write this we are close to the possibility of electing Barack Obama as president. I guess I think it will be something similar regarding acceptance of the glbt population. And just like with the many non-minority citizens hoping for Mr. Obama's success (raises hand!), so too as more people do see that it's safe and normal to be bisexual others will begin to accept that. It just will take some time.

The one issue I do feel strongly about in regards to 'coming out' is the manner in which it is done. I believe that 'in your face' radicalism does more harm than good to our cause (e.g. Martin Luther King Jr. or Malcom X). The vast majority of the GLBT community are just average citizens trying to live and let live - it is they who will change how America views us. IMHO those in the gay community who stage vulgar parades and demonstrations do nothing to persuade Mr. and Ms. American that perhaps those gay people are ok after all - they in fact do just the opposite and intensify the polarization.

Peace to all

[Jacknsea]

Although the article does touch upon/allude to this, I wanted to post that accepting a bi identify after an exclusively gay one has its own set of issues: "You're 'going straight' now?", "You're trying to prove something!" ... the list goes on.
Really glad I found a site where folks would get that.

[Bi_Druid]

good article

Personally, I found it one of those things where I had to 'come out' to myself, as such, first. Once I did that, I started coming out to others, but if was a gradual process, mostly based on the other parties having the balls to ask first. I still mostly use this rule of thumb. If the other person should ask and present the apparent need or desire to know one way or the other, then I break-the-ice with a gentle quip like "why, are you interested?". This helps filter out the sensible people from the queer bashers, as the sensible people laugh it off and if they are really that concerned I then tell them; where as if they're a trouble-maker then the fronting them out often unnerves them enough to lose interest.

But essentially, I only come-out to someone who actively asks first. Otherwise, I honestly don't see any gain from effectually lumbering them with such personal information that they were probably more blissfully ignorant of.

One regret, if any, about the whole coming out situ was that I didn't come out to my parents a lot sooner than I did. Or more precisely, than my 'friend' did for me. Being outed by a third party, quite round-about unintentionally (the details are somewhat complicated to go into), wasn't nice, and caused some initial agro over trust issues and such for a while between myself and my father. My father, thanks to my mother's far more level head and side-ways way of tackling things, soon 'got over it', as such, and all was forgiven. The fact that my parents always seemed to already know, even long before I did, in that wonderfully divine way parents do, coupled with my parents beautifully accepting and general open mindedness, did help a lot. And for this I am eternally fortunate and thankful.
But I go on a bit. The moral of this is that if there's anyone you 'should' make a point of coming out to, I feel it is your parents, before someone else does it for you. Often, they already knew anyway before you did.

Anyone else, only should they show genuine interest in wanting to know. And then only if you know them to be sensible enough to still accept you for being the same you you were all that time up until their knowing. Any otherwise, it's none of their god-damn business who you choose to share your bed with, just as much as it isn't any of your's who they choose themselves.

Perhaps it's just luck that of where and/or when I was born and live that has allowed me to have such a matter-o-fact, take-it-or-leave-it attitude. If that's the case, then I thank Good Lady Luck for granting me with such. But this way of tackling the coming out issue has served me well insofar, and I am perfectly at peace with myself and happy with my life. I hope that maybe this has helped others who should read my comments.:impleased

[Papelucho]

I don't think it's fair when my sexuality would be such a big deal that it would significantly change a situation. If that's the case, I look for ways to come out so that I feel balance. I don't like to have to "conceal" a part of myself just to keep up the status quo of everyday situations.

There are plenty of times when sexual orientation is not an issue at all, and then, who cares if people know. But if things would be noticeably different if people knew I was bi, then I want to come out, because then I feel peace within myself.

Papelucho

[biwmmnla]

A simple comment......

Why do we, either as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and/or transgendered people, do we feel the need to "come out", as though we are hidden somewhere? Supposed "heterosexual" people don't announce to the world "we are attracted to only those of the opposite sex and we're letting you all know!"

Geeeesh! (...slightly tongue in cheek)....can't we all just get along?

:2cents:

[eddy10]

I do not carry a sign on my forehead that says what my political philosophy might be. Nor, my religious preference, my sexual preference, etc. etc. you get the idea. But, if asked, I will answer truthfully to any inquiries about those things. I am also willing to discuss them in depth.

The same goes for my sexual orientation/preference. If asked, I tell. Want to discuss it, I will. BTW. How about being omnisexual. I think that describes me much better than bisexual.

[jd1300]

:three: I am not sure sure if I understand what this all means ? I mean I find it is hard enough feel comfortable in either a gay or hetro world when I know I am in the middle, I like it there ,I know who I am and I am at piece with that. I feel just as shund from the gay community as the normal or straight community, that seems just the way it is and has allways been. I just do not see any point in announcing my sexuality to the world , is that wrong ? am I suppose to go back to feeling bad about myself for being attracted to both male and female just because I like to keep my presonal life private ? or am i just missing something here.

[srladysmith]

[QUOTE=kinsey2;68614]I've never met a woman that wants two men at the same time. After a while of not being trusted when dating women, thus cycing back...their not trusting makes me go have 'fun' somewhere else, it just seems like most women want just one guy, but alot of guys want more than one woman. SO strange!!

Maybe you are looking in the wrong places.

There is a long history in most cultures of revering the penis and where and how it should be used, and the waste of the "seed of life". Many of our taboos are generated from this. This is seen throughout history.

I wish I could remember what study I got this from you might be interested.

[Lienda]

I think blurting out "I'm bisexual" to a random cashier is a little unnessisary. Lol. I agree with the rest of it though. In one way I feel I need to keep it hush from certain relatives. I don't see the need to discuss it with them either right now really.

