Help with bisexual boyfriend

[Bellonya]

Hello everybody, nice to meet you. This is my first post, although I've been in this forum for quite some time. The reason I'm writing is, basically, my boyfriend.
He is 22 year old and bisexual and I'm straight. I've known about his bisexuality before we even had a relashionship and I never had any kind of trouble with that. (In fact, I'm one of those girls who enjoys boy and boy action). We've been together for more than a year now and in that period of time he has hooked up with two boys and kissed many more.
Now here is the problem. Everytime he has sex with another male I get extremely upset, the idea of somebody else touching him, caressing his naked body drives me insane. He has tried to explain me that it's just sex, just some mechanical thing that he needs in order to be completely happy. It's like he has two libidos, one for girls, which -acording to him- I can fully satisfy, and one for boys, and even if he can go for a few weeks without contact with them, if he doesn't at least kiss one, he'll start feeling anxious, upset, and end up unhappy.
The thing is, he has always stated that he cannot fall in love with a boy (in fact, he has been in a relationship with one and it was purely sexual from his side), and that's why sex, with boys, means nothing more than something he needs in order to be happy. He describes it like eating, or going to the bathroom. But, my views on sex are a tad different. Although I can separate sex from love, I still think sex is something more than just something primal, and, of course, something your parter should be able to satisfy.
He has suffered a lot because of being bisexual, it wasn't until recently that he was able to fully accept himself, and he has lost time. Time he wants to get back to experience stuff, and I'm willing to give it to him but I first need to learn how to keep it from hurting me.
It's not like he can change the fact that he needs boys, it's a part of him. However, the outcomes up till now have been: He has sex with a boy, I get upset, therefore he gets upset, and we are both unhappy. Or, he restrain himself from being with boys, getting upset, therefore I get upset, and, again, we end up unhappy.
Has anybody been in the same situation as me? I would appreciate some advice as to how to deal with this situation and don't get hurt anymore.
Oh, and just to clarify things, I'm not leaving him. I really love him, most of the time we are completely happy.

PD: English is not my main language so I appologize in advance for any mistake.

[csrakate]

Have you ever considered joining him on one of his sex dates? Perhaps if you actually see what transpires (or even participate, depending on whether or not it is OK with his sexual partner) you will better realize that you truly CAN separate sex from love. Of course, never do anything that makes you uncomfortable and if that is not an option, keep talking to him about your issues and let him help you understand the difference. You obviously have no issue with him being bisexual and you seem rather open minded.....just perhaps a bit possessive when it comes to him and sex.

Good luck and keep talking!!!

[hasty1]

Congratulations Belloyna, I've also always known my partner is bi, but I don't think I could be as strong as you have been so far, it may happen in the future, right person, right time, but who knows. I think CSrakate said it all, you like boy on boy action, you accept him being bisexual, all you need to work out is the reality of living in this relationship for you both. If you both are open to you joining in, then you would all be getting something out of the situation. More talking is needed, and I sometimes think it never ends, but it sounds like you could both be on to something very good.

Good luck to you both.

[Bellonya]

@csrakate (http://www.bisexual.com/forum/member.php?8580-csrakate) Well, what I have done is going to a gay club with him and we both shared a boy, we kissed him and there was some touching. In the future I know I want to participate in a threesome, with my boyfriend and another guy, but for now I'm not quite ready. I have some self-esteem issues to work on before being able to feel confident with a stranger.
Yeah, that is a bit of a problem x) I'm learning though how to stop being so possesive.

@hasty1 (http://www.bisexual.com/forum/member.php?145735-hasty1) He has said several times that the ideal escenario is for us to have a threesome, that's what he truly wants, but he understands that I'm not quite there yet, although I really like the idea. Thank you :)

[jamieknyc]

To my reading, it sounds like she thinks male-on-male action is hot in the abstract, but that she can't deal with it emotionally when it actually happens. I don't know how many women at her age or any other age would feel about actually seeing their guy do it with another man. Or men actually having their wives get involved in something like that, either.

[Bellonya]

@jamieknyc You got it quite right. It's strange because I can be arouse by seeing my boyfriend with another guy. It's not always, but it happens, and it doesn't bother me, almost at all, that he kisses a boy, it's just the sex part, and no, I couldn't stand watching him having intercourse with another person, at least not for now. Maybe if I could participate I would be okay, but I'm not entirely sure

[hasty1]

Jamieknyc - I think it's less to do with male-on-male action and more to do with 'somebody else' getting some action with her man. These things are tough to deal with emotionally, but it doesn't mean they can't be dealt with in time and I think Bellonya has got every chance of making it happen. They're talking and open with each other and are being considerate of each others feelings.

