bi girl in serious straight relationship, need advice

[gypsy2522]

I'm bi, but perfer men. I really enjoy being in monogamous relationships with men. The first time my attraction to women became a problem i was nineteen and i was engaged and it was my first love and ohhhh how i loved him. But i was struggling with a craving to be with a girl. Anyone who's bi knows the difference of being with a guy and being with a girl and it's not just psyhically it's emotionally too. The fiancee couldn't handle it and it tore us apart. And it really deeply upset me, as i felt so torn from it all. I had a few flings with women after, but..i was never comfortable in relationships with them. I don't understand why! I just perferred it being friends with benefits. The next long term relationship i was in with a guy, i did cheat on him with a girlie mate. It was just the once. But i felt afterwards that that was that. The craving went away and everything went back to normal. I knew it was wrong...but i felt that i needed to. To get it out of my system.

Now i'm in another long term relationship with a guy, who i truely love and he's the guy i want to be with for always. I want to get married to this guy. The feelings we have for each other are very much mutual, very much commited to each other. But i still...crave. And it's starting to get me down. I love being with him, i love our relationship, no faults at all. But it's hard expressing all of myself to him, when i have to put aside part of myself, that's a big part of who i am. We talk openly about what type of girl i like, what female celebrities i fancy, etc. But i just, feel like i can't talk to him seriously about it. That he would just see me as 'cheating', but there's no emotions in it like i have with him. If that makes sense.

What can i do, i really don't want to lose him, but i don't want this to tear us apart like it did with my engagement to my first love. :(

[welickit]

You seem to be prone to falling in love or at least using the term "love" fairly frequently. Actually loving someone means being open and honest with them. Almost honest and open doesn't work because you are living a lie. You already know the answer to your question. If he accepts it then it will work, if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Either way Good Luck and keep us all posted on what you decide to do.

[gypsy2522]

No, only been in love twice. I used the term 'love' for the two people i loved. I've been very honest and open in both relationships, but i've grown up to believe if you love someone you don't fool around with someone else. Of course life is always do black and white. And the wrong things can sometimes turn out to be the right things and vice versa.

With the first guy (the ex fiancee) i kept all these feelings inside and when i was open and honest with him, it torn us apart.

Now 5 years later after things with that guy ended, i'm stuck in the same situation with the person i'm with now. And i don't want it to go down the same route. You see?

I don't want any of this hassle tbh :( i wish it was simpler. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, they both live happily ever after, the end.

[by~his~side]

You are stuck in the same situation because you have repeated the same mistake.
You love being with him. You love the relationship...no faults at all.
No faults except for the fact that you can't truly tell him about the genuine you. The real you. The you that you want to be.
Are you thinking it's best to continue to hide this from him until you're married and the "honeymoon" phase is over and you start looking for more than what the relationship can give you? That's not the best for all involved. Holding off the important discussion might buy you time but eventually you will become too overwhelmed and resentful.

If you aren't comfortable telling him about the desire you have for women or if you do and he responds in a negative way then this relationship wasn't everything that you thought it was.
In the future be upfront about issues that could be dealbreakers. It'll save both sides time and heartache.
Good Luck to you...

~D~

[Realist]

I agree with by~his~side, Gypsy.

I did exactly the same thing as you're attempting to do and the more I resisted being attracted to another guy, they more difficult it got. No matter how much you love your man, some girl may come along when you least expect it and you may succumb to her. Then, you'll have regrets, feel guilty, hate yourself and be looking over your shoulder all the time, expecting to get caught.

Been there, done that, myself. You must do what you feel best, but in my experience, cheating rarely turns out with all parties delighted with the outcome. It's best to be up front and honest, rather being caught with your pants down, and lose out.

Anyway, maybe he will be more understanding and open-minded than the first guy.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck!

[ErosUrge]

Even though I'm male, I have had similar situations happen through a portion of my life until I decided to finally be open and honest about that part of me. And like you, I'm not interested in anything serious with males as you are with females, but enjoy and have a need for the physical experience with them. I have had 3 women that did accept it and for other reasons we parted. But I kept it secret from many other women and I could never escape the guilt and hurt that came with it. I hated myself eventually or that part of myself I should say.

It's not easy at all. But I finally reached the point to be open and honest about it all. Though I'm still single, it has clarified everything whenever I am with someone now. My last serious girlfriend I told from the beginning. She didn't like it and told me she had never had that kind of situation before but that she would try to accomodate and accept. But she never could find a way to. At least I was not guilt-ridden and when it came to an end after a year, there were no harsh feelings about everything since I was upfront from the beginning. Eventually there is the hope that there will be someone I can share more with who understands my needs this way. I hope this for you too and perhaps your current man will. Best to you.

[hgf33]

You can't be in a relationship where you fall in love and then decide later that you're going to tell him. Relationships require trust and communication, and these things usually go hand in hand. You have to lay your cards out on the table right away. If guys avoid dating you simply because you're bi, then to hell with them, they aren't right for you. Lots of guys are ok with it. My boyfriend knows all about me being bi, and will allow me to explore my female "cravings", as you call them, but with open communication and understanding. He has to know about everything, and/or be involved somehow. Granted, this doesn't always work. We did this once and it was too complicated to continue with (mostly, the girl was a huge pain in the ass!) but it can work in whatever way you and your boyfriend decide. If it's not at all, then so be it. Put your cravings to rest. I fully understand how you feel, but you have to look at the bigger picture and decide what is really worth the most to you. We bisexuals may WANT both, but when you're with the right person, you don't NEED both.

[gypsy2522]

Ok, a couple negative replies, but generally good ones. Thanks :)

I sat him down this evening and had a proper talk and i felt better for it. He responded better than i thought. And i was able to open up easier to him about it. And we're going to look into some avenues for me. Something that we're both comfortable with as we really do want this to work. So hopefully it will.

[hgf33]

Sounds great!!! Best of luck to you! :)

[Stargazer1417]

I'm bi, but perfer men. I really enjoy being in monogamous relationships with men. The first time my attraction to women became a problem i was nineteen and i was engaged and it was my first love and ohhhh how i loved him. But i was struggling with a craving to be with a girl. Anyone who's bi knows the difference of being with a guy and being with a girl and it's not just psyhically it's emotionally too. The fiancee couldn't handle it and it tore us apart. And it really deeply upset me, as i felt so torn from it all. I had a few flings with women after, but..i was never comfortable in relationships with them. I don't understand why! I just perferred it being friends with benefits. The next long term relationship i was in with a guy, i did cheat on him with a girlie mate. It was just the once. But i felt afterwards that that was that. The craving went away and everything went back to normal. I knew it was wrong...but i felt that i needed to. To get it out of my system.

Now i'm in another long term relationship with a guy, who i truely love and he's the guy i want to be with for always. I want to get married to this guy. The feelings we have for each other are very much mutual, very much commited to each other. But i still...crave. And it's starting to get me down. I love being with him, i love our relationship, no faults at all. But it's hard expressing all of myself to him, when i have to put aside part of myself, that's a big part of who i am. We talk openly about what type of girl i like, what female celebrities i fancy, etc. But i just, feel like i can't talk to him seriously about it. That he would just see me as 'cheating', but there's no emotions in it like i have with him. If that makes sense.

What can i do, i really don't want to lose him, but i don't want this to tear us apart like it did with my engagement to my first love. :(

oh, hon this is the big question for me too. I'm literally in exactly the same situation. Let me know if you come up with a good solution to this one.