[JimInSD]

I have just come out as a bisexual man. Only to my family for now but in time intend to let the world know about my orientation. For years I tried to deny my attractions and hoped my feelings would go away but I finally accepted this is how I am. I really like this article as it touches on many of the things I have gone through in my path to personal acceptance. So, thank you.

[philly1]

i,m happy being me.:male::male::female::female::tong::flag2::wiggl e2::grouphug::cap::flag4::bipride:

[elvisfbs5]

I am still trying to grasp this concept of coming, Who benefits from me coming out?

This will not change my bisexuality, nor me as a whole, but it sure as hell create be more controversial, those who know, knows because they are in the same situation, or find accidentally.

The less crap I have to deal with, the simpler my life will be, I am not looking for acceptation, or affirmation from friends, or Family.

Just want to be the best me I can be, simple and non conspicuous.

[belizeindian]

Female/Bi curious

First of all I am not a good writer. I wanted to add to the conversation. I admire a lot of people in this room.

About me: East Indian family, from the Caribbean. My family do not accept gays. They do not even know or care what is BI/sexual.

There are 2 Bi incident that I could remember as I looked back: When I was (4yrs old) I was molested by my cousing (girl) who was older than me.
Second was with a girl who was my friend at 9yrs old, just playing around. No other incident or relationship with a girl/woman after.

I have always had dreams of a woman being with me. Some times I dream of a handsome guy. I have never been confused because I did not see it as a problem in my life. I got married and have kids and still being married at the moment. I am very open with my life. My kids knows that I like the woman body and if I ever divorce I would settled down with a woman. My husband knows that at any moment I can have a woman friend. He is the one who told me that I am Bi. Growing up I never knew that there was a name for it.

Coming back to my family in the Caribbean I told my mom one time visiting that I am gay-just to see what she would say. She nearly fainted. I meant to let her know that the world is changing and that one day I could take a woman to her and she will have to accept her. I loved the look on her face.lol.
My husband had a gay Aunt and all the family (white Americans in the US) did not like her. I forced him to invite her to all our family get together at our house. He finally accepted her and became her good friend.

I believe that inside of each person we can change ignorance in this world. I do not believe that because I was molested at 4yrs that I am Bi. I have no answer for that. If someone asked me if I am Bi I will say yes, if they want a reason I will tell them why also. I dont believe that I should have to tell anyone because it is not their business, but if you do want to tell, good for you. I belive that I have not yet found that right woman, maybe I will never find her, but I love all gays and Bi in the world.;)

Hats off to all who makes a difference in this world.
Love all colors.

[tx-bear]

I was so totaly "confused" for many years. I figured I was gay, but girls would excite me also. I can't believe it took me so long to realize that I was Bi! How simple that was to realize. I was near 50 when one day it hit me "you are bi"! I can't believe the relief that came over me. It was such an awful experience to me before. I am married and love my wife dearly but I still found myself enchanted when I saw a beautiful man somewhere. I was so confused and felt so guilty for many years in my marriage. Now I know that I am bi and I feel so different. I wish I had the courage to let my wife know...maybe she does and won't talk about it. I am so afraid to hurt her by talking to her about it so I haven't and probably never will unless I get caught with another man someday. I hope that never happens. Yes, the guilt is still there when I do make a contact, but I can't live on "one side", I have tried and it's very painful to me. I don't think the man upstairs will send me to hell for this feeling or my actions. I believe he makes everyone on the planet and he doesn't make mistakes, so I feel I will be forgiven and that's how I now live my life. I admire everyone who is "out" or "in", they are facing the same thing(s) we do and it's their business where they want to be. God bless us all:flag3:

[samantha x]

i believe, it is easier to come out and tell your family and friends, because you are still the same person, nothing has changed bout you, accept your sexuality and if people dont take it the right way, well hey they arnt worthi= knowing.
i still havent come out to my parent yet, because im scared, but if have learnt something, your friends are always gonna be their to support you no matter what happen.:)
gd luck babe x

[Karasel]

i believe, it is easier to come out and tell your family and friends, because you are still the same person, nothing has changed bout you, accept your sexuality and if people dont take it the right way, well hey they arnt worthi= knowing.
i still havent come out to my parent yet, because im scared, but if have learnt something, your friends are always gonna be their to support you no matter what happen.:)
gd luck babe x


I agree friends are way more supportive than family. I still have family members that refuse to talk to me because of my sexuality, but I haven't lost one friend.

.. Who says "blood is thicker than water."

[runwildtonight]

I just came out to my whole family (at least all those who live in the country). It was after everyone was done opening Xmass gifts, I was crying like crazy for some reason and taking a puff of marijuana between sentances. I finally said I'm bisexual and they all hugged me and said "is that all?" I went to the bathroom to vomit from sheer nervesouness; at my return I found my family gathered again opening a bottle of champagne. They had a toast of champagne ( me with my marijuana) to me for my courage to come out. I was more shocked at how well they took it than they were of the news. They have had questions in the few days since and while it hasn't been as festive to it anymore I know my family loves me and are going to let me enjoy being myself.

Intresting question my brother asked was wether he can call me a fag (playfully) still- I told him I'd get back to him on it. The rest unplesantly dealt with my poor health and if any of my doctors knew(not yet). I'll tell my GI soon since I have questions about it myself about my sexuality affects my health( in my case it happens to actually be important but won't go into it today).
Well wanted to share that with everyone. :bipride:

[MrsQuagmire]

i am bisexual for almost 4 years...and only 2 persons know.
my ex girlfriend and by best friend.
i don't think i would ever have the courage to admit to my family or my friends.
i am afraid of rejection.