Belloyna - threesomes is something my partner and I are looking forward to doing, but for a long time I had reservations, despite having had several threesomes before I met him. Somehow being deeply in love with one of the three was a game changer for me. He has offered to make the first time we do it about me, with the other guy being straight, and when it happens I may take him up on that but as I've become more comfortable with the idea it's gone from something that was pretty scary to think about, to something that is pretty hot to think about. You don't have to have all the answers now, although I do think that him going off alone isn't helping matters because it makes you upset and it's hard to think straight when you're upset. Perhaps you could agree that he won't go and do anything without you for a certain amount of time, see how it makes you feel, try and work through some of your self esteem issues (by the way, your boyfriend is really into you, why wouldn't another man?) I get the feeling that you will make it together. x

[jamieknyc]

Threesomes aren't for everyone, hasty. I have never done one myself, but I can understand why people like them and also why they don't.

[Bellonya]

@hasty1 He has suggested that, stop being with other boys for a period of time, but it hasn't worked out, he cannot go for a long time without contact. Maybe he doesn't need to have sex with them, but he does needs to at least kiss one.
I'm working with my issues, but we all know that it's a process. But I'll try and suggesting it again, see how things go this time

[hasty1]

jamieknyc - you're absolutely right, they're not for everyone, and every relationship is different, but Bellonya did say that it's something that she'd like to do in the future, but she's not ready yet. I was simply responding to what she said and offering my experience of a a similar emotional journey from a similar perspective for her to consider. I'm not saying she should take my journey, they have to find their own way, I just wanted to reassure her that things can change emotionally and that she doesn't have to know now what she will or won't do in the future.

Bellonya - If it hasn't worked before try finding a way to put it to him that gives him an incentive to make it work. I know you are supportive of him in theory, that's it's the reality that is difficult to deal with at the moment, but that can change. What won't happen is that that stomach churning upset feeling will suddenly change into acceptance and understanding. All I know is that I didn't start to move forward in being accepting of the reality of it (and we've still not done it yet) until I was in a calmer place and not feeling anxious and upset. When you're in that calmer place then you still may decide that it's not something that you want to do, but if you're staying in this relationship then you both have some work to do. It's not all about what he needs, yes he's bisexual, but he also your boyfriend and you are in a relationship with him which should come first.

[Gearbox]

I see sexy male mouths everywhere that I want to kiss, but can't. Damn right I get agitated if I don't get a set that I can! For some (inc me) the mouth is as visualy sexuly arousing as some others view a hard cock. I can go without sex longer than I can go without kissing, same as your bf. I'm with him on that!You mention kissing a lot, and seem to think that your bf's cravings are 'threatingly' intimate to you. Your very wrong IMO! Although you understand that sex isn't love, you seem to view sexual intimacy being closer to it? If he yearns to kiss a man so much, then maybe he wants to 'make love' with them too, aposed to just fucking? And what would that mean to you&he 'making love'?Truth is (IMO) it means nothing more than fucking. Nobody can judge 'love' by anything to do with sex at all. Not even between two lovers! If theres an iota of a notion that you NEED to have exclusive rights to ANYTHING sexual, to know that he loves you, ditch it! Not easy for some I know! But you'll only hurt yourself by clinging on to that woefully bad and completely false 'signifier of love' (IMO).

[Bellonya]

@hasty1 Thank you for your imput. I invited him to read this thread, so he knows as well what everybody is suggesting and therefore talk and reach an agreement. I'll definetely work with my problems so I can reach that calmer place in which I can deal better with this. Maybe a break of boys from his side will be helpfull as well.

@Gearbox I don't need to have any type of exclusive rights over him to know that he loves me. I know he does, it just hurts me when he goes around having sex with other boys. Sex is intimate, whether or not it involves feelings, and sex can lead to love, I've seen that happening several times.
Therefore, it scares me the fact that he will end up falling in love with a boy. He has never felt love towards them before, but that doesn't mean that it cannot happen.
It also hurts me because of my problems, but that's something I need to solve by myself, I just wanted to hear what views people had.

Also, I do have one question for every bisexual out there: Do you also need to satisfy two libidos?

[Realist]

Bellonya,

First of all, you certainly don't have to worry about your English. I don't know where you're from, but many American-born people don't write nearly as well as you do!

Secondly, I'm not sure if bisexuals have two libidos, but maybe one all-encompassing libido. I, for one, have feelings of attractions for males, that is different than my attraction for females. They each have a unique magnetism, generated by their own gender.

Unlike your BF, I have had romantic relationships with both males and females. I have also had platonic relationships with both. I'm sure it was possible that I could fall head over heels in love with either one, but one true love has been enough for me, at a time.

Each of us are different and, apparently, your BF is not one who would fall in love with another guy. If that's true, he'd more than likely be satisfied with a FWB (friend with benefits) and his love would probably always be yours, only.

Whatever happens, I wish you both good luck and happiness, once you get this sorted out.

[ct7cut4u]

I think your English is immaculate. You are obviously a very intelligent bi-lingual person. I think, however, that to have parody with your boyfriend, you need to become involved with him in his bi-sexual behavior. In other words, if he is obviously bi-sexual and if you are not presently being involved with his male sexual partner through his encouragement in some meaningful way, you will normally feel at odds with the dichotomy of his sexual behavior. You need to become a meaningful part of it. My advice to you would be to open your mind to the possibilities of having two males to play with at the same time - two for the price of one - for example, one in your pussy and one in your mouth while being open and attracted to being on the periphery if need be at any time and, perhaps stimulating the two of them if asked while they play together. There may even be a scenario where you just lay beside them and be available for their mutual gratification. If you are really serious about your guy, you need to let him know that you would like to be part of the experience whenever he is actively bi-sexual. If he does not accept this, he is becoming gay. If he welcomes your offer, you will be a very happy and fulfilled woman. Does this make any sense to you?

[jamieknyc]

I think your English is immaculate. You are obviously a very intelligent bi-lingual person. I think, however, that to have parody with your boyfriend, you need to become involved with him in his bi-sexual behavior. In other words, if he is obviously bi-sexual and if you are not presently being involved with his male sexual partner through his encouragement in some meaningful way, you will normally feel at odds with the dichotomy of his sexual behavior. You need to become a meaningful part of it. My advice to you would be to open your mind to the possibilities of having two males to play with at the same time - two for the price of one - for example, one in your pussy and one in your mouth while being open and attracted to being on the periphery if need be at any time and, perhaps stimulating the two of them if asked while they play together. There may even be a scenario where you just lay beside them and be available for their mutual gratification. If you are really serious about your guy, you need to let him know that you would like to be part of the experience whenever he is actively bi-sexual. If he does not accept this, he is becoming gay. If he welcomes your offer, you will be a very happy and fulfilled woman. Does this make any sense to you?
That is only something a person should do if they feel comfortable doing it, and a lot of people, especially women, won't. Also, don't make assumptions whether or not someone is becoming gay.

[Bellonya]

@Realist The problem about having a FWB is not that he will fall in love with this person, but the other way around. That's why we try to keep things "one-time-only". So that feelings won't appear from neither of both sides. Thank you very much :)

@ct7cut4u Of course it makes sense, and we have talked about it. I do want to participate in situations with him and another boy, but right now I don't feel I'm ready for it. I know I will be in the near future, just not for now. That's the reason he is going solo with boys, although the ideal essenario is me being involved as well.

[onesucker4u]

I love being in 3sums with a bi man and a woman, however I have specific turn offs. First tho, I would never be OK with my woman being alone with another man without me. It is a shared experience. I also never had a desire to kiss a man, but love his cock. When we have had threesums there were rules so neither of us would feel uncomfortable. Our relationship as a couple is always first, the extra man is for us both to enjoy. Now I dont really have any rules or turn-offs for them, as long as I am included. I love watching and helping a man and woman have sex, including the kissing and foreplay part. If you are bothered by him kissing, that would seem a good rule=no kissing. The first thing that opened up a whole world for me was for us both to suck his cock together- often kissing with his dick between our lips. Might wanna try it!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

You have to understand, Girlfriend.His need are inherate, ingrained into Who he is. Its not like its something he can switch off. And You need to understand that to him its just a physical release. Its just sex, Hon, and sex and pleasure is sex and pleasure as long as everyone is happy with it, and consenting. Have you ever thought of arranging a three some, or setting up a play date so you can watch or orchastrate? Its great fun, believe me..:} You might even be invited into the fun. You also have to have Trust. Thats a very important issue, and if you are right in the middle of the action so to speak, you can rest assured that the play will be clean, and safe. Think about it..:}
Good luck.
Cat

[ckman314]

Your description of your BF is a perfect decription of myself. My advice is, you knew this going in so you chose to accept it so you either have to keep accepting it or move on trust me the sex he seeks with men is just sex too him, it is mechanical too him and his love is for you

[tenni]

post 6
it's just the sex part, and no, I couldn't stand watching him having intercourse with another person, at least not for now.


post 12
it just hurts me when he goes around having sex with other boys. Sex is intimate, whether or not it involves feelings, and sex can lead to love, I've seen that happening several times.