[Giggles100]

I would never tell my mum and dad or anyone else in my family. Luckily I live in a city away from where my immediate family lives so I'm more or less free (I'm out to all friends and work colleagues) and live in quite a liberal household with another Bi guy and a Lesbian so free to have my BF/GF over for tea and bumpy cuddles.

The pride bracelets and stuff come off when visiting/being visited by family though. We have a pact in the house that when family is visiting any of us we don't talk about gay stuff. It kinda feels wrong but at the moment I couldn't bring myself to say anything :).

[WickedOnyx]

i am bisexual for almost 4 years...and only 2 persons know.
my ex girlfriend and by best friend.
i don't think i would ever have the courage to admit to my family or my friends.
i am afraid of rejection.

Me too. Only my girlfriend and a few others know because they understand. I want to experiment some more but I'm kind of too nervous and don't know how to go about it. Maybe i'll go to a gay club but explaining that to my g/f would be strange. She'd wanna go with me so she could find a female, but for me trying to find some guy infront of her seems awkward.

[astimegoesbi]

What are you saying when you come our as bisexual? First thing, the one that bothers everyone, straight & gay: "I want sex with a lot of partners." I mean, bisexual, you gotta have at least two, right? Second thing: "I don't want to commit to anyone." You said you NEED a man and a woman, so when you're with either one, you're missing the other. Third thing:"I like or need gay sex, but I'm not gay." So you're willing to play in the relative safety & marginal acceptance that gays have fought for, but without even a tip of the hat to their lifelong sacrifice. Fourth: "I want gay sex, but not with gay people." Isn't that the assumption? How many girls are 99% queer, fucking & relating only to women, but claiming I'm bi, not gay, because lesbians all have bad haircuts? Well, you get the idea.

When I come out as bisexual, it only means that I am attracted to both sexes. It does NOT mean that I NEED a man AND a woman and certainly not at the same time as I am monogamous. Your third and fourth points were pretty similar. No, I do not NEED gay sex either. My bisexuality means that though I am attracted to both sexes I only love one person and am not as flippant as you might think. However, after a break up, I myself do not know whether my next love will be a man or a woman. For me, it's not only about the physical pleasures.

[69luvr]

I was in the military so don't ask, don't tell ran my life for a very long time. I "blended" got married (though I actually don't advocate marriage unless you have kids) got out of the military and continued to work for the government I am out to friends and some coworkers but it is still easier to not "rub their noses in it" to keep my job and support my expanded (now we have a girlfriend) family. I hope that when I retire I can plaster "bi" stickers to my car and maybe rub some noses in it but for right now there is no way.

:three:


I strongly agree with you. Why wake a sleeping dog?

[bowie_boy]

I'm still new to this site but I most say this is a brilliant article. As you have stated there is more acceptence now towards same sex relationships then in past. I fully agre with you. In the early eighties as a bisexual teenager who was brought up in a christian conservative household I know how bad we were treated during that time period. But before the general public found out that Rock Hudson died of aids the acceptance of bisexuality at leat in the part of pa. I lived in was becoming more than tolerable amongst others my age and the Twenty-something community. While Rock Hudson's aids related death exposed the public to the fact that aids just wasn't something that was just happening to Gays and Bisexuals without money, It also divided the acceptence of the bisexual in the part of Pa. I lived in.

I state this because deaspite the leaps and bounds that has been made for those of us with alternative sexual needs it only take one controversial incident to change said perception. So From where I stand as someone in my earlier forties who has known he is bisexual since about the age of 11 the lack of acceptence from the straight and gay community is devastating. I believe as a human being and a bisexual male that promoting understading of someones beliefs and sociopschological makeup is the only to continue to make head way in this fight for acceptance. Despite knowing one has to be vigilant in this pursuit the question remains is there ever such a thing as too much acceptance if It only takes one incident to cause a backlash.

Here's a qoute from Bob Dylan: "I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom." It's A comment I throughly agree with because in this eco-political climate in which we live to many have forgotten this statement. I belive we live in a socity where public opinon can and will change about every thirty seconds due to the rapid information that is increasingly arriving at the end of our fingertips.

Your article is brilliant and herioc because in your writing you show an understanding of freedoms responsabilties. Keep the writing up and continue to stand up for your personal beliefs. I believe this community needs more individuals like you.

[silkydave]

i came out to my therapist last weekend, first time i have said "i am bisexual" face to face with anyone, wow it was a relief but now all these thoughts...what now ? should I tell my wife....have told 2 friends but not face to face, over the internet and phone. they were very supportive...saying it out loud though was a relief, weird, confusing, therapeutic, etc.....let's see what happens from here

[firefighter38111]