I think that you are doing quite well in expanding your perspective. You are getting some good advice here but the above two quotes may be creating difficulty inside you.

This is about you and your perceptions about sex, intimacy and emotional love.

His perception about sex and emotional love when he is with another man is different than your perspective. For him, as others have stated it is a pure physical need to be with a man naked and rubbing his bits with a man not a woman. Two men together can be sexually very intimate. Two men together can be pure raw sexual release with no intimacy. Physical intimacy can be quite different than emotional intimacy. If he is having intimacy with another man and it isn’t sexual are you disturbed? (ie a best bud that he has shared personal private thoughts with maybe for years before he knew you etc.)

Love is another matter. Contrary to what others have said some bisexuals are capable of emotional attachment with another of their gender but that doesn’t mean that they can not also have emotional attachment with an opposite gender person at the same time. In your b/f case, he is telling you that he doesn’t have any emotional interest in men. You find this hard to accept that such a person can exist. Well, he does. He is your b/f and there are many bisexuals on this site who physical sex is not emotional intimacy(love).

You are not like that. This can be a very expanding experience for you to broaden your understanding about life. I can tell that you are good woman who is struggling to understand. Keep trying to relax on this issue of intimacies(plural) and love.

[hasty1]

I'm sorry but I really have to say something regarding some of the posts that have been left here for Bellonya. Being bisexual doesn't make a person special, it makes you bisexual in the same way I am heterosexual. It doesn't mean that your significant other has to accept how you choose to express it. Saying that a bisexual person can't change, so their partners must change to accommodate them, or they will lose the relationship, isn't terribly helpful to someone who has come here for help in how to support their bisexual partner. The truth is that we all have the potential to change, it's not about who you fancy, it's about what you actually do about it and how you treat your loved ones. Many people have compromised in their partnerships over sexual matters, why expect it of the partners and spouses of bisexuals but deny that they can themselves modify their behaviour? What my partner and I have done is for us both to compromise, and although there will be other partners for us both we've decided that any exploration we do in the future is something we do together. It's a compromise for both of us, the other people will be bisexual men and we're looking forward to this now. But for me personally it has been difficult to get to a calm and sensible place to think about, but my partner hasn't pushed me, answered my questions and waited for my acceptance, which he knew would come. He's a clever boy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is every chance that with time and compromise that most relationships including a bisexual partner can work for everyone, but agreeing to do something that you're not comfortable out of fear is as bad as deciding that you can't be in a relationship because your partner is bi and moving on without exploring the possibilities. This post wasn't about what they might do sexually in the future, it was about her feelings at the moment, which is upset

'I'm willing to give it to him but I first need to learn how to keep it from hurting me'

There are many solutions to the difficulties of having a bisexual partner (I understand there a difficulties for bisexuals themselves, but this post was from a partner and I'm responding to that) I can only help using my own experience, how about those bisexuals who live in a similar and successful relationship sharing how they achieved it for themselves?

Bellonya - I agree with tenni, you are a good woman who is struggling to understand, and I know it's a struggle, but it will be worth it. x

[Gearbox]

Hasty, bi's know how very difficult it is for many/most straight & gay people to understand what drives their sexuality. It's not easy for bi's themselves either. It isn't just about the act of sex itself (IMO). Not just about satisfying a lust. It's much to do with a persons 'self', who they are, and accepting/finding 'what makes them tick', their sexual/emotional ID etc. For hetero's that's dead simple. For many gays, it's a lot harder to reach self acceptance. For many bi's it can be very confusing as they try but fail to fit either monosexual mold. There isn't even a bisexual mold, so on the whole a bi is faced with exploring sexuality itself from scratch with hardly any help from any socialy accepted 'norms'. To make things worse, the socialy accepted 'norm' of monogamy hits many bi's far harder in the nuts than monosexuals too. Not due to them being horny sex obsessed, but due to not fitting an exclusive mold. Many bi's are happy to be monog, unless they feel a need to fullfill their sexual ID. A hetero or gay partner won't always appreciate that coz theirs are fullfilled by the bi. Also their phylosophies of love, sex, commitment and self sacrifice clash too. Are bi's 'special'? Well we def cause many to examine their definitions. That (IMO) is a good thing, despite the turmoil it often causes.

[darkeyes]

Being bisexual isn't special.. neither is being heterosexual, or being gay, trans or cis.. whatever our sexuality is, just is... but each and every one of us is special as a human being and we each have our own uniqueness which we should never ever decry or shy away from. That for many of us we have difficulties accepting who and what we are is a condemnation on the world because it has placed in our minds self doubt and for many shame.. it prevents us often from fully accepting what and who our partners are, and creates in the minds of many of us a feeing of possession over those we love. So the societal preference for monogamy, and preferably monogamy with one of the opposite gender creates in our minds both shame and doubt, and prevents us very often from experiencing the full gambit of human emotion, and the full experience of human sexuality. It also makes many of us press those we love into accepting the societal "norms" because we think that is how it should be.

Even in the queer world we often hold our partners and those we love to the historical expectations of of the heterosexual society in that we expect of the person we love to be ours alone, and often we are compromised into accepting those expectations because we love the one we love. I have often said it, but there can be no compromise between two who love and who are so different when one believes in monogamy and the other does not... someone has to surrender completely and accept the philosophy if not the morality of the other. That is principally society's doing, but it is deeply ingrained in so many of us and so we often feel shame for so many of the things we do, or are thinking we would like to do, and we make our partner feel shame for even thinking of doing, or for preventing us from doing.

It is not that bisexuals, Gear, are not shaped into a mould.. human beings are not shaped by mould either.. each of us is different, and each special... each shaped by the sum of our own experience and by the influence of our genes... and each of us does have to examine our own hearts and minds and decide just how we want to live our lives and be who and what we are, and what we expect of the one with whom we share our lives. We are not alone in this world, and we do all believe different things. Sometimes one may surrender to the other completely and utterly and things will work out... often however it will not.. but even when two people of like mind, compatible sexuality and gender get together differences emerge and time takes its toll... and compatibility becomes quite the opposite however much we talk, and we should... however hard we work at relationships, and we should do that too.. but nothing is guaranteed in life.

All we can do is muddle along, work at it, care as best we can and try and meet the needs of those we love as far as we are able... then we have a chance.. no matter how hard we try we will never meet all of the needs of those we love no matter how strenuous our effort and commitment, not just sexually but in many other ways.. but success is not inevitable even with the best will in the world, but neither is failure.. much depends on what we will accept as much as how much we love.

[tenni]

“Being bisexual doesn't make a person special, it makes you bisexual in the same way I am heterosexual.”


REALLY?

On this site hasty, you should look at it as yes being bisexual makes a person special.

We are not like heteros nor gays. YES, a lot of us are going to think and post thoughts that may seem uncomfortable to you. If you are here to learn about bisexuals, calm yourself down. Listen and learn.

Yes, the partner of a bisexual doesn’t have to accept our values and struggles. They may fuck off and leave their partner like apparently 2/3 do.

I know that the rest of the post was less demeaning to bisexuals but really, show more sensitivity if posting on a bisexual site.

A little Bi pride ;)

[Bellonya]

@onesucker4u I have shared a guy with my boyfriend once. Although at the moment it felt good, later I realized that I still wasn't fully prepared to be 100% active with him. And I don't think that that's the key for a successful relationship

@tenni I'm going to refer to your last post. In a relationship a commitment is made. So yeah, it's an acceptance from both sides. I don't think I should lower my head and say: "Do whatever you want" if it hurts me, not he is in any position of demanding that just because "he is bisexual". I can understand the struggles he goes through, believe me I do, and I also have experienced this "biphobia" that is going around, but neither him nor any bisexual can ignore their parterns needs or think they have some sort of... privilegde.

@Gearbox Monogamy doesn't only hit bisexuals, if that were the case then straight and gay people wouldn't cheat on their parters, and it does happens, a lot

@hasty1 I think what's happening here is that it's a subject that many people can relate to, and everyone likes to express their opinions.
I know it's woth it, that's why I came here, so I could try to understand and listen to other people experiences, or advice. The thing is that we are getting a little off subject.