I have several problems with coming out.
1.) I don’t know where I am coming out from. I am married and wife will never admit to being bi or at least her previous experiences. Hence those dosents allow her to enjoy her feelings. We have talked at length about me being ok with her bi feelings. I actually know the lady she was with and it happened between her divorce and our marriage. We have been married 8 years but she gets almost angry at my talking about it so we avoid the subject.
2.) I am not sure if I am bi although I have to be greatly curious. My sexual identity is not really known to me. We have 2 kids from previous marriages so we know neither of us is gay but do I have bi tendencies. I have wondered how it would be to be like a female and experience a guy. In other words; my wife gives oral to me so I would love to be in her position and give oral to a guy.
Here is where both of our sexuality gets blurred. We both came from almost abusive sexual marriages prior to ours. My then wife informed me; that 4.75 and thin just wasn’t cutting it sexually and we stayed married 6 years and had one child. She had some affairs and then it was time for her to move on. She cared little about foreplay and needed the big one for her orgasm. My now wife’s ex was well endowed and thought all he needed to do was slam it home. He thought oral sex on a female was dirty and hence she was left high and dry. We met we dated actually for 3 months before we tested the bedroom due to our insecurities. Wow! We both enjoyed it. We talked about our past and I love oral and lots of foreplay. Size was not an issue to her. She is a squirter and multi and we are still very pleased. Some where in the fun I became her g/f a few times and we role played that and it was so awesome. I had come from a marriage where an orgasm was rare if any to a marriage where my wife soaks the bed as we began to share more. She loved my feminine side and soon I was wearing panties and that was a plus and as we began to accept my feminine side more the fun got even better. We did talk about a continual role playing of me being her g/f or bitch depending on her mood for a straight 4 year time frame and we both agreed we were having fun and why stop. What makes it work is for me it’s a complete role reversal. Out side the house I am a gym rat and firefighter and former navy seal. I am 6-0 and 212 but inside the home I’m all female sexually. I go from my job or gym in white Boyshorts by Hanes to red or yellow bikinis around the house and for our fun time. I have some pink hot bikinis of all styles. We have even changed the nomenclature of my penis to my over sized clit. She laughs and tells me clits belong in panties. We have even joked on phone or texted that morning, “So what you want tonight clit to clit”? Intercourse is rare we have a vibe for those stretching movements. We both prefer me being Lisa and oral and fingers and lots of foreplay. She then usually gets on top and slides along my clit and when she is ready to start squirting she raises up and I massage my clit against hers and that’s hot. I don’t have to be inside her to have orgasms anymore. We have ventured outside our box a few times with me Cumming in her and she getting on top and squatting over my face and I clean her up. She asked me once if I wanted another mans cum in her and me cleaning her up and I said I wasn’t sure.
I really think I would feel like a girlfriend watching her getting a real cock and now I only have a clit. (Damn I have never been so honest). She hasn’t asked again and I have had fantasies of this. I do enjoy watching well endowed men in the shower at the gym but I am not sure if that’s penis envy or my hidden feelings of bisexuality.
3.) We live in small town USA and even though our sex life is pretty hidden it would be unacceptable outside the house. We both have high profile jobs. There is only one person that really knows and that’s her 20 y/o daughter who husband is in Afghanistan and she is cool with it. She is even comical about it. “Mommy must want some tonight you’re in pink lacy ones”
Neither of us knows what we would come out to but we are pretty open and honest to each other so there may be more fun out there.
Any suggestions…sorry about the length of response.

[jakers201]

undecided he he

[jakers201]

undecided he he

[silkydave]

someone said it best in a previous post, as long as you out to yourself the rest doesn't matter. Profound statement as it relates to self acceptance and ridding yourself of self loathing that leads to emotional upheaval. I am out to 2 friends and my therapist, wife is next to know as i just figured it out myself after all these years. :bigrin::flag4:

[orangejelly]

:flag4: well, we (I'm the woman) are both bisexual and it took us years to see it in ourselves. For me, even though I knew and would happily be accepting of anyone who said they were bisexual (incidentally I didn't meet any) it wasn't on my radar to think about! So 11 years of marriage and four kids later being bisexual isn't a secret but its not something that pops up in topic. So if anyone bothers to read my online profiles they will see it and if not they wont know. I wish I could 'come out' and enjoy that breath out and maybe have conversation but its a no :( its just not relevent, we know people but dont have close friends to tell.

...on the other hand my husband (and I agree with him) believes the kids (they know and the eldest is 11) time growing up might be difficult for them if 'everyone knows' and homophobia or be it biphobia exists and anything like that is worse for kids.

[Cricket74]

Well, I wish I were as confident as many of you seem to be. I told my husband 10 years ago, when we were just dating, that I was bi. He seemed okay with it, but I don't think he truly gets it. I care for him a great deal, but find after a significant amount of turmoil in our relationship, which resulted in his major mistreatment of me, I feel less inclined to share any more with him. With the exception of telling my husband, I have only come out to my sister, who was very supportive, and a couple of friends, also supportive. I guess I struggle with my strict religious upbringing and that keeps me from feeling I can be myself. Currently I feel more drawn to the female gender for emotional and sexual contentment, but because I am married and trying to live in a monogamous relationship, I just don't go there. I am seriously conflicted. I just don't know what to do.:(

[chapear]

I'm going through the journey of coming out as its an ongoing step. The only people that I won't tell are the guys at work because of their biphobic/homophobic views, as for the people that I've known my whole life some know and some don't. The ones that don't will eventually. I have it included in my profile on the various websites that I'm on. As for everyday life, I don't go around advertising that I'm bi but if someone asks me about my orientation I'll tell them or if they ask if I'm gay, I'll correct them. My mom knows but I'll tell the rest of my family the next time I visit them. I told my ex-wife when I realized that I was bi. That was one of the things that lead to our break-up. My current girlfriend knows I'm bi, she is too. My boyfriend also knows that I am, he's gay but bi-curious. I believe that you shouldn't have to hide anything or who you are from the people you love. If they can't accept it, things can get really difficult. As I tell more people I feel more and more free. "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind."

[Billy T]

Like most things bi- it depends I agree with an earlier post that said if your girl friend is insecure- it's not worth it. In my case I had the biggest crush on the guy who introduced me to my girl friend-her ex-boss whom she completely loathes now- imagine how I feel . I tread careully because I don't want to lose either of them. I must point out that the guy is not my lover- my girl knows her ex-boss and I love each other very much (just as friends) and that alone causes her pain. so when I speak to him. I' don't mention it to her-she really doesn't want know.
So I would say when it comes to coming out if you're a bi-guy take it on a case by case basis-LOL when I was in college I found out that if I said I was bi- most straight guys would think I was attracted to them -and if I wasn't their feelings would be hurt! so strange . When I said I was bi to most straight girls they would assume I wasn't interested in them (even if I was)- so so strange. To repeat what has already been said so wonderfully well else where on this thread the most important person to come out to is -yourself
stay sexy my friends!

[mr swallow]

I am not cumming out to anyone,I did say to my wife that I thought I may be Bi she said you can leave.So I said I was kidding,but I am kidding my self.I am Bi and I love it,today I had oral sex with someone same age as myself,never had an uncut cock.But I will be having it again on a regular basis as he said to me he said my exwife never sucked it & swallow she would Spit it out.So bring the cocks on my mouth is willinndle is the deepthroater:eek::2cents::tong::cool::rolleyes::ma le::bipride:

[cannot know]

As a married man, I can only tell anyone that is in my shoes, that this is dam cheating. I cannot control myself, my attraction towards other men are real. My belief is my wife will understand and not spread it all over New York, its time to come clean, I would rather gamble on the odds, then to loose the whole card game. lol

[bauer]

Ok, that was a long read... so it has me thinking, who am I out to? A select few people. I agree w/ some of the folks here that it is something you don't yell from the rooftops, on the other hand, with all future relationships, I believe I have an obligation to let it be known to my next lover/partner that I enjoy oral sex with either sex but really only can truly love a woman.

[mr swallow]

I am not out.Why do I have to Cum out I have a selact group of Married men who enjoy oral sex with our group we don't get it at home & why upset the apple cart if we 5 or 6 married men can have oral sex ( NOT ANAL ) then we are just BI.I am sorry if the previous writer feels it's wrong. No one is going to be hurt here.So we 5 or 6 will continue to have oral sex until death do us part then I will Cum out:three::eek::tongue::bigrin::cool::flag3::cool: :2cents::tongue::2cents:

[cuttin2dachase]

I am not "out" either and I don't wish I were "out". I live in a rural area where almost everyone knows everyone else and where bi-ness is automatically equated with gayness and with disdain. I am 400 miles away from my immediate family so I do not fear them discovering I am bi, however I will be shunned and maybe even fired or run outta town on a rail if my employer or co-workers and str8 friends ever find out I like sex with men, too. But bottom line is that being closeted bi is just sooo secret and taboo and exciting..... and that is a major part of the turn on for me..I don't think I'd get as sexually excited if I were out....does that make sense?

[mr swallow]

:flag2::male::male::male:I want to tell my wife who is very sick with Cancer & not able to perform sex with me that I have desire's.I dont want to leave her I wont to take care of her be there when she needs me,But I need to release my sexual tenshions that have been built up in my body.I am always twisting my male nipples & the felling I get is uncontolable sometimes as I am a man. I want to taste cum jim crem sliding down into my stomach.I have in the past deepthroated many white cocks primarly married men who do not get it at home we meet I deepthroat and sometimes swallow there load's of hot jism,It seems sometimes I cannot get enough.We meet 3 day a wk for oarl sex Only no anal sex that's an exit only. I am afraid if I tell my wife she will either die,or kick me out.I Don't want to leave her but I have desires that must be taken care of.I am tired of susie palma & her sister.Need advise. Have been married for over 24 years.

[mebi2]

Yea I know the felling of wanting to consume a cock. I have never done it but would like to try and have the\at warm cream trittle down my throught and into my belly.

["Blow Job"]

On New Years Eve, I finally told my wife of 35 years, that I give BJs. She has accepted it so far. I don't plan to advertise it to family or friends, since that's usually when you find what real family or friends they are.

[mebi2]

If you didn't live so far away we could take care of each other. Then we would find out of we really enjoyed it. But no anal.

[LaUrEn xx]

I came out in 2010 to all my friends after i realised id fallen completely in love with my best friend. I had waited years to tell her i guess i finally got the courage to tell her, but at first she didnt tell me she felt the same, i felt like such an idiot to think she would ever love me never mind like me. But a year later she told me i was happy but lately..ive been thinking have i left behind who i was to become who i really am? i know it was a good decision because i feel happy i just hate all the judgement we get constant little name calling it does get to me but i dont tell her because i want her to think were okay and we can handle it but its just tough, i cant wait till i get to just take her away from everyone and start a new life. I dunno if that will help us..will it?

[softfruit]

It probably will Lauren - one of the things most of those "it gets better" videos miss out about LGBT life is that "it gets better"... eventually! Hang in there :)

[cuttin2dachase]

I still choose to not come out and I never will come out to my family or co-workers or str8 friends & neighbors. I still prefer women to men and will give up my bi side if I meet a str8 woman whom I want to be with..best case scenario would be to meet a bi or otherwise sexually adventurous woman who is non-jealous and sexually open and playful like me so I don't hafta give it up, nor she :) I will come out to her and the people we choose to meet as I do now...to only the bi people I meet now. Being currently unattached and free to do what I want with whom I want is more exciting and naughty and fun than being in a hetero relationship. The sex is drama-free, natural and I feel no guilt!