[darkeyes]

“Being bisexual doesn't make a person special, it makes you bisexual in the same way I am heterosexual.”


REALLY?

On this site hasty, you should look at it as yes being bisexual makes a person special.

We are not like heteros nor gays. YES, a lot of us are going to think and post thoughts that may seem uncomfortable to you. If you are here to learn about bisexuals, calm yourself down. Listen and learn.

Yes, the partner of a bisexual doesn’t have to accept our values and struggles. They may fuck off and leave their partner like apparently 2/3 do.

I know that the rest of the post was less demeaning to bisexuals but really, show more sensitivity if posting on a bisexual site.

A little Bi pride ;)
You and I have never agreed on this, Tenni...the second line of your post is fairly pompous... u are like heterosexuals and gays.. much more than u are not... Hasty has been quite calm so that comment was unnecessary.. the partner of a bisexual doesn't have to accept the values of a bisexual... or your struggles.. and many don't.. even many bisexual partners of bisexuals. But it is better if they do at least try...

There is far too great a sweep of bisexuality and of humanity for that ever to be, and bisexuals like gay or str8 peeps have their own desires and wishes, their own morality and beliefs, and their own expectation of partner just as any who is not bisexual. Of course bisexuals are different too, just as gays are from heterosexuals but that's because human beings are different from each other irrespective of whether they are the same or of a different sexuality, of the same or of a different gender .. we are all special, but not because of our sexuality.

Human beings are special and we each have our own unique being, but it is not the individual parts that make us special but the complete mix. We are different in our sexuality.. not special, just as we are different in a million and one and more other ways. Sexually bisexuals share with heterosexuals and homosexuals desires and needs either to be with one, or to have fun and play around... but bisexuals no more or less need to be with both genders than heterosexuals or gays do to be with 2 or more of their heart's desire or if u prefer, lust's.. sex is different with every partner no matter their gender.. there are and will be similarities but there are also differences. That there is the obvious difference in bits and being between the two genders makes it different but so does the often but not always more subtle difference between the bits and being of 2 of the same gender. Sexuality is a human thing whatever it is and within each of us is the same and different whatever that sexuality happens to be. And it isn't just 2/3 of the partners of bisexuals who fuck off.. but 2/3 and more of the partners of gay, lesbian and straight people... and even more fuck around either with or without permission... it is a human thing.. not a bisexual thing however much u would make it out to be.

We can all be pretty insensitive on occasion.. but if we want people who are not of our sexuality to understand and learn about us whatever our sexuality is, we should attempt to be as sensitive and compassionate as we can, but sometimes we all fail in that.. your post shows a bit of a lack of it .. I didn't find her post demeaning to bisexuals at all.. I haven't found any of them to be.,, simply the posts of one struggling to learn and understand and if I may say so, telling her that bisexuals need special consideration because they are bisexual is not a very clever way to educate anyone.

I know, tenni, I know. I am not bisexual, but I was and lived the life.. so I am not altogether without understanding. None of us is special or deserving of special consideration because of our sexuality.. only because of our humanity and because we are... if bisexuals want to be treated fairly and with consideration by those of us of other sexualities, they are going to have to stop thinking their sexuality a cut above the rest of us and deserving of special treatment.

[hasty1]

Bellonya - I just want you to find the help you need now so you can stay in love with your boyfriend and you can fully enjoy your relationship in the future. I know how I have gone through similar feelings to you, and have found some answers, but I'm not that far ahead of you. I know that it's good to be on a site like this, I just didn't want you to feel wrong and that if you couldn't accept what he does then you should leave, I know there are alternatives. I hope you find help here.

tenni - the posts weren't uncomfortable to me, I've found my place in my relationship with my bisexual man. I was responding to a woman who is hurting in the same way I have hurt myself and hoping to help her through. I was trying to say that I don't think that offering up ultimatums (and I'm not talking about you here) that she should do what he wants (or leave) will be very helpful to their relationship. I'm really shocked you thought my post was demeaning to bisexuals, my beloved is bisexual and is the best thing that ever happened to me. It was an appeal to get some people to see our side of things. I have no intention of fucking off, but my man is willing to work with me and understands it's not an easy thing to deal with at times.