[AnthofEngland]

My God girl what an awesome article! I have a short attention span and I was HOOKED!! Nice one :)

[lostandfound77]

loved the article I just came out as bi it was such a relief if your reading this & still in the closit well it feels so much better to be out

[Dark Fiend]

Although I do go a an LGBT club at my college, the idea of coming out to my friends and family is just too scary right now, especially since i don't know how they would react. Though there are many times where I just wish I could scream it out and just not care what their reaction is. I started realizing that I might like guys in my senior year of high school and for 2 years after that struggled with my identity big time. Now a junior in college and a long-distance boyfriend that no one knows about, I feel like I'm taking minor steps into acceptance, but it's going to be a long journey.

[baseball262626]

I'm Bi like to play with men and lady and some time both at the same time :tongue:

[reddc513]

I'm Bi like to play with men and lady and some time both at the same time :tongue:
:flag2: are you male or female

[pheonix6]

;)A really great article!!!!! I found threads of it in my present life. I have only let my mom and brother know about my new freedom of self.......I will not use that phrase "coming out", just does not make sense to me....should be something like "realizing my total inside spirit"....anyway this decision has freed my mind, body, and soul to totaly enjoy life...world might be an oyster, but I need my cracker and hot sauce too....Peace....Pheonix6;)

[smokindeist]

I suppose one way to deal with bisexuality in the family is to use a "Sister Wife"/"Brother Husband" concept. However, this is a solution you have to approach carefully to minimize jealousy and hurt feelings.

I'm still coming to terms with my sexuality so I have a ways before I'm really ready to come out of the bi-closet. I do think I will eventually come out--especially if I end up writing something that becomes really popular.

[newlynymphos]

I'm only "out" to my wife (she knew before we married :) ) the swinger community, and select friends. Wish could be "out" for everyone, but that won't happen!

[Sexter 51]

One foot in the closet with the door that swings both ways:
To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author14.jpgBy Stephanie Creede

Over the last few decades, the notion of same-sex attraction has increased in terms of mainstream acceptance, legal rights and recognition in some parts of the world. A growing prominence and visibility in mainstream culture is a strong indication that being queer is no longer verboten. The rite of revealing oneself to be gay or lesbian is a virtually universally recognized concept; it would be hard to find many people unaware of what is understood by the euphemistic, innocent-seeming expression “coming out.” However, bisexuals are not as readily recognized as needing this important step.

Coming out is an emotionally trying and sometimes dangerous path towards self-actualization. The decision (and the factors one must consider before it), have been documented and described in ways as vastly different as individuals themselves—even those who’ve never faced such a struggle can identify.

These chronicled stories make a significant case for the importance of coming out; for the well-being and strength of both the individual and the queer community as a whole. The greater the ratio of people openly identifying as having same-sex orientation, the more difficult it becomes for homophobes and moral objectivists to argue that same-sex attraction and sexual behaviour is abnormal or deviant.

While there are scores of movies on the subject, and pretty much every young-adult TV series features the obligatory gay kid and their coming-out saga, there are nowhere near as many depictions of bisexual characters, leaving those of us out here in the real world little to identify with. Revelations of this identity are even more scarce, when they are shown they’re played for laughs (There’s Something About Mary, Dodgeball), an excuse to show girls making out (See: previous) or, the revelation is, by the character, deliberately intended to spark controversy within the narrative, as opposed to an unfortunate consequence (Velvet Goldmine, which, however, in other ways provides a unique and fun display of bi pride)

Another way mainstream entertainment has skirted the issue is to show characters engaging in bisexual behaviour—from kissing (that infamous scene in Cruel Intentions), to “what the hell, I’ll try it” one-night-stands, to relationships with both genders, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) without the character ever addressing the concept of bisexuality. (Was anyone else confused when Willow started dating Tara and suddenly was gay, never mind the years she spent head-over-heels for both Xander and Oz?)

There are few, if any, pop culture representations depicting realistic personalities, be they fiction or not, as they struggle with the need to reveal their bisexuality, no realistic reflections of the diverse issues and reactions one might be confronted with. The reasons to come out are left unclear for the bisexual individual.

So the question is not just whether to come out or not, but also why? What issues are relevant? Who needs to know? Who should know, and when does it become necessary?

Something to remember is that “coming out” is not one singular event, it isn’t a binary “you-are-or-you-aren’t.”. As for those coming out as homosexual, people growing to understand their bisexual identity are never completely “in” or “out” of the closet; coming out is in an ongoing process that never really ends. We are constantly meeting new people and finding ourselves in new situations, and even if you never hide a thing, make it a point to tell everyone from family and friends to disinterested cashiers or your parish minister, and write “I’m Bisexual” on a nametag, one’s sexuality is never implicit; you’re still coming out over and over again as you shift from “undefined” to “defined”.

By that definition, the same logic does apply, to a certain extent, to the straight-identified person as well—nobody “knows” officially if someone is straight until they reveal themselves to be so, but because heterosexuality is seen as the default or “normal” setting to which bi/homosexuality is the “other”, it’s much more likely that one will be “presumed straight until proven otherwise”

This notion is one that is particularly problematic and is quite relevant to the issue of coming out, as it rears its ugly head over and over again the more you explore different societal and communal attitudes and beliefs. By presenting it as a deviation from the norm, as opposed to one of many possible-yet-common options, the subtle yet dangerous precedent is laid out, for the equation of same-sex attraction with the “undesirable other” always present in the dichotomies people find familiar and comfortable: innocent/guilty, normal/abnormal, right/wrong.

It is here that bisexuality has an opportunity to break the dichotomy. While many still lump bisexuals into the “other” category with homosexuals, growing bisexual presence is also slowly introducing shades of grey, thus blurring the boundaries.

In light of this, one issue considered crucial by many, is that by staying silent, you are helping to reinforce the very hierarchy that makes the decision so difficult. Many believe that hiding one’s sexuality is tantamount to agreeing with those who find it something to be ashamed of. Instead, making one’s voice heard, even to the smallest personal degree, will present a dissenting view of those preconceived notions.

The survival and continued progress of establishing visibility and acceptance of the bisexual community, still widely considered socially and morally questionable, is impossible without having the numbers to back it up. However, we cannot accomplish these goals by forfeiting the happiness and quality of life of individuals..

Sacrificing too much personal fulfillment in the name of public good leads to resentment toward your own community if your personal life suffers. When coming out can negatively affect your life, it doesn’t matter how many people are out; if ruined lives are what the public sees of bisexuality, they’ll determine bisexuality is to blame (and likely not their own judgmental attitudes towards it)

In addition to sharing most of the prejudice and bigotry aimed at same-sex attraction, the process of making bisexuality public comes with its own set of new challenges, prejudices and misconceptions. While straight moralizers tend to lump bisexuals along with gays in their denouncement, support from the gay/queer community is often surprisingly lacking, despite the mutual concerns. It’s often seen as a negligible issue compared to their struggle, particularly when many bisexuals have the luxury of “passing” as straight due to appearance or having a partner of the opposite sex.

Everyone has their own unique collection of consequences, pros and cons to weigh, in addition to those more universal attitudes towards bisexuality, when considering coming out. For some, the safety of ambiguity on the matter means they won’t be kicked out of their home unexpectedly without the resources to make it as an adult independently, others choose silence to protect their right to see their children from a homophobic spouse or ex who would gladly paint them as a deviant. For many, however, challenging the prejudices of a parent, ex, or co-worker by coming out as bisexual—and not fitting the negative stereotypes—can be a healing experience after years of collected shame.

Even keeping quiet except for an anonymous account on an internet community space can be a significant and meaningful step forwards into self-acceptance and sharing advice.

Most bi-identified people inevitably choose a level of openness somewhere between the two extremes; bisexuality can fall into a grey area of self-identification. While some people find it a big part of who they are, and a crucial detail in understanding their life, there are those who may experience bisexual feelings but because they’re in a long-term (hetero- or homosexual) relationship, don’t ever see themselves acting on it. For those, it may feel a rather inconsequential part of their self-definition, and may see the subject being blown out of proportion, creating insecurity or trust issues that needn’t be there. However, in these cases it is well worth considering whether your relationship can indeed be healthy if you’re unable to reveal the whole truth about yourself, or to ask yourself if you’re comfortable being with a partner who has firm prejudices about something they don’t know you to be.
A need-to-know basis might work for some, and could be the best solution for all involved. Others might only feel held back by secrecy, and unloading/sharing the information with trusted (and later more casual) friends can be a therapeutic exercise as well with the unburdening of secrets. I personally advocate complete honesty from the beginning, within the context of any sexual or romantic relationship, but others do prefer not to know all the details of issues they may wish to turn a blind eye to, and that too is a highly individual choice to make.

By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.

As in many other areas, the bisexual relationship is forced to question or challenge the social script that exists about acceptable/unacceptable relationship practices. Specifically, there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship.

While this is a broad generalization, we can see examples of how this constructed understanding is reinforced and performed; whether it is not allowing a partner to visit a strip club or partake in porn, judgmental attitudes towards your lover’s past, or even being upset if the partner’s eyes glance too long at a random attractive body, these reactions aren’t challenged, and are in many ways seen as inherently justified…even in your fantasies you should be faithful, it implies.

However, revealing one’s bisexuality, particularly within an existing relationship does not allow for this fiction to flourish or in fact exist at all. Even at its most simple interpretation, bisexual identity is an acknowledgement and admission to (at least!) two potential sources of desire, capable of existing simultaneously within a single individual. While these factors may make the process seem daunting and barely worth the hassle, keep in mind those reasons that make you WANT to come out…think of all the fun you’re opening the doors to! In addition to gaining a sense of community, there’s the possibility of exploring new lovers, new relationships, new ways to experiment, and most importantly, yourself.

Ultimately, the decision whether or not to come out and to what degree is intensely personal, and the variables that affect this decision cannot possibly be summed up across the board with any one sentence or a simple proclamation of DO IT or DON’T. I encourage you to listen to other people’s stories, issues, concerns, experiences and triumphs, considering which factors may be relevant to your own situation.

(c) Copryight 2006 Stephanie Creede

Stephanie Creede performs burlesque as Scarlet Sylphide, when she's not involved in photography (from both sides of the camera), music videos, rock concerts, art exhibitions and fashion shows.

This was very informative. And it really captures a lot of what I would think is that no matter what gender you acknowledge as, is to take a moment and look at where you are in self and people and loved ones around you. And than maybe your conscience will help what makes us all happy. ☮

[notmacbi]

Enjoyed the article... Will add some depth... I came out to my Wife of 30 years. Basically as having desire to suck cock. She handled it unbelievably well. Now we role play with her playing with my nipples and rubbing my balls while I masturbate. She is also telling me to go ahead and suck that cock and saying beautiful things. Problem is we have both presented hesitations of going further. Recently however, when I mentioned that I could only "do it" with her present. I guess as a "safety" measure for me. She indicated she would do it with me. Of course this has conjured thoughts of following through. The biggest hesitation is that I really love her deeply and would never want to risk being without her. Guess I'm curious about how many couples that have crossed the line, and lost their marital relationship. Meanwhile I'll dig the role play!