[Plumhead2]

First off, let me say that I am not a counselor nor do I shill for one. That said, even though you and your bf do talk together about this issue, I believe that you would get much further in resolving this issue by going together to a counselor who has expertise in LGBT relationships. It is not a cure-all, but many people have found a way to understand and to accept the other partner when helped in this regard by a good professional counselor. Sometimes you need a trained third person who can help to sort out underlying issues. Otherwise you run the risk of talking, but just going around in circles. I wish you well in your search for a resolution.

[Gearbox]

I didn't say, or mean to imply that bi's have more difficulty with monogamy. Just that they do have more obvious reasons to avoid monogamy. Some see that as a poor reason, but it's a reason. That's not shared by gays & straights, so that does give bi's a little more meat when 'presenting their case' for open/opening relationships.I've been monog, never cheated, just like many other bi's, so I'm not saying that bi's can not be faithfull monogamists! But (IMO) it's not healthy for SOME bi's to be monog when they have 'issues' to be explored.I'm also not saying that monog isn't unhealthy for some gays and straights either.lol I FULLY agree that talking in person with a qualified LGBT councilor would be a lot better. I'm confusing myself here.lol

[tenni]

"It was an appeal to get some people to see our side of things."

Hasty
I think that you and the OP are fairly supportive and positive people with your partners. In fact you are a breathe of wise fresh air compared to some heteros who have posted on this site.

Do not assume that the bisexual on this site do not see your side. Your side is not as dogmatic as some others who have come on to this site. You are not the deviant. We, bisexuals, are. We deviate from the monosexual heterosexual norm. Our needs are different. Our needs are so different that we are not uniform in our needs...lol Yikes ...no wonder we are so hard to comprehend.

Those that believe that the bisexual partner can ignore their bisexual needs and just be a happy monogamous hetero who have come on this site are a few. It is true in some situations a bisexual may live with a cross gender or same gender person and be happy. So, very many of us do know the real truth. That there is no guarantee and even we know that we can not promise monogamy forever and be happy. Some can..most can not.

We know your side. We lived it first in our own bodies and minds. Remember many bisexuals thought that we were heterosexual. We had to process the pain and discomfort of discovering that we were not completely on your side nor the other team of mono sexuals gays).

My point much to darkeyes' displeasure is that it is bi pride not to see ourselves as special.

We are not monosexuals.

Darkeyes wants us all to recognize our human similarity..lol Ya...sure..but....let's not diminsh that pride is needed by bisexuals to gain self respect. It is ok to want to have sex with both men and women. In that sense we are not the same as gays and heterosexuals. Sometimes a little pomposity is needed...perhaps not a lot..but when put down with words on a bisexual site for wanting to have sex with both genders..yep gotta stand up.

Cheers,

[hasty1]

Bellonya - I apologise for unwittingly hijacking your thread. I hope that you get some answers that will help you through this journey and that you find a way to stop hurting over this, I do think the advice of seeing a counsellor is good it that's something you might consider. Good luck.

[darkeyes]

Darkeyes wants us all to recognize our human similarity..lol Ya...sure..but....let's not diminsh that pride is needed by bisexuals to gain self respect. It is ok to want to have sex with both men and women. In that sense we are not the same as gays and heterosexuals. Sometimes a little pomposity is needed...perhaps not a lot..but when put down with words on a bisexual site for wanting to have sex with both genders..yep gotta stand up.




U haven't displeased me, tenni.. I just see things differently. There isn't a thing wrong with sticking up for yourself and putting forward an agenda for bisexuals... yes u should stand up for yourselves... bisexuality is a part of u as lesbianism is of me. I wouldn't call it something to be proud of, but far more importantly, neither should it be something to feel fear or shame for.. just a part of u that u should be able to express openly. We are all special, Tenni.. and conversely none of us is... but it isn't who we fancy and the kind of sex we prefer that makes us so...:)

[Bellonya]

@hasty1 Don't appologize, even if we got off track, I think I got what I needed. The idea of the counsellor it's not bad, though a bit difficult right now, but I'll keep it in mind.

@Gearbox I do agree with that. It's harder for those who need to satisfy "two libidos" in order to be completely happy, and it's difficult at the time of having a relationship with someone who is more inclined towards monogamy. And you are right, in this case, it's not healthy for my boyfriend to repress that side of him, that's why I didn't come to this place looking for a solution to his bisexuality (That would be... insane, imposible and of course stupid from my part), because I don't want to change him. I just want to learn to be fully okay. Does that make any sense?

For the rest, the discusion is interesting, and I still suport the idea that bieng bisexual doesn't automatically make you special in any way. Being bi has it's pros and cons just like being gay, straight, pan or whatever. You shouldn't be ashamed of it either, and, while it's hard for some to mantain a relationship due to this "need" to be with both girls and boys, as your partner tries and understands you (at least I think I do), you should try and understand them.
In my case, it's hard to let him explore his bisexuality fully, but I do it. In return, he gets that I sometimes can't handle it and I get to say "no" if I ever feel like it's too much.
It's a start, it's not perfect, actually, perfection would be for me to be completely okay with it, but it's something.
I appreciate every comment, suggestion and/or experience you given me, I'm sure I'll be able to work it out with him
But please, feel free to continue, I like reading what everybody thinks and getting more insight into the bisexual mind

[Gearbox]

@Bellonya- Yes you make perfect sense. I wish I (or anyone) could simply tell you not to fear or have any negative feelings or worries about the man you love or the relationship you have, and that would ease you. Obviously we can't just pick what feelings we want, and disgard the others. We all have to work through them. That can be a terrible time, and bi partners need to be sensitive to that. In HIS mind, having sex with men outside the relationship is all so very simple and is no reason to cause you concern. That is what I assume you'd like to share with him - that certainty? Time, experience and continuouse honest communication (with each other and selves) is the best you BOTH can do. Examine all feelings, find their roots and express them to him.

[tenni]

post 33
" I still suport the idea that bieng bisexual doesn't automatically make you special in any way."

Do you acknowledge that heterosexuality is automatically considered special in societies?
Heterosexuality has had a "special" place in western societies for centuries. Today, homosexuality is gaining and joining that special privilege in some societies like Canada and other countries where same sex marriage is legal. Both of these sexualities have their monosexual perspective connecting them...all be it a very thin connection.

darkeyes
The "we are all special" argument diminishes the unique features or issues of bisexuality. The OP would not be on this site if she was not trying to grasp the issue. The word monogamy would not have such an honoured place in society if monosexuality was not treasured and seen as a default value.

[Bellonya]

@Tenni I don't consider heterosexuality special, and same sex marriage is also directed towards bisexuals, it doesn't just include gay people. If these sexualities have a monogamy perspective, that's because society gave it to them, but as I see it, straight, bi, gay people can be in polys, open or monogamous relationships, your sexual orientation doesn't come with a "set of rules" like: you are bi? then you must be in a poly, or something like that.
So, maybe to society straight people are "special" but not to me.
I don't consider a sexual orientation as nothing more as what it is, a preference over genders. You are special becuase of what you are, what you do, what you think, how you live your life, not because of just a preference.

[hasty1]

Bellonya - well said, I think your boyfriend is a very lucky man. I didn't respond to tenni, because his post wasn't about your original question, but you've said everything I wanted to say.

With regard to your original question, how are things going? I know not much time has passed but I also know for me once I started participating on this site, and another one, my comfort levels and understanding moved forward quite quickly. I'm still not completely there yet, and wonder if I will ever be, but I'm in a much better place now than I was before and I wish that for you and your boyfriend.

[Bellonya]

@hasty1 Well, we've talked a lot since I started the thread, he also read some of my posts, so that's also good, since I'm terrible when I'm talking, I cannot express myself as I can writing x)
But, things are better. He will hook up with a guy in the following weeks, and the thought isn't torturing my head, or killing me. I'm learning how not to sex as such a big deal (is difficult for me, maybe because he's the only guy whom I ever have sex with) and he's making sure that I'm okay. He always reminds me that if it's too much I can always say "no" so that's calming
I think that with a little bit more time, things will be just fine for us

[hasty1]

Bellonya - I'm glad to hear it, I'm sure things will be fine for you too, you're both looking out for each other which is what makes relationships work.

[sparrow24]

Hi Bellonya,

I actually read this posting a couple weeks ago and then recently, my BF (alex6102) asked for advice about our relationship on this site and you and your boyfriend responded. I wanted to thank you both for the helpful advice and input. (For those of you who would like to know my situation, read Alex6102 post about monogamy and bisexuality).

I am still very much struggling with the fact that my boyfriend wants to be with men, but also wants to be with me in our relationship. How did/have you and your boyfriend worked through this?

[Bellonya]

@sparrow24, I tried sending you a private message but you have that option dissabled :S
Do you want me to post the reply here or do you want me to send it privately?

[sparrow24]

Bellonya, I changed my settings, so you can message me now :)