[SilkyHoseLover]

Guess I'm curious about how many couples that have crossed the line, and lost their marital relationship.

I see contradictions in this statement, but will answer from my perspective. It depends on how you meant 'crossed the line'...

I have crossed the line in the sense that I have the expressed permission of my wonderful wife to explore my bisexuality. I tell her when I am meeting someone and/or intending to play. It's also understood that her comfort with this is of utmost importance, and I will not seek any additional experiences in the event that she ever has second thoughts or regrets. It can work, but it takes an exceptional amount of trust and and long term commitment to the happiness of two loving married partners.

Of course, you may hear from others for whom it doesn't work out well, which is the second part of the issue...

Best of luck with whichever direction you decide to go. May you have many years of happiness together.

[WMassM4M]

I can't believe I wrote that. I am sorry if I offended anyone by the line "I am bi, not truly gay" like being bi is somehow better than being gay. To tell you the truth I would rather be totally straight or totally gay, than bi. It would really simplify things. Sorry for my choice of words all.

Although stillconfused had no intention of saying he was better because he's bi and not gay, that seems to be a very common thing. Many men are adamant that they're not gay - they just like cock. The common thing is "I'm not getting sex at home with my wife, so I'll go looking for a man" makes little sense. Why wouldn't you go looking for sex with men and women equally if you're bi? Straight men look for flings with women, gay men look for flings with men, but most bi men seem to be exclusively cheating with men - sometimes with couples, but it seems rare that they go looking for sex with women alone, and how many bi men who get divorced look for trysts with women? How long can pass without sex with the opposite sex before you can no longer wear the bi mantle? I was married twice in my 20s, have two kids and screwed many gorgeous women, but that was then. I've been with men exclusively since my 30s, so yes 100% gay. I have nothing in common with most in the gay lifestyle, I appear completely straight my friends are all the hyper-masculine type of man (I'd blow any one of them), but none of that makes me any less gay.

I wonder if coming out as bi is easier or harder than coming out as gay. Since people think in terms of the sex act, they will forever look at you and picture you with a dick in your mouth or wonder "does he take it in the ass?"

There is definitely a hierarchy, where by maintaining one foot (or toe) in the world of heterosexuality one can breathe a sigh of relief and say "at least I'm not one of them". I think the litmus test is - when you are alone with no one to explain anything to, watching porn, cruising Internet ads, jerking off, what are the fantasies you conjure up?

[Long Duck Dong]

I remember a rather full on debate in this site years ago about Men that have sex with men and how wrong they were for not identifying as bi so they were clearly in denial of their sexuality.....
My stance was it was more to do with they do not ID with the label that people were trying to assign to them.

Labels are difficult in that they are actually outdated and simplistic, they do not take into consideration, people that are intersex and born with both genitalia or people that do not ID as male or female.... an example is I have a friend that is a fully developed intersex person that is actually listed as Gender X on their drivers license because biologically they are not strictly XX or XY chromosome which is the definition of male or female...
Now I am in a open situation with them, a male and 2 females, correct term is pansexual but most people call it bisexual... and if I was only to have sex with my intersex female, it would still be regarded as heterosexual or homosexual, neither of which would correctly apply to that situation.....

When I came out in the 80s, it was easier, bisexual was so simple or so I thought, it actually created a headache that I was not ready for, as well as the intolerance and discrimination within the LGBT community such as Bisexuals were not actually part of the lesbian and gay community, we were coat tail riders, free loaders etc, confused about our sexuality, not making up our minds......
I have noticed a lot of people have the attitude of I am what I am, I ID as I ID, if you do not like it, we do not care, you either want sex or you don't.....

What I have also noticed is that its talked about about how the heterosexual community, the reality for me, is its more about confusion as people can tend to have a understanding that there is lesbian, gay or straight, clear cut definitions and bisexual is more a blurry grey area....and now I see the same thing for us with bisexuals that love the erotic and sexual side of things and bisexuals that simply want cocks in their mouth or a mouth on their cock, nothing else

For me, its the erotic, emotional, mental, passion that I love and crave more than the sexual act itself which for me is simply physical without the other stuff

I can not say yes or no as to a question of is coming out easier or harder, its individual for each person as experiences vary....... and personally just being able to live my life without the conflict, arguments, having to tick the boxes in order to have an opinion, would be a lot easier for me.....

[rouye]

Here is another tips for you coming out as bisexual (http://www.top10bisexualdatingsites.com/come-out-as-a-bisexual.html). I know it is difficult for people to come out of the closet, especially to parents and friends.

[RolaDwewase]

It seems to me that we automatically assume that Cirt is single-mindedly orienting all his edits to attacks on Scientology. But does he have some other preoccupations, like, you know, the sex thing? He seems to be really big on Dan Savage.

[Bimiself48]

Okay I'm expecting a lot of backlash for this, but what the he'll, here I go. Over the last decade it has become more and more acceptable to come out gay or lesbian, and that's a good thing. It's also become chic for a woman to come out as bi. Most men, straight or bi, are turned on by this. Me being one. However, while the public may be more accepting of a bisexual man, prospective mates are not. Everyone has the right to be with who they want. Truth is, or at least from my experiences, women shy away from relationships with bi men. And i can understand why. In a relationship you want security and with a bisexual that security can be put in question. At least this has been my experience. I know more than a few women that have admitted to having sex with the same sex and recieved positive attention for it from both sexes. I don't know any men that have admitted to the same in social settings. I'm one of them, but I doubt I'm the only one. And I'm sure those other silent men are silent for the same reason I am. Prove me wrong, please. Cause I'd love to live in a world where I can be me.